


Demons

by Stanbillyhargrove



Series: Demons [1]
Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - High School, Billy Hargrove & Maxine "Max" Mayfield Have a Good Relationship, Billy Hargrove Is Bad at Feelings, Billy Hargrove Needs a Hug, Eating Disorders, F/M, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Inspired by Stranger Things (TV 2016), Non-Consensual Drug Use, Original Character(s), Physical Abuse, Self-Harm, Soft Billy Hargrove, Steve Harrington Needs a Hug, Steve Harrington is a Sweetheart, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-08
Updated: 2020-02-08
Packaged: 2021-02-19 00:03:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 26
Words: 51,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22168669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stanbillyhargrove/pseuds/Stanbillyhargrove
Summary: Cat moved to Hawkins with her mom after her parents divorced. They anticipated a new start but Cat's demons followed her and only get worse.
Relationships: Billy Hargrove/Original Female Character(s), Steve Harrington/Original Female Character(s)
Series: Demons [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1595719
Comments: 2
Kudos: 11





	1. Chapter 1

I moved to the small town of Hawkins right as summer started. My parents had gotten divorced and I had left with my mom to live closer to her family. I didn’t have a ton of friends or a boyfriend to stick around for plus it would be a new start as my mom put it. So I had packed up and moved, hoping that she was right but knowing that I would be battling the same demons.  
__

I had been in Hawkins for two weeks before I met Billy Hargrove. I had been invited to a party by Nancy Wheeler and her boyfriend Steve, who had quickly become a part of my life since they saw the moving truck in the driveway and introduced themselves. When the three of us pulled up to the house party I stuffed my hands into the pockets of my black jeans and tried to keep up with Nancy’s socializing. After a while I ducked away from her and Steve in search of drinks and found Billy leaning against the open door frame leading from the kitchen to the deck and yard.

As soon as he saw me he smirked around the cigarette hanging from his lips, “well I don't think I’ve ever seen you around here before.” He hummed, eyes scanning from my conversed feet all the way up my legs to my chest-wrapped in an over sized canvas jacket- and finally settling on my face, “I think I’d remember a smoke show such as yourself.”

Blushing, I tucked a strand of hair behind my pierced ears and looked quickly down at the toes of your shoes before meeting his gaze, “I just moved here a couple weeks ago, the name's Cat. You are..?”

Billy licked his lips as he stomped out his cigarette and I couldn’t help but do the same scan over his body. Black combat boots led to skin tight blue jeans which led up to an unbuttoned shirt, sleeves rolled up to show off the muscles he was so proud of, and long curly hair framing piercing blue eyes.

“Billy Hargrove.” He had stepped forwards, looking down at me, “wanna get to know each other somewhere else?”

“Sure, I haven’t met many people here yet. I was just coming to grab a drink,” I smirked up at him expecting him to be disappointed by my not being an easy target. But if Billy seemed genuinely surprised that I was actually wanting to talk, he hid it well behind his smile, taking me under his arm and leading me outside.

“Sure, Babe, let’s find you a drink and we can chat.”

~~

Billy and I had stayed up for hours, discussing how both of us had ended up here in Hawkins. He told me about his dad being a piece of shit and that his mom had left them in California. He told me about his dad meeting Susan and deciding they were all moving to Hawkins but at least he had been able to drive his Camaro here, Billy claimed that she was his baby. I had laughed at him, men and their cars. Then I told him about my parents and the years of them not caring about anyone but themselves that led to their divorce and how my mom had moved the two of us here to be near my grand parents. I told him that my mom worked at the hospital and only worked at night meaning we never saw each other. Then he had driven me home, claiming to have sobered up, I didn’t totally believe him but I also didn’t feel like trying to find Steve and Nancy.

It was now three days later and I had seen Billy every day, he would show up at my house music blaring out the windows of his Camaro and offer to take me sight seeing around town. He showed me all the different places in town he deemed important: the mall, the diner, the high school we both would be attending, the pool where Billy worked. Today was different though, after I settled into the front seat of Billy’s car he took off out of town.

“Are you kidnapping me Billy?” I chuckled.

Billy flicked his cigarette out his window and turned to me, grinning, “You’re not scared are you, Baby?”

I smiled and reached over to grab his hand and gave it a squeeze, “only slightly.”

He chuckled and turned up the music, continuing his drive into the forest. When he pulled into a clearing and parked the car I realized I was actually scared.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get steamy in the forest

Not of Billy himself, but scared of the reputation he had with girls. Nancy had told me all about Billy’s reputation after she found out he drove me home from the party. I was scared that Billy had brought me out here to have sex with so he could move onto the next girl he found interesting. I was scared of how he’d react when he saw that my body was covered in scars. Scars I had put on myself whenever I needed to escape the crap in my head that nagged at me about my weight or about nobody caring for me. I was scared that he would freak out and the whole school would know again and nobody would leave me alone about it. My palms grew sweaty as Billy parked the Camaro and swung himself out of the car. Silently, I followed suit, exiting the car to join him in leaning against the hood, excuses forming in my mind.

“Billy I-”

“I’ve never brought anyone out here before.” He looked at me, eyes soft. “I usually come out here to get away from all the bullshit.”

My shoulders dropped, releasing the tension that had been building up and stepped into his side, leaning into his shoulder. Billy sighed and pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket, setting one on his lip and flicking out a lighter. He lit the cigarette and took a long drag off it, letting the smoke slowly curl out from his lips before offering it to me.

I took the cigarette in between my fingers and took a deep breath, letting the smoke out as I spoke, “Billy, you know you can always come to my place. My mom works nights so if you need someone to talk to…” I started to get nervous and played with the sleeve of my jacket.

He chuckled next to me, taking his cigarette back, “careful, Babe, I’ll take you up on that. You’re very easy to talk to..” he added quietly.

We sat there for a while, looking into the trees and chain smoking while talking. This time we talked about what we wanted out of our futures, Billy couldn’t wait to leave Neil’s grasp but he wasn’t sure where he wanted to go. He thought he’d be great working with cars, he’s done all the work on his Camaro - partially because he didn’t trust anybody else to touch his baby and he also just liked the work. I told him I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with my life, no job had ever really called to me but I did want to travel everywhere I could. 

He took one more drag before stomping out the cigarette and curling me in front of him, sighing and kissing my forehead. My eyes closed and I pressed my face into him. One of Billy’s hands grabbed the side of my face as his lips worked their way down to mine. He stopped, lips parted, just a breath away from my lips and looked at me through thick eyelashes.

“Billy..” I breathed.   
And then he crushed his lips to mine. I hummed against his mouth, hands running up his naked chest and around his neck. My fingers twirled into the curls on the back of his head and I lost myself in the kiss. Billy held my face between his hands, and licked at my bottom lip. Our tongues crashed together once I opened my mouth for him, tasting each other. Slowly, he moved his hands down and started kissing down my face and onto my neck, sucking just under my jaw. I gasped and moaned into him, sliding one of my hands down the front of his chest.

“Fuck, Baby, I need to have you,” Billy groaned, slipping his hands into my jacket to try to pull it off.

And then I was back in my head, panicking. My heart was pounding and my hands started shaking as I pushed my hand into Billy’s chest, breaking away from him. I stepped back from him panting, mind racing, I couldn’t stop thinking about the marks on my skin ranging from new red to old white and all the chunky parts of myself that I detested. But I also couldn’t stop the heat in my body that reacted to how badly I wanted him.

Billy looked at me, eyebrows scrunched together, “Cat? What’s wrong..?”

Thinking quickly I readjusted my jacket up my shoulders and held up a hand, “nothing Billy, just uh.. girl things.” He nodded. “I’ll make you feel good, just uh.. I can't right now.” 

I smiled and shrugged at him taking his hand in mine and giving it a squeeze before dropping to my knees in front of him. He watched me through heavy eyelashes as I slid my hands up his legs to undo his belt buckle and unzip his jeans. I stared up at him innocently and slid Billy’s pants down past his hip bones exposing his growing cock as I licked my lip. Slowly I flicked my tongue along the underside of his head, hearing a small groan in response. I lightly teased his cock with my tongue and lips, kissing and licking along his length before sucking his tip into my mouth, humming.

Billy sighed and placed one hand on the back of my head, “fuck, Cat,” he hissed as I lightly slid my teeth off his head. 

I smirked up at him before sinking my mouth onto him, one hand on his leg for support, the other gripping at the base of his penis. Slowly I slid up and down his cock, listening to Billy’s groans above me. He started to swear as I picked up my pace and started using his hand to thrust my face into him forcefully, choking me as he thrust into my throat. Tears formed in the corners of my eyes as I tried to breathe and not gag. I pushed myself off him for long enough to take a couple deep gasping breaths before letting him continue his brutal pace. Billy’s thrusts got more erratic before he groaned and held my face to the base of his dick and came down my throat, lightly thrusting. I pulled off of him, gasping and wiping the tears from my eyes and smiled at him. Billy pulled his pants back up, zipping and buckling them before grabbing my hand and the side of my face and helping me up. 

He pulled me into his chest and tucked his face into my hair, holding me there, “holy shit,” he mumbled. “You’re amazing,” he praised as he stroked my hair. I smiled and breathed in his scent, both of us relaxing into each other’s arms.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Billy's POV - meeting Cat, after the forest

Billy’s POV

From the first time I saw Cat, I wanted her. I had never seen her before and with her black hair, pierced ears, lip and nose and small frame covered with a black canvas jacket she stood out like a sore thumb in Hawkins. I wanted her naked underneath me, screaming my name, her beautiful freckled face contorted with pleasure like every other girl before her. At first, when she wanted to talk at the party I obliged thinking it would gain her trust but the more time we spent talking I actually found myself wanting to know more than the curves of her hips. I was actually enjoying getting to know somebody and letting someone get to know me. I still had that naked picture in my mind that left me hard and aching for her but I was able to push that aside for the friendship I was gaining. We drove around a lot together, talking about our lives before Hawkins and what we wanted after. After a few days together I took her out to my favorite spot out of town, a secluded clearing in the forest where I would often go to chain smoke and try to escape the shit storm at home. I didn’t usually take chicks out here for hook ups, this was my place, but I wanted to share it with her and so I brought her out here. Then she was so nice and I brought her in for a hug but as soon as I touched her that image was in my head and I was too close to her to fight it off. I kissed her and she liked it, I thought anyway but when I went to slide Cat’s jacket off she froze and then pushed away from me. Did she not like it? Does she not want me like I want her? Did I just end the one good thing I had going for me by following my cock instead of my head? I looked at her confused until she gave me an answer.

“Just uh.. girl things..”

I breathed out in relief thinking we’d just go back to talking but Cat was sinking to her knees in front of me. Then she gave me the best blowjob of my life, all teasing - she’s definitely done that before, another worry off my mind that I wasn’t getting into something with someone who had no experience. She nipped and sucked until I could barely handle it and then sank her face down, engulfing as much of my cock as she could. I lost control at that point and grabbed her head and fucked her throat until I came. When she pulled off of me she wiped a tear from her face and smiled at me before I helped her up, holding her to my chest as I regained my breath.

After that I drove Cat home, my hand on her thigh the whole way. I thought things were great with us until she quickly got out of the car, said a chaste goodbye and hurried into her house. Then I was left questioning again, did I hurt her? Did I take things too far? Maybe she doesn’t want me and just blew me cause that’s what she thought I wanted? Tensing my jaw, I turned the car around and went home. I would see her again and ask her, she probably needed a minute to figure things out.

So I went home and stalked into my room, flopping on the bed. I lit a cigarette and turned on my radio, trying to drown out the questions in my mind. After a while of that not working I got up and started working out, throwing weights around turning my inner feelings into physical exertion. Towards the end of my workout I heard the front door slam closed, signaling Neil and Susan’s arrival. Growling, I angrily pushed through my workout, dropping my weights down when my door flew open. I drew myself up, squaring my shoulders and clenching my jaw as I stared at Neil who was glowering at me from the doorway.

“Where the fuck is Max?!” He growled.

“I don’t know, I left in the morning before you guys and she was here then. Why don’t you know where she is?”

“What the fuck did you say?” He jumped at me then, grabbing my shirt and slamming me into the wall behind me. My head bounced off the wall, instantly giving me a headache. “You need to learn some respect, boy.” White spots danced in my vision as Neil’s fist collided with my cheek, I blinked my eyes hard to regain focus. Neil glared up at me, red faced and panting, his breath reeked of alcohol - like always, “you will go out and find your sister and bring her home do you understand?”

“Yes sir,” I grumbled.

“What?” He barked, slamming his fist into my jaw.

“Yes. Sir.” I stared down at the ground, my entire body tensed, waiting for Neil to let go when Susan appeared against the door frame.

“Max is home, she’s skateboarding in the driveway,” she spoke timidly.

Neil let go of me then, glared at me for a second longer and then turned to her, “great, what’s for dinner Susan?” He questioned as they both left my room.

I stood still for a moment, wincing when I stretched my jaw, before grabbing my keys and cigarettes and leaving the house.

Max stood in the driveway, staring at me as I stalked towards my car. Her small voice was barely louder than a whisper, “are you okay?”

I turned to stare at her and saw her wince, “yes, shitbird. Where were you?” I sighed.

“I went to the arcade with my friends, I told mom I was going before they went out today. I’m sure I did.”

“Susan’s making dinner, you should go inside soon.” 

I couldn’t be too angry with Max, it wasn’t her fault that Neil is a piece of shit. So I gave her a weak smile, then got in my car and sped off. I didn’t have anywhere to go so I just drove aimlessly for a while. Without thinking about it I pulled up to Cat’s house about twenty minutes later. I sat in the car for a few minutes before I made up my mind. I couldn’t wait any longer to know if she wanted me or not and I really didn’t want to go back home. Slowly, I turned my car off and walked up to the front step of Cat’s place. The lights were off but I could hear music so I lightly knocked on the door and waited. When I didn’t hear any movement after that I decided to go around the back of the house to check for lights. There was one window with light streaming out of it, Cat’s obviously, so I walked up to peer inside. She was sitting on her bed, wearing black sweatpants and a light grey sweater, curled around a book and a mug. I lightly rapped my knuckle against the window, jumping when I suddenly heard barking and growling from inside the room. Cat looked toward the window, wide eyed and cocked her head to the side when she saw me looking at her. Stiffly, I smiled and waved at her before she got off the bed, snapped at her dog to quiet it and slid the window open to let me in.

“Hey..”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cat learning about Billy's home life

When we pulled up to my house I quickly said good bye to Billy and tried not to run too obviously into the house. The wetness between my legs was only getting worse the more I thought about being with Billy in the forest. Once inside I ran to my room to masturbate to the memory of his lust filled groans and the forceful way he had fucked my throat. But once the high of that wore off I was once again left with the demons of my mind. Telling me to be ashamed of the way I look, that Billy would find me disgusting and that’s why I couldn’t let him see me naked. That I’m not special, Billy just wanted sex and when he grew tired of blowjobs he would leave, one way or another. I had to quiet the negativity in my mind, the only way I know how.

~~

“Hey..”

I tilted Billy’s chin up to get a better look at his face and the evidence of a fight. Delicately, I thumbed away the streak of blood by his mouth, saying nothing as I examined it. After a brief pause Billy swallowed hard as I looked him dead in the eyes, his heart was beating nervously against the hand I had resting on his chest.

“Who did this to you?” I asked quietly, my whole body tense with barely restrained anger.

Billy smiled tightly and looked down at the ground, “I got in a fight.”

“Yeah no shit, with who?”

“Just some guy from school,” he mumbled.

“Don’t bullshit me, Billy,” I snapped, hand shaking as I reached up to touch the bruise spreading across his cheekbone.

“Sorry,” he sighed, taking a moment to collect himself. Breathing in deeply he looked at me, tears welling up, “I told you Neil was a piece of shit..”

My whole body was shaking now, rage quaking through me as my hand cradled Billy’s bruised face. Billy laid his hand on mine, pressing my hand to his face and closed his eyes, breathing in sharply at the pressure.

“Oh Billy, baby, come here,” I whispered, pulling him onto my bed and cradling his head to my sweater-clad chest. I wrapped my arms around him and rubbed his back as he silently let tears fall, clutching at me. I bit my lip to keep my own tears from falling as we held each other until finally Billy took a shaky breath, sniffed and sat up.

“Sorry,” he mumbled, “I didn’t mean to come unload all this on you. I wasn’t sure if you would even want to see me but I just ended up here.”

I looked at him stunned, “why wouldn’t I want to see you?”

“I dunno, just the way you ran off earlier.. I thought maybe you felt pressured..”

“Oh.” I paused, pulling on the sleeves of my sweater, “Billy that’s not why I ran inside. I just- I needed to get my thoughts together and that wasn’t going to happen with you around.”

Billy’s eyebrows furrowed, “do you want to be with me?”

“Yes,” I sighed, “I just can’t, not in the way you’re used to…”

“Why? You saving sex for when you get married?” He scoffed.

“Sure, something like that..” I hugged my arms into my chest.

Billy was quiet for a minute, processing what that would mean for us - if there should even be an us - before reaching over and placing a warm hand on my knee. “But blowjobs are okay?” He smirked.

I looked up at him, chuckling, “yeah, that’s okay.”

“Fuck it,” he quipped, “that was the best blowjob I’ve ever gotten from the most amazing girl I’ve ever met. If you want to be with me I’d love for you to be my girl, let’s see where this goes.”

“You’re so romantic,” I teased as I crawled into his arms.

Laughing, he pulled us down to the bed and held me to his chest, breathing in my hair. We laid there, relaxing into each other until I fell asleep to the sound of his heartbeat and with our limbs tangled together.

~~

I awoke early in the morning to Billy carefully trying to untangle himself from my limbs, the movement and him unknowingly grabbing fresh scabs on my hip being enough to rouse me with a groan.

“Sorry, Babe, I was trying to be careful,” he whispered into the top of my head. Rocky, my German Shepherd Rottweiler mix who had climbed onto the bed while we were sleeping and made Billy his pillow, huffed at Billy’s movements, jumping off the bed and stretching before laying down on the floor.

“Where you going?” I mumbled, nuzzling back into his chest.

“If I’m not home when everyone wakes up it’ll make things worse.”

My eyes were open now as I shifted to look up at his face, taking in the purple splotches on his chin and cheek. Carefully, I reached up to cup his face, “I wish you didn’t have to. Does it hurt?”

Closing his eyes, Billy leaned into my hand, hissing under his breath but not moving away, “only when I touch it,” he chuckled.

I bit my lip, “will you come pick me up later?”

“Right after breakfast, Babe,” he promised.

That’s how we spent the rest of the summer when he wasn’t working. Billy sneaking off to my house at night and sleeping with me and my dog Rocky using him as a pillow, aggressive blow jobs after make out sessions, holding Billy after fights with his dad, biting my lip to stop my silent tears from turning into heart breaking sobs and lots of talking. Everything was going great until school was about to start and the last party of the summer was announced.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things take a turn for the worst when Cat goes to a party and ends up alone

I pinched my stomach as I stared at myself in the mirror. I was pretty much ready for the last party of the summer, wearing black skinny jeans and a dark red flowy t-shirt. I was waiting for Steve to pick me up and got caught up frowning at my body in the reflection. Too much, always too much. Sighing, I shrugged on my black canvas jacket and went out to wait for Steve in the living room.

The last few weeks with Billy had mostly been great, other than the sporadic bruises on his body and constant fighting at home, but he seemed so content at night with me and Rocky asleep on him. Sometimes, he would fall asleep first and I’d catch the ghost of a smile still stuck on his face. When he went back home though, I hated myself for letting him go back to Neil. Hated that there was nothing I could do but be strong for him when night fell again. I’d bite my lip so hard to keep myself from sobbing along with Billy, that’s not what he needed, he needed someone to be his rock. What he didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him, I’d tell myself as I dug into the skin of my hips, as long as I can be strong for him later.

I was starting to believe I loved Billy but would he love me? We hadn’t talked about whether or not we would stay together once school started. I know Billy has a high sex drive and although I was blowing him almost every time we were together I could tell it didn’t totally fulfill his desires. Maybe he would rather have a girl who wasn’t afraid to have sex with him. Could he be with someone like me? If he knew, would he want to be or would that be too many problems in his life?

A loud honk tore through my thoughts, signaling Steve’s arrival.

~~

Billy was missing out on quite a party. He had to close up at the pool and was supposed to meet me here afterwards. A bunch of people from out of town had shown up, turning an already big gathering into a humongous gathering. People were packed into every inch of whoever’s house this was. I had quickly lost Steve in the crowds and after a couple of drinks I joined a group of people dancing in the living room. We moved our bodies as if we were a singular writhing unit, arms pumping and hips swinging in chaotic unison. I was drunk from the drinks and the music, feeling lighter than I ever had before, which is why when a cute stranger passed a red cup my way I smiled and took it, gulping down the beer without a thought. I knew if Billy came in and saw me dancing with a stranger he would go ballistic but I wasn’t about to sit around and wait for him to show up. The music was too good and it pounded through my bones in a way that drew me in and wouldn’t let me go. I turned my back to the stranger and felt him grab my hips, swinging us to the beat.

After a few songs I felt the alcohol hit me, the room suddenly spinning around me. I peeled myself away from the stranger and stumbled through the group of dancers towards the kitchen, I just needed some water and a breath I thought. Maybe then I would be okay until Billy got here, then he could take me home.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” The stranger asked, having followed me to where I was leaning against the counter.

“Mmmm too much alcohol,” I mumbled, blinking hard and trying to gather myself. I usually got drunk pretty fast, not having any food in my stomach helped me to be a cheap drunk, but this seemed different. Too much too fast. Slowly, I lowered myself to the floor, clutching my head in my hands and tried to will my heartbeat to slow.

“Don’t move, I’ll see if there’s somewhere you can lay down.” He patted my knee and walked off into the crowd.

~~

People stared at me, jokingly asking if I had too much to drink. I gave them half smiles as I fought to keep my eyes open.

“Come on, sweetheart, let’s find you somewhere comfy.” The stranger was back, lifting me over his shoulder. I slumped against his back as we passed through the crowd and went upstairs. Why do my arms feel so heavy? He carried me into one of the empty bedrooms and I was dropped onto the bed.

~~

I couldn’t move. My brain felt fuzzy, my limbs didn’t feel connected to my body, nothing was working. There was someone on top of me, squeezing me through my clothes. 

“Billy…” I mumbled before a hand clamped over my mouth.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve's POV - finding Cat

Steve's POV

I had quickly lost Cat at the party, there were so many people crammed into the house that it quickly had become impossible to find her. I knew she would probably stay somewhere that she could hear the commotion when Billy eventually arrived so I let loose, having a great time drinking with guys from the school. Nancy had decided to stay home tonight, preparing for school to start so I didn’t have anybody to watch over.

I was a few drinks in when I heard some of what a couple of guys from out of town were saying.

“She’s passed out upstairs.”

“Yeah dude, out cold.”

“I left her there.”

“Damn bitch is crazy, did you see her?”

I had heard enough to spike my concern, leaving my buddies to go look around upstairs. Some poor girl had drank too much and needed someone to take care of her. I walked into room after room, excusing myself from the rooms that had people in them, before I found a girl lying prone on a bed. I closed the door behind me and noticed her clothes, black pants unbuttoned, red shirt up above her breasts.

“You okay?” I whispered, inching closer. “Cat is that you?”

I gasped as I stepped up to the bed, noticing the bright red scabs and pearly white scars that littered her hips, stomach and chest. I could see how small and frail she looked, ribs and hips poking out of her pale skin. So that’s why she always has a ton of clothes on, I thought as I shakily stepped up to her. I tried shaking her, but she didn’t wake up.

Where the fuck was Billy? He’s the big fighter around here and those guys needed to be on the receiving end of his anger. Breathing deeply, I tried to control my rage as I pulled her clothes back to where they were supposed to be. Carefully, I tried to scoop her up into my arms. It took a few tries to get myself balanced enough to lift her dead weight, her head lolling against my shoulder and walk out to my car. I laid her down in the backseat with my jacket under her head before getting in the drivers seat and slowly driving her back to my place, cursing those assholes the entire time.

Luckily, my parents were never home so there was nobody to explain why I was carrying a passed out girl to my room to. I laid her down in my bed, pulling off her jacket and pants, seeing the marks going down her arms and legs too, and tucked her into the covers. I wondered if Billy knew how bad of shape she was in as I changed into sweatpants and made myself a bed of pillows and blankets on the floor.

Quickly I ran downstairs to grab some water for Cat and stopped when I looked at the house phone. I looked up Billy’s number in the phone book and dialed, exhaling hard.

“Hello?” A woman answered.

“Hello, this is Steve Harrington. I’m a friend of Billy’s from school, is he home?” We weren’t really friends but I didn’t care.

“Sorry hun, he left a while ago. Should I tell him you called in the morning?”

I sighed, “no, that’s okay. Thank you.”

She said a quick good bye and hung up the phone.

“Fuck Billy, you have the worst timing,” I cursed as I went back upstairs with a couple glasses of water.

I looked at Cat when I got back to my room and clenched my jaw, she almost looked dead. After really seeing her I couldn’t stop looking at her pale skin and sunken cheeks. I used to think she was just naturally thin with sharp cheekbones but I never thought that her whole body would be sunken. I stared closely at her to see her chest slowly moving and sighed in relief before lying in my makeshift bed and closing my eyes. How do I tell her what happened? Did something even happen or did they stop after seeing how sick she is? Before falling asleep I cursed myself too, I should have stayed closer to her.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cat wakes up at Steve's house

Slowly, I opened my eyes and groaned. My head was still spinning and it took me a minute to realize I had no idea where I was. As I sat up to look around the room I was in I realized my whole body was in pain and I was without my jacket. Looking around the room, I saw my jacket sitting on top of the dresser and shakily got to my feet to grab it but tripped over a body on the floor. After falling, I looked back and saw Steve sprawled out on the floor, groaning in pain from my sudden drop onto his chest.

“Steve?” I scrambled off him, hugging my knees to my chest. “What happened? Why am I here?” I groggily remembered being at the party and then being on a bed with someone grabbing me but I couldn’t recall anything after that.

“Cat, you passed out at the party and I brought you here to sleep it off.” He explained as he sat up. “Do you remember?”

I furrowed my brows, thinking, “no. Just pieces of the party.”

He watched me cautiously, “What exactly do you remember?”

“I remember dancing, someone brought me a drink, then I’m not sure. I was really dizzy and then someone was carrying me and then.. somebody was grabbing me..” tears welled in my eyes, “I don’t remember anything else until just waking up. I don’t know what happened, I just all of a sudden was too drunk.” Scared sobs racked my body.

Steve leaned over and put a hand on my shoulder before telling me how he found me, clothes disheveled and dead to the world. I curled into my body, holding myself as tightly as possible and let him wrap his arms around me. Steve held me, rubbing my back and rocking me in his arms for what seemed like an eternity before I had cried my fear away. I’m okay, nothing happened, Steve saved me.

“Do you want to shower? Then I’ll take you home?” Steve whispered into the top of my head.

I sniffed and nodded before Steve scooped me into his arms and carried me down the hall to the bathroom, setting me gently down on the side of the tub, the cold porcelain shocking my butt as I was put down.

“Where are my pants?” I asked shakily.

Panic raced in my mind, Steve knows.

“I’ll be right back,” he patted my shoulder and left me to get the shower running. Once the water was flowing and steam was beginning to fill the bathroom I quickly pulled off my clothes and stepped into the hot water, crying as the water burned my skin. I stood there for a few minutes before Steve knocked on the bathroom door and let himself in.

“Cat? I brought you some towels and clothes if you don’t want to wear yours.”

“Thanks Steve,” I mumbled, starting to soap myself up.

There was a moment of silence before Steve started stammering, “so.. uh.. Cat, do you.. are you..” He sighed, “you know I saw you half naked right? Are you okay, like in general?”

“Steve,” I breathed. “I’m fine,” I was scrubbing at my skin furiously with a cloth.

“Bullshit. People who are fine don’t look like that!”

“Steve!” I yelled, “I said I’m fine! You didn’t have to take my fucking clothes off! It’s none of your business!”

There was a harsh moment of silence.

“You look like you haven’t eaten in a year,” he pointed out bluntly.

I scoffed, still rubbing my skin which was quickly turning bright red from the heat and my harsh scrubbing.

“Cat..”

“Steve. Drop it.” I turned off the water and stood dripping in the shower, “towel please.”

Steve sighed and passed me a towel through the curtain. I wrapped myself up before pulling open the curtain, staring at Steve with puffy eyes. He wiped at his face and pushed his hand through his hair before extending a hand to help me step out of the tub. I carefully stepped out before being pulled into Steve’s chest.

He wrapped his arms around me, crushing me into him, “I’m here for you. You know that, right?”

I nodded into his chest, “thanks Steve.”

~~

Driving back to my house had been a quick and quiet trip, I didn’t live very far from Steve. Steve pulled up to my house and parked before turning to me, “Cat, does Billy know?”

I looked down, picking at the sleeves of my jacket, “no. He doesn’t know anything.”

“But hasn’t he seen? How does he not know?” Steve questioned, cocking an eyebrow at me.

“We’ve never….y'know..I told him I couldn’t,” I stammered.

“Wow..” Steve nodded, “Billy Hargrove has a girlfriend who isn’t having sex with him?” He started to chuckle.

I cracked a smile at him, “I mean, we don’t do nothing. Usually he’s the one without clothes on.”

“Yeah well when is he actually wearing clothes?” Steve joked.

I chuckled at him, “almost never.”

There was a moment of silence before Steve spoke, “listen, Cat, I know you said you’re okay but if you need anything just let me know. You can always call me. And I think you need to tell Billy. About everything.”

I groaned, “I know I should. I just don’t know where we are, I need to figure everything out, find the right time you know? Plus, nothing happened last night, I’m fine. Just promise you won’t say anything?”

He sighed, “I promise.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Billy comes to see Cat

I was just getting out of my second burning hot shower when Billy knocked on the front door. Silently, I locked myself in my bedroom to get dressed, Billy knew he could just come in and make himself at home. I tugged on a pair of black sweat pants and one of Billy’s large shirts I had managed to steal from him, inhaling the smell of cologne and cigarettes with a weak smile, and shrugged on my jacket before looking in my mirror. My skin was red and blotchy from scrubbing myself in the hot water and sobbing and my eyes were puffy, I could probably pass it off as being hungover.

I’m fine, I repeated to myself as I left my room to go see Billy.

“Baby, I am so sorry, closing took forever. I didn’t mean to take so long-” he apologized, stopping once he saw me. “Cat, are you okay?”

“Just hungover Billy, I’m fine.”

He walked over and pulled me into his chest, hugging me fiercely, “I have just the cure.”

~~

Billy’s cure was a huge plate of fries and a chocolate milkshake from the diner. Staring at the food twisted my stomach into an anxious knot but I slowly picked at it to make Billy happy though he was quickly devouring everything I hadn’t picked at.

“So what happened to you last night? You were gone by the time I got there,” He looked at me quizzically.

“I just had too much too fast I think, Steve took me back to his house to sleep it off,” I explained.

Billy bristled at the mention of Steve, “that should have been me... At least you’re okay, that party was insane. Tommy told me some guys from out of town were bragging about screwing some passed out chick.”

I choked, “do you know who it was?” I was surprised he couldn’t hear my heart trying to pound it’s way out of my chest.

“No, but apparently they drugged her. Isn’t that disgusting?” He had finished the plate of fries and was almost done the milkshake.

“Yeah, disgusting..” I mumbled. Was there someone else? It had to be someone else, I couldn’t remember what happened and Steve didn’t know either. But I sure felt disgusting.

~~

We were in the backseat of the Camaro, Billy’s hand on the back of my head, holding my face to his. His grip tightened in my hair when I opened my mouth to let his tongue in.

I’m fine, nothing happened.

Slowly, I unzipped Billy’s pants, looking up at him as I did so. He groaned when I pulled his pants and boxers down, letting his cock spring free. I started licking the tip of Billy’s dick, barely touching him with my tongue before I pulled it away. That always drives him crazy, he'll whimper and try to press my mouth down to envelope him but I always hold back, smirking.

“Impatient boy,” I snickered before sucking on his head.

I’m okay, it wasn’t me. It was someone else.

Billy’s hips thrust up to meet my mouth, his hands pushing down on the back of my head. Tears welled up in my eyes as I choked on his cock, Billy gasping in pleasure above me. He wound his fingers in my hair and held me down as he came in my throat, groaning loudly.

I pulled off him, sucking on his tip a little and making him shudder.

“Baby,” he murmured, pulling his pants back up, “you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

My heart fluttered as I pulled myself up into Billy’s lap, leaning against his broad shoulder.

We sat there for a moment, curled up in the back seat, before I sighed, “Billy, we should talk.”

He stiffened against my back, “okay, Cat. What’s up?”

I drew in a deep breath, “what are we doing?”

“Snuggling in my car,” He joked.

I snorted, “I mean together. Are we actually together or is this a summer fling?”

His shoulders dropped with a relieved exhale, “Babe.” He cupped the side of my face with his hand and pressed a quick kiss to my forehead. “I already asked if you wanted to be my girl, now you’re stuck with me. Unless that’s not what you want?”

“No! I do want that, I just didn’t know if you’d want to move on once school started. You know, find someone you can actually have sex with?”

He hummed, nodding, “if you’re not ready, I’m okay with that. I know how to handle myself.”

“Sounds an awful lot like you’ve caught feelings for me Hargrove,” I teased.

He smiled and squeezed me to his chest for a moment, “alright now, let’s get going. I have to work today.”

~~

“Cat?” My mom called from the kitchen, “I’m making breakfast, want some?”

“No thanks, mom. I just went out with Billy to the diner.” I smiled at her as I walked into the room.

“You sure are spending a lot of time with this Billy. When are you going to bring him here to meet me?” She asked, chomping on some toast.

“I’m not sure, mom, eventually,” I said, turning to go to my room.

“Wait, Cat. Are you two being safe? Does he have your back?” She questioned, looking worried.

I turned back to look at her with a cocked eyebrow, “nothing has happened with us so yes and yes. Why?”

“There was a girl brought in last night from a party. Her friends brought her in, she was drugged. I just want to make sure someone is watching out for you when I’m not around,” She smiled and patted my arm.

I felt my throat constrict, it wasn’t me, “holy crap, that’s scary. Don’t worry mom, between Billy and Steve I’m looked after.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First day of school

Monday - first day of school

I was almost ready for school when there was a loud knock on the front door. My mom was in the kitchen and quickly opened the door before I could even get out of my room.

Billy leaned against the door frame, his red button down unbuttoned almost entirely, “morning ma'am. I’m Billy, here to pick up Cat for school.” He flashed a bright smile at her.

“Oh! Good morning, Billy, please, call me Julie. It's nice to finally meet you. She’s almost ready, want some toast?” She motioned for him to follow her inside.

“Sure, that would be nice. Thanks Julie,” he was still grinning as he closed the door and followed her to the kitchen.

I left my doorway to go back to my room and finish fluffing my hair, applying a generous amount of hairspray and calling it good. When I went out to the kitchen my mom and Billy were leaning against the counters, laughing and munching on peanut butter covered toast.

“Mmm morning Baby,” Billy hummed.

I couldn’t help the smile that covered my face, seeing Billy look so care free made my heart contract happily, “you ready to go?”

He stuffed the last of his toast in his mouth, nodding and mumbling a “uh huh” around the wad of food. My mom quickly handed me a slice before saying her good byes and turning back to clean up the kitchen.

When we got to Billy’s car I took a tiny bite of the toast before handing it to him, “here, want some more?”

He looked at me with scrunched eyebrows, “you’re not hungry?”

“I’m not really a breakfast person, plus you were stuffing your face like you haven’t eaten for days.” Ha, irony.

Billy laughed before grabbing the bread and taking a huge bite as he drove.

~~

The rest of the morning went by in a blur until lunch when I went to the gym to watch Billy and Steve at basketball tryouts.

While Billy was changing Steve came and sat next to me and began questioning me. “Did you eat today? Did you talk to Billy this weekend? You okay? You’d tell me if you weren’t, right?”

I sighed and looked up at his worried eyes, “I had some toast. No, I didn’t talk to Billy. Yes, I’m okay and I probably wouldn’t tell you,” I joked, poking my tongue out at him. He scowled at me before I continued, “yes mom, I will talk to you. Anyway, my mom told me some girl was brought into the hospital Friday. She had been drugged and raped, so I’m okay. It wasn’t me, no worries.”

Steve sighed, “good. Well not good that it happened to anyone but at least you’re okay.” He gave me a quick side hug as Billy and some other boys came out of the changing rooms and dashed off to join them on the court.

~~

Billy stood leaning against his Camaro, waiting for me after school with smoke billowing from his lips in a thick grey cloud. When he saw me coming through the crowd of students he turned around to open the car door for me, allowing me just enough time to sit down before slamming it closed.

I waited for him to drop into the drivers seat beside me before turning to him with a cocked eyebrow, “what the hell? You almost took one of my limbs off slamming the door like that!”

“All your limbs were in the car,” he quipped, starting the car and pulling out of the parking lot.

I glared out the window for a moment, did Billy find out about the party? But nothing happened, why would he be mad at me? Maybe now that school has started and he has seen all the other girls ready to throw themselves at his feet he’s decided I’m not worth it? My nails dug into my hand as I clenched my fists.

“I saw you talking to Harrington,” he growled.

“Yeah, and? Steve and I are friends, you know that.”

“He was touching you though,” Billy’s hands tightened on the steering wheel, his knuckles turning white, “and then he looked at me like he was upset. What the fuck is that? Does he know something I don’t? You two sleeping together and he feels bad about you stringing me along?” Billy’s jaw was tensing as he continued to drive, not looking at me.

I stared at him slack-jawed, “are you serious? He gave me a hug after he asked how I was after the party. You know, the party he took me home from since you weren’t there?”

“I was there, I told you I’d be late! You didn’t need to get shit faced right away!”

“Stop the car.”

“What?” He was looking at me now, finally.

“I said stop the fucking car, Billy!” I screamed.

His jaw clenched again as he slowly pulled over. I quickly threw off my seat belt and opened the car door.

“What are you doing?”

“I’ll run home, I don’t need to be accused of shit just because you have issues. There was a girl drugged and raped at that party, remember that? Do you realize that could have been me? Steve found me passed out and brought me home safe, you should be thanking him.” I looked at his hurt filled eyes and knew I had struck through his ego, but I still wanted to be alone. I got out of the car, gently closing the door behind me, “when you’re ready to apologize, you know where I’ll be.”

I ran almost every day for exercise, so running home was easy. The burning in my lungs and legs distracting me until I reached my front door, panting and sweaty. I was almost surprised to see that Billy wasn’t sitting parked in the driveway, I might have gotten through to him but his ego wasn’t going to let him apologize right away.

~~

When Billy didn’t show up after my mom left I figured he thought I needed more time to cool off. I sighed and called Steve to vent.

“Harringtons.”

“Steve? It’s Cat.”

“Hey! What’s wrong? Are you okay?” He questioned, sounding worried.

“I’m okay Steve, I just wanted somebody to talk to.”

“Yeah, sure. What’s up?”

“Billy’s mad at me, I think.”

He sucked air through his teeth, “Why?”

“He got all jealous and mad about us talking at lunch. Yelled at me on the drive home. What the hell, right? I can’t have friends now?”

Steve laughed loudly in my ear, “Hargrove and I don’t have the best history. He beat the crap out of me once, it’s just because it’s me you’re talking to. Did you give him an earful?”

“No, I got out of the car and ran home instead. Told him it’s not my fault you were there for me at the party and he wasn’t, that things could have ended up a lot worse.”

There was silence for a second, “you ran home?”

“It wasn’t really that far, exercise is good for you,” I answered quietly.

“You probably shouldn’t-”

“Steve,” I warned, “that’s not the point.”

He sighed, “you’re right. I’m sorry. So you ran home and now he’s ignoring you?”

“I guess so, usually he comes over after my mom leaves for work. Never showed up today.”

“It’ll be okay, I’m sure he’ll be there to pick you up in the morning. Probably trying to figure out what an apology is,” he chuckled.

I snorted, “I hope so. Night, Steve.”

“Good night, Cat.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cat and Billy fight

Tuesday - second day of school

“Cat! Honey, Billy is out in the driveway waiting for you! You’re gunna be late!” My mom called from the kitchen.

I quickly threw on my jacket, looked at my hair once more in the mirror and ran out towards her voice. When I got there, she had a container on the counter with some slices of toast stacked neatly inside it, I could see the peanut butter and jam seeping out the sides of the slices.

“Here, sweetie, I made extra for Billy,” she smiled sweetly and handed me the container.

“Thanks, mom, sorry for rushing out, bye!” I grabbed the container and ran out of the house calling to her as I went.

I quickly got into the front seat of Billy’s car and handed the container to him, “here. Mom made you breakfast. Morning Max,” I said quietly, turning to look out the side window.

Billy sighed and opened the container, stuffing a slice into his mouth before peeling out of the driveway. The drive to the school was quiet, filled only with the sound of Billy's music. When we pulled up to the school I had my seat belt off and was opening the car door before Billy even parked the car.

I pulled my seat forward for Max after climbing out of the car, “bye Max, see you later.”

She smiled and waved at me before dropping her skateboard and riding off towards her school. I stuck my hands in my pockets and began walking into the school when Billy called after me.

“Hey! We gunna talk or what?”

“We’re going to be late for school, you knew where I was all night,” I said bluntly, leaving Billy standing by his car.

~~

Steve found me at lunch, sitting huddled on a picnic table outside.

“Hey, did you eat?” He asked, leaning against the table beside me.

“My mom makes toast every morning, sent me out with a container full.”

“That doesn’t really answer my question, Cat.”

I sighed, “I gave it to Billy.”

Steve’s eyebrows shot up, “he apologized?”

“He showed up to drive me this morning, we didn’t talk though.”

Steve hummed and nodded before pulling an apple out of his pocket and handing it to me, “eat.”

Grumbling, I took the apple from his hand and took a small bite out of it before handing it back, earning myself a glare.

“Not feeling too great,” I lied.

He huffed before taking a large bite, “so what’s your plan with Billy?”

I shrugged, “I’m not sure, I don’t know if I want to go through another silent car ride. I don't want to make it awkward for Max either.”

“Well I can drive you home if you need, just find me after school if that’s what you decide,” Steve pulled me into his side and patted my shoulder.

~~

After school I walked into the parking lot to see Billy leaning against his car waiting for me. Squaring my shoulders, I walked straight towards him.

“Baby, I’m sorry I didn’t come over last night. Neil was on a rampage, you know how it is,” he murmured sheepishly.

“Never stopped you before. Actually that’s why you started spending the night. Or were you afraid you’d come over and see me fucking Steve when I told you I can’t be with you?” I spat.

His jaw clenched, “I said I’m sorry.”

“No, you didn’t. You said sorry for not coming over, you haven’t apologized for being an asshole,” I crossed my arms over my chest and glared at him.

He looked down and flicked his cigarette, “well I am.”

I scoffed and started to walk away from him, “not good enough, Billy.”

Once I got out of the parking lot I heard his Camaro roar to life and started running. I really didn’t want to deal with him right now, I just wanted to get away from everything.

Billy rolled up beside me, slow enough to keep up with me and called out the open window, “Babe, get in the car!”

I slowed down to a quick walk, breathing heavily, “no.”

“God, you’re so fucking stubborn!” He yelled, stomping on the brakes and parking his car to get out and step in front of me.

“Me? I’m stubborn?” I screamed in his face, “you decided I’m cheating on you because I’m friends with Steve! Just because you two don’t like each other doesn’t mean I have to stop being his friend! And you’re the one who has been avoiding apologizing because your ego is too big!” I blinked hard as my head swam suddenly, and tried to shake the feeling off.

Billy turned and stalked back to his car, fuming. After he sat in his car and started to pull away, my head started to swim and my vision went blurry. I held my head in my hands as my body grew heavier, my heart racing in panic.

“Billy…” I whispered before everything went black and I fell to the ground.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Billy's POV after the fight

Billy’s POV

I stood in front of the Camaro waiting for Cat, shakily holding a cigarette to my mouth thinking about what she had told me. The panic of thinking about my girl in trouble had me not thinking clearly and I couldn’t shake how pissed I was that I hadn’t saved her, that I wasn't there for her.

Why isn’t me being here enough? I groaned and kicked my front tire after she walked away from me in the parking lot. I threw myself in the drivers seat, starting the car and peeling out of the lot after her.

~~

“Me? I’m stubborn?” She screamed in my face, “you decided I’m cheating on you because I’m friends with Steve! Just because you two don’t like each other doesn’t mean I have to stop being his friend! And you’re the one who has been avoiding apologizing because your ego is too big!”

I clenched my jaw and turned and walked away from her before I said anything else stupid, getting into my car and pulling away from her, slamming my fist against the steering wheel. My stupid mouth just makes things worse. I wasn’t sure how to fix this, nothing comes out right.

Looking in my rear view mirror from a block or two away, I expected to see her staring after me. Except, I couldn’t see her standing at the side of the road anymore. I slammed on the brakes, glad that Max had gone to hang out with her friends and had avoided being thrown into the front seat. Where the hell did Cat go? I turned the car around and drove back to where I left her, scanning the sidewalk until I saw her crumpled on the ground.

“Fuck!” I yelled, quickly parking the car and running out to her, cursing the entire time.

“Shit! Cat! Cat?” I called, kneeling and picking her head off the sidewalk. Panic set into me as I watched her body twitch on the cement, I picked up her tiny frame-was she always this small?-and ran to my car. I had her thrown over my shoulder and was opening the passenger door when she groaned quietly.

“Babe? Baby, it’s okay, I’m here.” I soothed as I gently set her down into the car, holding the side of her face in my hand.

Slowly, her eyes fluttered open. For a second she flinched away from me with panic in her eyes, “w-what? Billy? Where am I?”

My insides twisted at her flinch, “hey there, Baby. I think you passed out, I turned around and you were out cold. Scared the shit outta me,” I sighed, relief washing over me that she was okay.

“Sorry,” she mumbled.

“No, Baby,” I sighed, sitting on the floor of the car and grabbing her hands, “I’m sorry. I really am, I was being an ass, I know I was. I don’t want to lose you over me being stupid.”

She smiled sleepily and pulled my head into her lap, setting hers on top of mine, “well I know how to get you to apologize now.”

“Shut up, you’re not allowed to do that to me again.”

She chuckled into my hair, “Billy?”

“Yeah, Baby?” I squeezed her hands lightly.

She was quiet for a moment before whispering, “I think I love you.”

My whole body tensed, nobody had ever said that to me before, I had never said that to anybody before. Do I love her? Is that what this crushing feeling in my chest is? Could she hear my heart threatening to burst from my chest?

“You don’t need to say it back, I don’t know why I said that,” she whispered after a moment, pulling her head away from me and letting go of my hands. “I should probably go home.”

My throat constricted and I just nodded, looking down at her lap, unable to speak.

Cat moved to get out of the car, “I’ll just uh..go.”

I held her down, “I’ll drive you.”

“B-Billy, that’s not, I can, I’m okay,” she stuttered.

I was already up though and was closing the door on her protests. When I sat down in the drivers seat she was just staring out the window. With a sigh I turned my music up a bit and started driving. The drive to Cat’s felt like it took ten times as long as usual, the silence between us deafening. When we pulled up to her house she was practically jumping at the door.

“Cat, wait. Can we talk?”

She looked at me, a withering smile on her face, “nothing to talk about, Billy. I was woozy, didn’t know what I was saying. See you later.”

Then she was basically running into her house, leaving me no chance to explain. With a growl, I flicked the volume on the radio, spinning the dial until it was so loud I couldn’t hear myself think and I left, the bottle of cheap whiskey and packs of cigarettes in my room calling to me.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2 weeks later

Friday - 2 weeks later

Fuck.

Mother fucker.

My period is late.

I looked on my calendar to see when it was supposed to start and it should have started a week ago.

I don’t remember much of the walk but I soon found myself at the counter of the pharmacy, the lady behind the counter waving her hand in front of my face.

“Sweetie? Are you okay? I understand what you’re feeling,” no you don’t, “it’s a big shock. I hope you get the answer you want.” 

She had a sweet face, like she actually cared about every person she came across. I hated it.

I painted on my biggest fake smile, nodded and grabbed the paper bag off the counter before leaving the store.

What do I do if it’s true? Billy still had no idea about me, he hadn’t even told me he loved me 2 weeks ago. We hadn’t talked about it again, just went on like it never happened. If he didn’t love me back then I didn’t want to hound him into saying something he didn’t mean. Do I tell Steve? What can he do about it? He’ll just force me to tell Billy.

I chewed on my fingers while I waited.

Positive.

Shit shit shit.

It was me.

Shaking, I pulled myself into the shower, the hot water burning my skin as I sat there, emotionless. I sat in the shower until the hot water ran out then clambered out of the tub, collapsing in a heap on the floor. If I wasn’t good enough for him to love me before he definitely wouldn’t now that I’d be fatter. Or do I get rid of it? What the hell am I going to do? How do you tell someone that you were raped when they weren’t around to protect you?

~~

Nancy had told me to come to this party, she seemed worried that I hadn’t come out of my house in the last couple days. I had been laying in my bed, barely moving, slicing myself open to feel something and drinking constantly. Luckily, my mom believed my stomach bug excuse and I never saw her much anyways. To be honest, I could use the distraction and since I had already spent the past couple days drinking, I figured what’s the harm.

“C'mon Cat, it’ll be fun! You seem so down, come have fun with us!” She had promised that her and Steve would be there but when I arrived they were nowhere to be found.

Billy was here this time, bare chested and ready to drink as he lead the way through the crowds towards the kitchen. At least someone was there for me.

“Drink?” He asked, grabbing a couple cups of beer.

“Please,” I nodded, taking the cup and chugging half of it at once.

He chuckled, “easy. I know you pre-gamed already, you trying to out drink me?”

I grinned and slammed back the last of my cup, reaching for a refill, “yep.”

Within a couple hours I was very drunk, so much so I couldn’t really remember what I had been so upset about. I was dancing with Billy in the living room, a mash of sweaty bodies all around us. His hands were all over me, gripping at my hips, grazing up my stomach towards my breasts. One arm wrapped around my throat, bumping my chin as he tried to pull me into a kiss.

Hands. Everywhere. I couldn’t, couldn’t fucking breathe.

“Billy,” I mumbled, pushing my hands against his chest, “I need to go,” I stumbled past him and ran out the front door, heaving into the lawn.

“What’s wrong? Cat?” He called, coming after me.

He found me curled in a ball on the grass after puking my guts out and chuckled.

“Too much to drink, Baby?” He joked, rubbing my back as I shook.

I wiped my mouth, my heart still racing as flashes of memories played in my mind. Being carried away, a hand on my mouth. Hands, grabbing. Positive.

“I’m good,” I shakily got off the ground, pulling on Billy’s arm for support.

“I need another drink.”

~~

I don’t remember getting home that night but I woke up alone in my house with a pounding headache and the need to puke. My mom was out with friends from work, thankfully leaving me to puke in peace.

I was hugging the toilet, contemplating my life when I noticed the wetness filling my underwear. I tugged down my pants to see them full of blood and had a weird conflict of emotions flood my mind. Sick satisfaction that my problem had been solved, relief that I wouldn’t have to tell anyone and despair for what happened to me. I stalked down to my mother’s liquor cabinet and picked out a bottle, taking a large swig before going back to the bathroom to shower off the blood and the acidic stench of puke.

I had been in the shower for a while when I heard Steve’s voice echoing through the house, “Cat? You alive?”

I cocked my head and moaned, my head pounding even though I had drank away my hangover. Steve followed the sound of water and knocked on the bathroom door. When I didn’t say anything, he opened the door and could see me sitting in the tub, blood running down the drain.

He instantly panicked, “jesus, Cat! What happened?!”

He pulled on my arms, wincing when he saw new dark red lines marring my arms and looking confused when he saw that that wasn’t where the blood was coming from.

“It was me,” I slurred, trying to pull my arms back.

“What? What was you? Are you okay?” He questioned, reaching over me to turn off the water.

“I was pregnant,” I whispered, looking at the floor of the tub.

It took him a second to connect what I was saying, his eyes growing wide once he figured it out and dropping my hands.

“Shit.”

I snorted, “yeah, shit.”

He turned around to grab a towel for me and helped me out of the tub, frowning when he saw more new marks littering my hips. Steve helped me get dressed in one of Billy’s shirts and a large pair of sweatpants after walking me to my bedroom, both of us totally silent. I clambered into my bed and stared at the wall, feeling empty and cried out.

Steve cleared his throat, making me look over at him.

“Do you want me to call someone? Should I call Billy? Do you want me to leave? What can I do?” He twisted his hands together, fidgeting uncomfortably.

I scooted over and opened my comforter, shaking my head, “haven’t told him, Stevie, I can’t tell him. ’M a-a fuckin coward.”

Steve frowned and sat on the bed, his back against the headboard and pulled the blanket over himself. I shuffled over until I was curled into his lap, my head against his chest and sighed.

“Steve?”

“Yeah, Cat?” He carefully put his hands around me, rubbing my arm gently.

“Billy doesn’t love me,” I whispered, my voice as hollow as my chest felt.

“I-I’m sure he does,” he stammered, “he’s just less of a lover and more of a fighter, y'know? He wouldn’t be with you and not having sex if he didn’t have feelings for you, right?”

“I guess.”

“Are you gunna talk to him?”

I sighed, “I don’t know Stevie, what if he don’t love me? What if I’m too, too fucking fucked up and he leaves? What if he thinks I’m gross? How do I tell him? How do you bring this shit up?” I rambled, my words slurring more as I started getting tired.

“If he leaves, he’s the fucked up one. You’re not gross,” he soothed, smoothing down my hair. “I’m not sure how you’re going to tell him. There’s not really a how to book on this type of stuff. I’m here though, if you need me to be there when you talk to him you just let me know. Nance and I broke up so I have all the time in the world,” his laugh after was forced, masking how hurt he really felt.

I frowned, squeezing him tight, “oh, Stevie. You’re a good one.”

He smirked, air blowing out his nose in a huffy laugh and pressed his cheek to the top of my head, letting me clutch his shirt as I fell asleep.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cat pretends everything is fine

Monday - third week of school

I waited in the kitchen with a Tupperware container of toast and a travel mug full of coffee that I had sneakily spiked when my mom had left the kitchen to shower. Billy’s car pulled into the driveway, music booming.

I walked over to the bathroom door, calling out over the water, “bye, Mom!”

With a deep breath I grabbed my things and walked out of the house, meeting Billy in the driveway for a kiss. He pulled away from me, his eyebrows knit together and walked to the passenger side of the car, opening the door for me.

“Thanks, Billy,” I tried to sound cheery, “morning, Max. Want some toast?” I asked, opening the container and offering it to both siblings.

Billy and Max exchanged a look before digging in, finishing off the toast quickly. Max started talking about her classes, how she wasn’t understanding some of the work while Billy sucked the jam off his fingers.

“Well I could come over after school and help you out if you want,” I offered.

Billy nearly choked, “no! Absolutely not.”

“Why not? Max needs help with her homework,” I looked at him, confused.

“You’re not stepping foot in our house, Cat. You hear me? Not optional,” his jaw clenched and his fingers tightened on the steering wheel.

I pouted for a second, “well then why don’t you come to my place? It would be nice to have some company, my mom will be asleep.”

They looked at each other in the rear view mirror before Billy nodded, “sure, that sounds great, Babe.”

Max beamed from the backseat, “can we get pizza?”

Billy’s chuckled as he pulled into the school parking lot, “sure, Max. We’ll pick some up after school.”

We all got out of the car, Max waving goodbye enthusiastically as she skated off. When I turned around I was suddenly face to face with Billy, who was glowering down at me.

“B, what’s wrong?” I asked, confused.

He grabbed the coffee mug out of my hands and took a big swig, grimacing at the taste before unscrewing the lid and tossing the contents on the ground.

“What the fuck?!”

“I could smell this as soon as you left the house. Max could smell it. What’s going on?”

“Billy, I-” I was interrupted by the school bell and sighed in relief. “We’re going to be late, let’s go. We can’t do this now.”

Billy grabbed my wrist, not moving, “but you will tell me?”

“Yes, I’ll tell you. Later,” that seemed good enough as he set his jaw and slipped his hand down to lace our fingers together to walk into the school with me.

–

By lunch my anxiety was through the roof, I was nervously chewing my fingers and leaning on Billy’s car. When I saw him walking towards me I clenched my fists, letting my nails dig into my palms and tried to decide what I was going to tell him.

“Hey, Princess,” his lips pulled into a tight line across his face as he took a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket, lighting one.

“Hey..”

“So, you gunna tell me what’s going on with you?”

“Billy..I-”

“No,” he interrupted, a stern look on his face, “tell me.”

I sighed, “can we go somewhere else?” I asked, hugging my arms to my chest.

His eyes softened, “yeah, Baby. We can go somewhere else.”

He walked around the car to open the passenger door, letting me get in before gently closing it. Billy’s familiar scent filled my nose, leather, cologne and cigarettes calming my nerves.

“Are you hungry?” He asked, pulling into the diner parking lot.

“I’d eat some of your fries and a diet coke,” I answered with a tired smile.

Billy nodded and left me in the car to get his lunch. As soon as he left I started shaking, my heart pounding as I thought of what to tell him. Tears threatened to fall while I waited.

Billy returned to the car, a bag of food clutched in his hand and a confused look on his face when he saw me wiping my eyes.

“Babe, you’re worrying me,” he spoke quietly, “are you breaking up with me?”

“No! That’s not it, Billy. I promise.”

He exhaled loudly, shoulders sagging in relief and started up his car.

When we pulled up to our spot in the forest, Billy turned off the car and pulled the bag of food into his lap, rummaging through for his burger. I sipped on my diet coke, watching him devour the burger.

Eventually he looked over at me with a cocked eyebrow, “well?”

“Billy, I’ve just had a lot of shit going on y'know? Like, it’s hard being alone so much, I haven’t been sleeping much and the party when you weren’t there..”

He bowed his head, “I’m sorry about that, I’ve told you.”

I waved my hand at him, “no, it’s not you. I just got freaked out about what happened. Then we were fighting and then I said.. the thing.. that we haven’t talked about and I was so worried that I fucked us up,” tears were spilling down my face now.

Billy reached across the car, grabbing my hand and sighed, “Cat. It didn’t fuck anything up.”

“Do you though?” I sniffed.

“Do I what?”

I pulled my hand out of his and scoffed, getting out of the car.

Billy followed soon after, “Baby?”

I wrapped my jacket around myself tightly and stared at him, “Billy. Do you love me or not?! Either you’re in or out, I don’t want to beat around the bush and pretend it never happened anymore.”

He was in front of me in an instant, grabbing my face, “I’m in. I’m always in for you, Cat.”

“I love you, Billy,” I whispered, wrapping my arms around his back and twisting my fists in his jacket.

“I love you,” he whispered.

He clutched me to his chest as he kissed me, like he was afraid if he let go it wouldn’t be real. My heart still ached, I thought about telling him everything but I couldn’t get the words out. It’s like my throat had been ripped out and I couldn’t make a sound. Couldn’t break the happy bubble that Billy was in now.

–

Billy and Max had made quick work of the pizza we bought while I nibbled at one piece, taking as small of bites as possible to make it last.

“Not hungry, Cat?” Max asked, mouth full of crust.

“Maxine,” Billy scolded, “don’t talk with your mouth full.” She poked her tongue out at him and he cocked an eyebrow at me, “you didn’t eat many fries earlier either. You okay?”

I nodded taking a bigger bite of the pizza, “I’m fine, see?”

He frowned, holding my gaze sternly before looking back at Max, “alright, Shitbird. Where’s your homework?”

Before they left, Billy pulled me aside and told Max to wait in the car. Gentle hands grabbed my arm, tugging me to the side of the door.

“Cat. Are you sure you’re okay?”

I smiled, patted his cheek, “B, I’m okay.”

He grabbed my wrist over my sweater, held it tight to his face, “would you tell me if you weren’t? You can tell me anything. You know that, right?”

I nodded, “I’m fine, B. Really-”

“Cat, you were drinking at school. That doesn’t seem fine to me,” his eyes were intense, voice dropping low, “I was thinking about it and I haven’t seen you eating much. Is that why you passed out?”

My heart raced, not now, not like this, “B…”

“Billy? We should go! Before Neil gets mad!” Max called from the car.

He groaned, “finish this later?”

“Yeah,” I breathed, “yeah, later.”

He nodded, pressed his lips to my forehead, “I love you, Cat.”

“I love you, B,” I whispered, heart pounding in my throat.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cat and Billy have issues  
> Starting off this chapter with some smut

Friday- third week of school

By the time Billy had come back Monday the topic of my eating had been dropped, forgotten. Billy had shown up deflated, beaten down and walled inside himself after another screaming match with Neil and just needed to be touched. I’d caged him down, ran my tongue down his neck and sucked a line of bruises along his pulse. A pretty purple chain against Billy’s golden skin that would make his heart flutter and his cock jump every time he caught a glimpse of them. I shoved Billy’s shirt off his shoulders and slid my cool fingers down his sides, leaving a trail of kisses down his chest until I reached his heart. He was starting to come alive under me, his abs tensing at my touch and his chest rising rapidly as he panted.

“B,” I breathed, pressing a kiss to the dip in his chest.

He moaned lightly, hips arching up against my leg.

I smirked, “want me to make you feel good?”

The sound that came out of his throat was unholy, it was a mixture of a whine and a growl. Cause Billy Hargrove doesn’t whine, he fights, unless he’s already fought himself out, like now, then I can make him whine. He tries to fight that too, being raised to be a man, but he just needs to be touched, loved, so he allows himself to be vulnerable. With me, only with me, does he let the walls down and show the desperate, needy person he hides inside.

“Please,” he ground out, like the word itself was foreign to him.

I hummed, running my nose down the center of his stomach until I reached the edge of his pants. I nipped at the V of his hips, making him hiss while I undid his pants and sucked another chain of bruises along the muscle. I slid his jeans down his hips, slowly pulling them until just the head of his cock was trapped and then pulled my head back and watched his cock slap against his belly when I quickly jerked his pants down more.

Billy let out a shuddering sigh when I laid my tongue against the bottom of his cock and slid my way up, giving his head a flick. I did this a few times, teasing him until he whined again.

“Baby, please,” he begged.

“Since you asked nice,” I teased before sucking him into my mouth.

His hand fisted in my hair with a sigh as I bobbed up and down his length. I’d blown Billy enough times to trust his hand on my head and know I was in control but the sudden grasp still made my heart skip a few beats. I focused on breathing and kept sucking, my hand sliding along the bottom of his shaft that wasn’t in my mouth.

Small gasps and moans started to come from Billy’s mouth, telling me he was close. I bobbed on Billy’s cock one, two, three more times before taking him into my throat and letting him hold me there as he came. I pulled off him, gasping for air, my eyes stinging with tears and collapsed onto the bed beside him. He pulled me to his chest and nuzzled into my hair, a small grin stuck on his face as he caught his breath. We laid there, enjoying the quiet, just soaking in each other.

Until, “Cat. Is there something going on that you haven’t told me?”

“B, what do you mean?”

Billy sat up, his bright blue eyes staring at me, “you know what I mean. You passed out, you hardly eat anything, you’re drinking all the time and believe me, you have to drink a lot before I think it’s a problem. What’s going on? What happened at the party? Did you sleep with Harrington? Is that what happened and you feel guilty or what?”

“Oh jesus, no! Billy, for the last time, I didn’t sleep with Steve!”

He raised his hands, “okay, well something happened. I’m not stupid, you’ve been weird. Max noticed, she wouldn’t stop talking about you on the way home. She cares about you too you know.”

I winced, “I told you, nothing happened. I’m fine.”

Billy huffed and laid back down, “I don’t think you’re fine, Cat.”

I sighed, hiding my face in his chest so he couldn’t see my watery eyes. We laid in silence for a second before he spoke up again, voice just barely above a whisper.

“You know you’re beautiful, right?”

I looked up at him, “what?”

Billy cleared his throat, looking straight ahead instead of meeting my gaze, “you’re beautiful, Cat. You don’t need to be dieting like crazy or whatever.”

–

Billy had spent the rest of the week eyeing me closely, sniffing my coffee every morning to make sure it wasn’t spiked. It wasn’t, but I would chug a few shots before brushing my teeth. I had a bottle stashed in my closet now to make sneaking easier. He had also been slyly trying to feed me all week, offering me things from his lunch, watching me until I took a bite. Hovering. I would smile tightly and take it, keeping track so I knew how much more to run and kept telling him I was okay.

Billy honked as he pulled into the driveway, telling me it was time to head to tonight’s party. I strode out of the house, flashing him a smile before sitting in the passenger seat.

“Hey, Baby. You sure you want to go to this? I mean..”

“I’m fine, B. I want to go. Plus, the mighty King must defend his crown, right?” I smirked.

A light blush crossed his cheeks, “shut up,” he chuckled, placing a hand on my thigh and giving it a squeeze.

I refilled my cup, having downed the contents yet another time. Billy’s chest was sticky with spilled beer, the drunker he got, the stickier he got. He had done a keg stand soon after we arrived, had to defend his title, and that coupled with the shots he and his friends had taken he was absolutely plastered. Not that I was too far behind, I had been attached to Billy’s hip the entire night and so had been a part of the rounds of shots. My head was swimming when Billy pulled me into an empty room, dizzy and breathless.

Billy pushed me backwards against the door, caging me in with his arms as he kissed me. His tongue swept across my bottom lip, tangling with mine once I opened my lips with a sigh. I moaned into his mouth, my one hand tangling into the curls at the back of his neck. He grunted, one hand sliding down my side, squeezing at my hips. I gasped when Billy’s lips trailed down my neck, his hot breath sending shivers down my spine as he sucked a line down my throat.

“Cat,” he groaned, pressing his body into mine, “I want you.”

I hummed, not fully comprehending what he was saying, the only thing I understood was that I wanted more. More of Billy, his warmth. Clumsily, he unbuttoned my large flannel, fingers reaching just under.

No. I can’t.

Hands.

I want you.

He’ll know.

Hands. Everywhere.

“Billy,” I mumbled, my hands against his chest.

He groaned, nuzzling his face into the crook of my neck, “fuck, I love you.”

Billy’s fingers dragged down my shoulders, leaving hot trails where my flannel once sat. His voice echoed in my ears, I love you, when he reached my elbows. My heart was ready to pound out of my chest, my throat felt dry and my hands started to shake.

“B,” I croaked, “please.”

“Fuck, Cat,” he breathed, the smell of alcohol strong as he rolled his hips against mine, “I need you.”

Tears stung my eyes as I pushed against his chest again, “Billy.”

He was so drunk and so strong, I couldn’t do anything but stumble along as he spun us around and backed me into the bed. The edge hit the back of my knees and I tipped backwards, heart racing. Billy’s weight was crushing on my chest as he sucked dark bruises into my neck. My lungs felt like they were full of cement, holding me down on the bed as I struggled to breathe. Billy’s hand slid down my sides, fingers slipping under the hem of my pants.

Flashes of memories played in my head, being carried away, held down. Clothes being ripped off.

I couldn’t move, couldn’t fucking breathe. Maybe it’s okay though, I want to be with Billy and he loves me and maybe..

His fingers slid further into my pants, grazing over what he wanted. Exploring. The other hand held mine, my fingers shakily squeezing his.

I love you.

I need you.

Please.

Stop.

“Don’t be nervous, Baby,” he mumbled into my collarbone, giving my hand a squeeze.

When I didn’t move, didn’t say anything, Billy looked up at my face, at the tears that had poured out from the corners of my eyes. Worry crossed his face, his hand leaving my pants to cup my face, his other hand still captive in my tightened fingers.

“Cat, Baby, what’s wrong? What did I do?”

I was hyperventilating, taking too many breaths but not enough air, I still couldn’t breathe. I just laid there, shaking and crying.

Billy’s eyebrows scrunched together as he pulled me into his warm chest, his free arm tight against my back.

“Cat, please. Talk to me, I’m sorry,” his voice hitched against my ear, he was scared, confused.

He held me tighter to him, his arm trembling against me. His usual comforting warmth was too much, too hot, like fire burning me up.

“Stop,” I whispered, too quiet.

“Hmm?”

“Please. Stop.”

Billy pulled back, eyes searching my face, “what?”

“I can’t…we..B, I can’t do this.”

Billy nodded, “okay, that’s okay. We don’t have to do anythi-”

“No, B,” I shook my head, my voice small and wavering as I pushed away from him, “I can’t…do this,” I gestured between us, “anymore. It’s not working.”

“Cat, what are you talking about? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to,” Billy laid his hand on my thigh.

Slowly, agonizingly slow, I let go of his hand and stood on shaky legs. It felt like I had been hit by a truck, my whole body screaming in pain over pushing him away.

Billy surged forward to grab my hands, “Cat, Princess, I swear I didn’t mean to push you. C'mon, it’s okay, we’re okay, right?”

I shook my head, “B, this isn’t fair…”

It’s not fair to you, I’m too screwed up, I’m sorry.

My throat constricted around the words I was too scared to say.

I pulled my hands out of Billy’s and left the room before I could change my mind. Grabbed a couple bottles of expensive alcohol from the kitchen before I started my walk home, my heart breaking more and more each step.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve's POV  
> Steve gets a drunken call from Cat

Steve’s POV

I had been out driving around, just listening to music and trying to take my mind off everything. When I got home, a bag of snacks tucked under my arm, I sighed and flopped down on the couch. I looked over at the phone and noticed the blinking light that signaled a message.

“Probably mom or dad,” I huffed, getting up and walking over, “thinking that a phone message replaces being here.”

“Steve, sweetie, it’s mom-” Skip.

“Son-” Skip

“Stevie,” my ears perked up at Cat’s slurring voice, “Steeevvviiieeee, are you home? Obviously not, listen, listen, Stevie. I did something, something really dumb. I need you, I need your help. Or not, if you don’t help me that’s fine. I’m fine, everything is fiiiiinnnee, right, Stevie?” I was already grabbing my car keys when I heard the last of her message, “bye, Stevie.”

The way her voice sounded, so small and empty, put a knot in my stomach as I raced out of the house. The drive seemed to take two, three, ten fucking times longer than it should have.

“What the fuck did you do?”

–

I pulled up to her house and let myself in and instantly had goosebumps running up my body. The air inside felt thick, wrong, too quiet, as I started searching the house.

“Cat? Are you here?”

Rocky burst down the hall, making me nearly jump out of my skin and ran to my side, whining.

“Hey, Buddy,” I whispered, patting his head before leading him to the back door to let him out into the yard and continuing my search.

“Hello?”

I stopped, ears straining for any noise and heard a light moan coming from down the hall. My heart was ready to pound of of my chest as I approached the bathroom door.

Bye, Stevie.

I steeled myself, lungs screaming as I held my breath and rapped on the door with a knuckle.

“Cat?” My voice came out small and hitched.

She was lying in the tub, sprawled out like she had fallen in, head lolling to the side. My heart kicked into my throat and I started hyperventilating, I knew I was, I could fucking hear my panicked breath but I didn’t feel like I was breathing. My chest was tight, painful, as I stumbled across the floor.

“No, no, no, fuck, fuck,” I was shaking when I reached for her face.

She was cold and clammy, sweating like her veins were full of fire. But she was breathing, I could see her chest rising in small, shallow movements. The stench of alcohol was strong, like she had bathed in it and looking around I could see a bottle of aspirin knocked over haphazardly, teetering on the edge of the counter.

“Hey, can you hear me?” I asked, shaking her shoulders.

When she didn’t move, didn’t open her fucking eyes, I swear I felt my soul leave my body. She can’t do this, how could she fucking do this?

“Okay, okay, oh jesus, fuck, okay,” words spilled out of my mouth as I climbed into the tub behind her.

I pulled Cat against my chest, straightening her up and leaned forward to turn on the shower, hoping the cool water would stop the sweats and rinse away what I was about to do. With a shaky breath I grabbed her face in one hand and stuck the fingers of my other hand down her throat. Her chest heaved and I fought my instincts to pull my hand away, instead pushing it further until burning puke spilled out of her mouth. I pulled my hand away then and tipped her forward, trying to get her head under the water and direct the puke into the drain.

“Okay, you’re okay, we’re okay, fuck, come on,” I looked over her shoulder at her face and shook her, “come on, asshole, wake up. Please!.”

When her eyes fluttered but stayed closed I pushed my fingers down her throat again, waiting until more puke burned me before tipping her over the drain.

“Come on,” I groaned, “please. You fucking asshole, come on.”

Finally, after getting her to puke once more she started coughing and her eyes opened, just barely and they were red ringed and hazy but they were open.

“Oh fuck, thank fucking god,” I wrapped my arms around Cat, clutching her close as the water ran over us. “You fucking asshole, why? How could you fucking do that?”

Cat groaned, resting her head back into my shoulder, breathing heavily. I kept a tight hold on her as I leaned us forward, turning the water off before slumping back against the tub. After a while of silence, Cat started to shiver.

“S-Stevie?”

“What?” I snapped, angrier than I intended.

She flinched, turned her eyes down and tried to suppress a shiver, “I didn’t…”

“Didn’t what? Try to kill yourself? Could have fucking fooled me, asshole.”

I was being too harsh, I could tell when she didn’t say anything after, so I carefully stood up, dragging her out of the tub with me and sat her on the edge of the tub, her face pressed against the wall.

“Where are your fucking towels?”

Cat pointed behind me at the small closet in the wall. I pulled out a few of the biggest ones I could find and dropped them on the counter.

“I should take you to the hospital.”

“No! Stevie, you can’t. I’m okay, you can’t! Please,” she begged.

I sighed, running a hand through my hair as I stared at her.

“Can you move? You need to get out of those wet clothes,” I tried to soften my voice, take some of the edge off.

Her dewy eyes met mine, as if asking for mercy before shifting to the side again as she tried to pull off her over sized flannel. She moved slowly and shakily but she was moving so I started peeling off my wet clothes, leaving myself in just my boxers before helping her. I grabbed her tiny waist in one arm to hold her and finished sliding the flannel off, tossing it to the ground before sitting her down again.

“You gunna tell me what happened?”

“I just..had a headache,” her voice was small and hoarse.

I cocked an eyebrow at her, “don’t bullshit me.”

“Stevie, I swear,” tears began to fall from her eyes as she pleaded with me, “I swear, I didn’t.. I drank too much, didn’t realize how many..”

I sighed, wrapping a towel around my waist, “don’t fucking move.”

I walked out of the bathroom, just far enough to take my boxers off without being seen and then came back, dropping them in the pile of wet clothes.

“Do you…are you,” I huffed, “your clothes are soaked, are you okay to change or do you want my help?”

She puffed out her cheeks with a shaky breath, “I might need help.”

“Okay,” I reached out to help her stand against the wall and reached forward to undo her pants.

She flinched, making me look up at her, “you okay?”

Cat nodded, biting her lip and holding her breath as I popped the button. More tears fell and she started breathing fast, too fast, when I pulled down the zipper and grabbed the waistband.

“Cat. Hey, Cat,” I looked up at her and waited for her to meet my eyes, “just, look at me. You’re safe, I promise. I’m just trying to help, okay?”

She breathed out, a long shaky breath and didn’t look away from me this time, “okay.”

Slowly, I pulled her pants down her hips, keeping eye contact with her as I felt the harsh curves of her hip bones under my fingers. When her pants reached her knees, I gently grabbed one thigh in my hand and pulled her foot off the ground to free her leg of the soaked jeans and repeated with the other leg.

“Are you okay? Do you need me to help you with the rest?” I asked, motioning at her underwear and small top.

“I…I can do it, if you grab clothes. Billy left some clothes here, they should fit you..in my closet.”

I grabbed a towel and laid it over her shoulders to catch the drips from her hair and gathered her in my arms, “shout if you need me, okay?”

She nodded into my chest, hands fisted against my back, “okay.”

I held her for a moment before turning to leave but was stopped by her hand around my bicep, “Stevie?”

“Hmm?”

She gave me a watery smile, “thank you.”

My lips tightened into a line before I nodded once and left.

I found Billy’s clothes in Cat’s closet and got dressed, swimming in his clothes a little bit, before rifling around a bit more to find comfortable clothes for Cat. When I got back to the bathroom, Cat was wrapped in the towels and sitting on the edge of the tub.

I placed her clothes on the counter, “where’s your mom?”

“Gone. She had a training thing out of town, be gone at least a week or two she said.”

“Okay, well you’re gunna stay with me.”

“Stevie,” she protested.

“I’m not asking. I’ve got nobody at home either and I’m not leaving you alone, get dressed and we’ll pack a bag for you.”

She huffed, resigning to my demand and picked her clothes off the counter and motioned for me to leave.

“Did you eat tonight?” I asked from the outside of the door.

“You’re looking at it,” she quipped.

My head fell back against the door, “you’re gunna give me fucking grey hair before I’m twenty five.”

She laughed dryly, “can’t have that, that’s your only defining feature.”

I smirked, “you’re not very nice to me, you know?”

She came out of the bathroom, tugging the t shirt I had grabbed for her down and looking at me with sad, red eyes, “no, I guess I’m not.”

–

At home I left Cat to unpack and get herself and Rocky comfortable in my room and went to sit in the kitchen. My body felt tense, strung out now that the adrenaline had wore off and I started shaking. My fingers were vibrating against my eyes as I held my face, emotions hitting me all at once now that I was alone. I was pissed, fucking livid at her, but also relieved and the mix came out of me in a rough sob. I sat at the table, chest heaving as sobs ripped through me for I don’t even know how long. Could’ve been fucking hours, I had no idea. I eventually felt small hands wrap around my shoulders, cool skin chilling me as Cat leaned against my back.

“Hey..” she whispered.

“Hey,” I rasped, voice scratchy from crying.

“Come on,” she soothed, moving her arms to pull at my hands.

I sniffed and breathed out shakily before letting her pull me up and into my room. I slumped down onto the bed with a sigh, completely exhausted now. Cat pulled the covers down and climbed under them before laying down, pulling me with her to lay my head on her side. We laid there silently for a while, me clutching at her while I tried to calm myself.

“Why’d you call me?” I asked.

She let out a breath and something that was almost a sob, “Billy and I broke up. And you know…everything. I trust you.”

“What? Why?”

“It was stupid, probably, I don’t know. We were drunk and he just, he wanted to, tried to…I couldn’t stop him, Stevie, I… He stopped and I left, told him I couldn’t do this anymore.”

“Did he…?”

She looked at me, eyes wide, “no! Nothing happened, I just freaked out, started panicking.”

“Well, is that what you want? To not be with him anymore?” I shifted to look at her.

“No, I mean, I love him. I just don’t know, after everything, if he’ll feel the same,” she explained, a couple tears rolling down her cheek.

I sighed, shifting up the bed, “come here,” I rolled onto my back and patted my shoulder, “you’re a shitty pillow.”

She snorted and rolled into me, “you’re a jerk.”

“Yeah,” I murmured, wrapping an arm around her, “and you’re an asshole.”


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cat and Steve get closer  
> some Billy POV  
> also, some smut

Friday-fourth week of school

Billy’s POV

“Hey man, your girl needs to be picked up.”

I scoffed at Tommy over the phone, “I’m on lock down, Hall. And anyway she’s not my girl now.”

Tommy groaned, “whatever fight you caused, apologize, she’s off the handle.”

“Off the handle, how?”

I could hear music and people shouting in the background, causing Tommy’s voice to raise, “those creeps from out of town are back, they’ve been hanging around her… She’s high man, outta her mind high.”

I bristled, anger spiking through me, “I haven’t seen her all week, she’s been avoiding me. Try someone else, call me back if there’s nobody else and I’ll figure something out.”

“Yeah, okay.”

“Hall?”

“What?”

I huffed, wiping my hand across my face, “keep an eye on her until someone gets her?”

Tommy sighed, “yeah, sure, okay.”

Cat’s POV

Steve picked me up from the party, angry that he had been getting his own buzz on and was called to come get me. Dragged me away would be a better description, I just was feeling so good. I had been drunk enough not to care about joining a group of pot heads and was thoroughly out of my mind. Steve had to pull a guy off my face in order to drag me away, I just wanted to be touched, to feel good, normal.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” He growled once he had stuffed me in the car.

“Mmm I just, just want to be normal.”

“Well this is not normal, you’ve been moping around all week and now you’re running off to get fucked up.”

“You know what, Steve? Nobody... nobody fucking asked you,” I mumbled, crossing my arms in front of my chest.

“You asked for my help and I helped you, remember? I’m still trying to help you but I can’t do anything if you’re not trying to help yourself,” Steve sighed, pulling the car into his driveway.

I huffed, quietly glaring out the window for the rest of the drive. When we got back to Steve’s, he basically had to carry me inside and was trying his best to get me to go to bed.

“You need to sleep it off, Cat.”

“But Steeevviiieee.”

“No, nope, go to sleep,” he grumbled from the door, “I’ll be back.”

I whined, shuffling around in his sheets to wrap myself up in the softness. When he came back he had a large glass of water and two Tylenol, only two, he’d hidden all the medication in his house when he brought me here and doled it out to me like a nurse when needed.

Spending the week with Steve hadn’t been too bad, he had been strict but it was kind of nice to have someone around who cared. He’d started going for runs with me to make sure I was okay after he had woke up Monday morning to me being “missing” and he had called all the kids with a code red and had a fit when I finally came back to his house sweaty and out of breath. He’d also been trying to force me to eat, shoving food at me and watching until I took a bite and frowning every time I walked around with my giant cup of Diet Coke. We’d fought about that on Tuesday, after a few days of that being my main source of food, Steve had exploded, his emotions still running high from finding me. The rest of the week had been nicer, easier, after Steve had unloaded his pent up emotions but I could tell when he sat down to drink a couple beers before sliding into bed beside me every night that it still weighed on him.

Steve crawled into the bed beside me and I rolled over, placing my hands on his chest, fingers curling into his warmth and shifted closer to him. His breath smelled of beer, like he had chugged one or two more before coming to bed.

“Steve?”

“Hmm?”

“Do you love me?”

He choked, surprised by how straight forward I was, “what?”

“Do you?” I tipped my head up to look at his confused face.

“I saved your life.”

“That’s not the question, Steve.”

“Of course I do, I wouldn’t have brought you here if I didn’t care about you. But not, I’m not like, in love with you, you know? I love you as my friend.”

I smiled, “I love you too, Stevie. As a friend.”

He smirked, a light laugh shaking his chest. Slowly, I inched my face closer to his, “Steve?”

He gulped, “y-yeah?”

“Do you trust me?”

Our faces were inches apart and I could feel the movement of the pillow when he nodded.

“Can I try something?”

Steve nodded again and I pushed myself forward until our lips met and felt the shocked noise he made vibrate through my lips.

“Cat,” he breathed, “what? You’re drunk and, and what about Billy?”

“Steve. I can’t be with him if I can’t get past this. I can’t be with anybody, I just, I need to feel normal, I need to try, Stevie. Please? It won’t, won’t mean anything.”

Steve hummed, “Cat..”

“Please?”

“I mean..sure? Are you sure?”

I nodded, rolling over top of him. He let out a shaky breath under me before I kissed him. His lips were so soft against mine, it was strange compared to Billy’s rough lips. The drugs and alcohol were effecting me though and I couldn’t stop the moan that bubbled up in my throat when his tongue swept along my lip. Slowly, I slid my hands down his sides, feeling him tense under my cool fingers. Steve’s hands came up to my hips, gripping tightly and I whimpered into his mouth.

He broke the kiss and looked at me, “you okay?”

“Mhm,” I nodded, “ just, uhm, gentle, okay?” My heart was starting to pound and I took a deep breath to steady myself.

“Yeah, yep, okay,” he murmured, loosening his hands on me.

A low groan built in Steve’s throat as I sucked under his jaw and pressed light kisses down to his collarbone. I slid my body down Steve’s chest, stopping just above his boxers to look up at him. Steve met my gaze with plush lips parted, a sigh escaping him when I kissed the dip of his hips. I hooked my fingers in his boxers and slowly pulled them down, freeing his cock. I ran my tongue up his shaft, flicking up at the tip before taking him into my mouth.

Steve’s head tipped back into the pillows, “oh, jesus.”

I hummed, bobbing up and down and using my hand to stroke him. Steve’s hips twitched up when I sucked on his head, a low whine coming from his lips. Slowly, I began working his cock into my throat, taking it as far as I could before coming back up to suck his tip. Steve’s curses and moans filled the room as I kept up the slow, leisurely pace. I splayed a hand on his stomach, feeling him shiver and pant under my touch.

“Cat, oh fuck, I,” he groaned, wrapping his hand around mine.

I brought my head up, smirking at his whine, “feel good, Stevie?”

“Yes,” he hissed, “please, oh fuck, please.”

I hummed, taking his cock back in my mouth and sucked him harder, faster until. Until Steve’s fingers clenched around mine and I held him in my throat, swallowing his cum. Breathless, I stripped my pajama bottoms off and slid up his chest until I was straddling his waist. Steve’s arms slid up my sides, pulling me down to his chest.

He nuzzled into my neck, softly kissing along my pulse, “holy shit, Cat, you…you’re…amazing.”

I smiled, arching into his kiss and felt him shifting and lifting me so he was sitting against the headboard with me in his lap. I wrapped my arms around him, one hand sliding into his hair and the other grabbing his shoulder. Steve nosed along my jaw and placed kisses along my temple, cheek and the corner of my mouth. I sighed into his mouth when our lips met and gently rocked my hips against him. I could feel him half hard against my leg as he reached down to grab the hem of my shirt.

“This okay?” He breathed.

I nodded, lip between my teeth as he pulled my shirt up and off. Steve groaned and cupped the side of my face in his hand, his other hand loosely wrapped around my waist. I turned my head into his palm, the smooth pad of his thumb rubbing gently against my cheek.

I let out a shaky breath into his hand and wrapped my hands around his shoulders as I rolled my hips into him again, feeling his cock grind against me.

Steve cleared his throat, “there’s..uh, condoms in the drawer, uhm…if..you know..” he stammered, motioning towards his bedside table.

I laughed and reached over to fumble in the drawer for a foil, dropping it on the bed beside us. Just in case nothing happened. I lifted myself up so that his cock was just barely pressing into me. That alone was enough to make my heart start racing and my hands start to shake against his shoulders. I whimpered, chest starting to heave with panicked breaths and dropped my face into his shoulder when tears sprung to my eyes.

“Hey,” Steve whispered into my ear, pressing his lips to the side of my face, “hey, you’re safe. I’ve got you, you’re safe, I got you.” He smoothed his hands down my back, “just tell me what you need, Cat, okay?”

I nodded, a few tears falling into his shoulder as a sob ripped through my chest.

“I’m sorry, Stevie.”

He shushed me, kissing my hair softly, “don’t be sorry. We don’t have to, you can stop.. if you need to.”

I sniffed, let out a couple shaky breaths and dropped back down into his lap, his cock pressed between us. Steve wrapped his arms around me, hugging me to his chest and ran his hands up and down my back while I cried. His nose buried in my hair as he shushed me and waited for me to calm down.

After a while I succeeded in pushing down my panic enough to try again. I knotted my hand in his hair as we kissed, moaning with him as his cock stiffened again. Slowly, I worked up the courage to slide down onto his cock, both of us gasping loudly as he filled me. Steve’s head tipped back against the headboard with a loud groan as I started grinding against him. I kept slowly rocking into him, only stopping when he instinctively grabbed my hips, fingers digging in a little too hard.

“S-Stevie,” I whimpered, a shaking hand pressed against his bicep.

He stopped with a small whine, taking a second to realize what was wrong and loosened his grip, “shit, I’m sorry, I didn’t…just..if you want to keep going we should uh..” he pointed at the condom on the bed.

“Yeah, I’m okay,” I breathed.

–

Another panic attack hit me after he came again, ruining the post orgasm high with my hyperventilating and crying. Steve’s face had been so full of worry when I started crying, he grabbed my face and curled his body around my own.

“Cat, did I do something wrong? Oh fuck, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

I whimpered, shaking my head and dug my fingers into his arms. He held me tight until my sobs quieted down and then leaned back to look at my face, his chest slick with my tears.

“Cat?”

I just shook my head and pushed myself off the bed to find clothes, feeling extra naked, exposed. I knew that the marks on my skin made Steve upset, that they were part of the reason why Steve had sucked down beer every night before bed and just wanted to cover up. He waited until I slid back into the warm sheets after pulling on one of his sweaters and curled me into his arms, nuzzling into me to press kisses along my face.

“Sorry, Stevie,” I murmured, “I’m sorry I’m so fucked up…I’m sorry I keep dragging you down with me.”

Steve leaned back to look at me, “hey, hey, look at me, Cat. Don’t apologize, okay? You’re not dragging me down. I promise.” He grabbed my face in his hands and kissed the tears from my cheek, “now, stop crying, okay?”

–

It was early in the morning when we were forced to wake up. The pounding on the front door shocked Steve and I awake, scrambling out of each other’s arms. Rocky paced the room, barking as Steve jumped into a pair of sweatpants, almost falling on his face trying to pull them up.

I snorted and slowly rolled out of the bed, my head throbbing, “Steve, Tylenol.”

The doorbell started ringing, whoever was at the door obviously impatient.

“Uh, yeah, yeah, uh, it’s hidden under the sink in my parent’s bathroom,” he rushed, one hand on the bedroom door. “Cat,” he looked back at me, a stern look on his face, “two. I’ll know if you take any more than that.”

–

Billy’s POV

I bounced on my feet, waiting for fucking Harrington to open the door, my anger rising the longer I waited. Finally, I heard the lock click back and he pulled the door open. Steve had obviously just rolled out of bed, dressed only in a pair of dark sweatpants and his hair a tousled mess. Held back by his hand was…Rocky?

“What are you doing here, Hargrove?”

I motioned towards the dog, “is that Cat’s dog?”

Steve’s eyebrows knit together, “yeah, and?”

My jaw ticked, “why is Rocky here?”

He went quiet for a second, “she asked me to take him for a couple days. What do you want?”

I noticed the light purple bruise under his jaw, and thought of the string of fading bruises on my own neck that started in the same spot.

“Tommy called me last night, said Cat needed a ride home.”

“And?”

I swept my tongue across my bottom lip, hands flexing against my legs, “she wasn’t home, Harrington. Where’s my girl?”

Steve bristled, “last I heard, she wasn’t your girl.”

“Misunderstanding,” I ground out, itching to put my fist through his pretty face.

“Well she’s not here, Tommy called me so I picked her up and took her home. Maybe she went out.”

I could see the panic in Steve’s eyes when he heard footsteps approaching. Over his shoulder I saw Cat come down the hallway, dressed in black leggings and one of Steve’s sweaters. The sleeves hung almost to the end of her fingers, in any other instance it would have looked cute but seeing her here, in Harrington’s fucking house, wearing his fucking clothes after seeing him half naked and bruised was enough to set me off.

“Steve? Who’s at the…” her eyes widened when she saw me, “B..”

“You fucking whore,” I spat, “I knew it. I knew you were fucking him and I was stupid enough to believe you for a second!”

She cowered a bit, wrapping her arms around herself, “no, B, you don’t understand, I swear.”

I growled, “save it. Everything you say is bullshit, Cat. You could have just told me you’d rather be with fucking Harrington.”

Tears sprung to her already puffy eyes as she tried to step forward towards me, stopped only by Steve pushing Rocky into her.

“Take Rocky outside.”

“Steve, you-”

He didn’t even look at her, just stayed glaring at me, “not asking.”

She looked between us concerned, but when neither of us moved she gave Rocky’s collar a tug and led him to the back of the house. I waited until I Cat was well out of range before stepping up to Steve, our chests inches from each other.

“Wanna tell me why the fuck you lied to me, Harrington?”

Steve squared his shoulders, trying to hide the fear that crossed his face, “misunderstanding.”

“No, no, I understand perfectly. You cozied up to her and fucked her right under my nose. But hey, she wants to whore around you can have her,” I sneered, fingers flexing.

Steve pressed a finger to my chest, “listen, asshole-”

My fist cracked across Steve’s jaw, sending him stumbling back a step. I followed him into his house and sent him sprawling to the floor with another well aimed punch. I pounced on him, letting my anger take over as I pummeled his face with my fists. I barely flinched the couple times he managed to land a punch, I was so focused on wanting to kill Steve Harrington. I felt something pull on my shoulders and twisted to push it away. There were hands grabbing at me that I brushed off. Before I realized it Cat had thrown herself between Steve and I, my fist slamming into her back with a momentum I couldn’t stop. A force that was meant to break Steve. Her scream tore through the house, cutting through my anger and I felt like my soul had been wrenched from my body at the realization of what I had done. Cat wrapped herself tighter around Steve, her body shielding his face and sobbed.

“Cat..” I breathed, leaning back and panting heavily.

“Billy, please, you don’t understand,” she cried, turning her tear streaked face to look at me.

I slowly got to my feet, unable to register anything past my shock and left, left Cat sobbing over Steve’s bloody face. I shakily got into my car and drove away slamming my fist into my steering wheel, her scream still echoing in my mind.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the fight Cat hits a low point

Saturday- fifth week of school

“Stevie. I need you, I know you’re mad at me but please. Please, Stevie.”

Except Steve didn’t answer his phone, hadn’t been home and I left a sobbing message instead. I’d been alone for a week after Billy punched Steve’s face in. A week since I had thrown myself over Steve to protect him from Billy’s wrath and taken a punch to the back. The deep purple bruise had barely started fading, the sharp pain every time I moved a stark reminder of what had happened.

After Billy had left I couldn’t stop sobbing, my chest heaving as I curled around Steve’s shoulders. Steve’s lean, muscular arms wrapped around me with a groan and held me until I calmed down a bit. Then I’d helped him off the floor, biting my lip from the pain of moving and led him to the bathroom to carefully wash the blood off his face. He sat on the edge of the tub, hissing and wincing while I tried to clean him up but saying nothing.

When I cleaned all the blood off him that I could I turned to the sink to wash out the cloth, eyeing Steve in the mirror.

“I think you should go,” he’d finally ground out.

“Steve, you might need a hospital. Your nose..”

He didn’t look up from the floor, just clenched his fists against his legs, “just. Go home, Cat. Please.”

Steve hadn’t moved while I packed up my stuff, grabbed Rocky and left. He just sat silently in the bathroom. I’d been alone all week after that, Billy and Steve both avoiding me, unwilling to talk about what happened.

I just wanted to feel something, anything, or maybe it was that I wanted to stop feeling.

That’s how I ended up laying on my bathroom floor, head lolling on the side of the tub, blood oozing across the floor from my arms. I’m so cold, I can’t stop shivering even with a belly full of burning alcohol. It burned like fire in my gut but my body is so fucking cold. I can hear Steve calling me, but it’s like I’m underwater, his panicked voice muffled as he searched for me.

He burst into the bathroom, “oh fuck! Cat! Fuck, fuck, fuck!” He panicked, stumbling across the floor to grab at my bleeding arms.

His hands flew to my face, shakily smearing blood across my cheek, “look at me, can you hear me? I got you, it’s okay.”

Steve grabbed my shoulders and pulled me up to lean against the side of the tub and grabbed towels from the cupboard to wrap around my arms. I couldn’t focus on anything but the growing red spots on Steve’s knees.

“Oh god, come on, Cat. Look at me, please. You’re okay, I got you, I’m here.”

I tried to look at him but I was so tired and it was hard to see past the tears in my eyes.

“Stevie,” I cried, words slurring, “I’m sorry. I swear, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t. Don’t be sorry,” he grit his teeth, his jaw clenching as he looked at me. “I’m sorry, I was so fucking mad and hurt and…I shouldn’t…” hot tears poured down his cheeks, “you probably need stitches.”

“No, Stevie, please,” I pleaded, "please. You can't."

Steve sighed and turned to grab the first aid kit from under the sink, clenching his jaw tight. He knew I would try to fight him if he were to take me anywhere. Quickly, he placed a bunch of my thick white bandages over my arms and wrapped them tightly, cursing under his breath the whole time. After finishing the bandages, Steve turned and grabbed a cloth to wipe the blood off of us while I sat still, quiet tears rolling down my cheeks.

“Jesus, you’re so damn cold,” he hissed, hand on my clammy skin.

Steve scooped me up effortlessly and walked to my room, setting me on my bed before rummaging through my clothes to find a hoodie and sweatpants. Gingerly, he helped me pull off my bloody clothes and took the opportunity to look at the bruise on my back, gritting his teeth as he ran his thumb over the purple spreading across my ribs.

“That fucker..”

“Steve,” I whispered, “it was an accident.”

He pressed lightly around the edges of the bruise, making me hiss and flinch away from his touch, “is anything broken?”

I shook my head, “don’t know.”

He huffed and helped dress me in the clothes he’d grabbed and put me in bed, covering me with the thick comforter.

“I’ll be right back, don’t move.”

I could hear him go to the bathroom, could hear him choking on tears while cleaning up the blood. Heard towels and clothes being thrown into the washing machine, the lid slamming shut. I could hear his muffled crying and I wanted to go to him but I was so tired and I just couldn’t bring myself to leave the warmth of my bed. Heard as Steve walked around the house before returning in his boxers with a glass of juice, helping me sit against my headboard before handing it to me.

“Here. The sugar will help. You’re probably going to feel like shit for a couple days though.”

His glassy, bruised eyes burned into me as he watched me drink the whole glass. The dark purple splotches that spread from his nose around his eyes that Billy had put there accentuated how tired he looked, like he hadn’t slept in days.

“You’ve lost control,” he sat next to me on the bed, deflating.

“Stevie-”

“No. Cat, I can’t, I can’t fucking do this anymore. What will I do if you kill yourself? I don’t want to go to my best friend’s fucking funeral. And what do you think he’ll do if you die?”

Billy.

My chest felt empty, raw like my heart had been ripped out, I’d felt that way for days. Like I was just an empty shell walking around. But I could feel the guilt stab through me like a hot knife, my chin wavering as a new wave of tears streamed down my face.

“He’ll be totally heartbroken, Cat. I’ll be fucking heartbroken. And if you, if you died his whole world would be inside out, he’ll never be the same. And what about me? If I knew the whole time. If I knew and didn’t say anything and then you died, that’ll kill me. I can’t do this for you anymore. I care about you too much to do this again.”

I wrapped into myself, sobbing with guilt. I knew Steve was right, but I also couldn’t bring myself to accept everything enough to say it out loud.

“He needs to know. Not optional. No more secrets, you can’t keep him in the dark anymore. You need help. I can’t help you by myself, you don’t need to keep everything to yourself.”

Steve wrapped himself around me, pulling the comforter around us and rubbing my arms to try to warm me up. His chin tucked into my shoulder, tears falling into my hair.

“Cat, you need to promise me that you’ll try to get better, that you’ll talk about things. I can’t,” his voice hitched, “I can’t lose you.”

I swallowed thickly, my throat constricting, “I-I’ll try, Stevie.”

–

When I woke up, Steve was gone, replaced by Rocky in the bed. He had left a note on my dresser.

“Tell him. Now. Don’t call me until you have.”


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Billy's POV after the fight

Billy’s POV

I had found Cat at Steve Harrington’s house and couldn’t stop myself from putting my fist through his face and, accidentally into her. I’d felt like absolute garbage after I heard her scream, felt her small bones under my knuckles. I’d driven myself out to our spot in the forest and smoked and sobbed and shouted myself hoarse, trying to drown out the echo of her scream. When I returned home, Max had come and sat beside me in my room and waited for me to start talking.

“I found her,” I muttered, voice hoarse and scratchy.

“I thought you’d be happier about that.”

I huffed, “she was at Harrington’s, Max. Tommy called last night cause she needed a ride home and I couldn’t, couldn’t fucking go get her and she went home with fucking Harrington!”

Max winced when my voice raised, “but you guys love each other.”

“Not anymore,” I grumbled, “there’s no coming back from what I did.”

Max looked at me and followed my eyes to my bruised knuckles, “Billy…what did you do?”

–

Tuesday- The seventh week of school

It’s been a week since I found Cat in Steve’s house, wearing his clothes. A week since I lost control and I could still hear Cat screaming when things got too quiet. Every day that I saw her I wanted so badly to scoop her up into my arms and carry her away to shower her in apologies and beg, beg on my fucking knees if I had to, for her to forgive me. But I was a fucking chicken and I couldn’t bring myself to even look at her without feeling my heart break a little bit more. I needed her to forgive me but I couldn’t stop thinking of the bruise on Steve’s neck and I wasn’t sure if I needed her forgiveness or her apology more.

“Billy!” Max called, “phone!”

I rolled off my bed with a groan, stomach twisting with the hope that it would be Cat on the phone.

“Hello?”

“Hargrove? Listen-”

“Fuck off, Harrington,” I growled, slamming the phone back into the cradle.

I barely made it out of the living room before the phone was ringing again.

I spun on my heel and grabbed the phone, “what?”

“Billy, you gotta-”

I hung up on Steve again and looked at Max, lounging on the couch, “Hargrove calls again, tell him to fuck off. I’m not answering.”

Max nodded as I left the room and I heard her answer the phone as I flopped onto my bed again.

Not fifteen minutes later, I heard a car pull into the driveway, skidding to a quick stop. But Neil and Susan weren’t supposed to be home for a few hours at least. Max answered the door and cautiously walked into my room, hands twisting in front of her.

“Maxine,” I grumbled, “what do you want?”

She breathed out before answering, “I told him you didn’t want to talk, Billy. Just like you asked but..well..he’s at the door.”

I arched an eyebrow at her, “who are you talking about?”

“Steve. Steve’s here, Billy. Says he needs to talk to you, it’s important.”

I huffed, rolling my eyes, “tell him to fuck off.”

She stepped closer to me, frowning, “Billy, maybe you should see what he wants. He’s not gunna leave.”

I groaned, rolling my eyes as I stood up and stormed to the front door, squaring my shoulders and clenching my jaw when I saw Steve in the door frame.

“The fuck you doing here, Harrington? I didn’t fuck up your face good enough the first time?”

Steve looked at me with a huff, the bruises on his face a stark contrast against his skin, “shut up, listen. Have you heard from Cat?”

“What? She get bored of you already?”

Steve bristled, his jaw ticking, “Billy. Just, it’s important. Have you talked to her? Or seen her since yesterday?”

My eyebrows knit together, “no, Steve, I haven’t talked to her since your house.”

“Fuck!” Steve growled, turning to stalk back to his car.

I followed him down the front steps, confused, “Harrington, stop. What’s going on?”

He spun around and instantly I could see just how stressed he was, how the darkness under his eyes was from more than just the bruises.

“She’s missing.”

“What are you talking about?” I huffed, crossing my arms across my chest, “she was at school.”

“Yeah, yesterday. She wasn’t there today, not at home either.”

“Probably skipped today, maybe she went around town. Doesn’t mean she’s missing.”

Steve shook his head, taking a few steps back towards me, “that’s what I hoped at first but no, you don’t understand-”

“Gettin' real fucking sick of hearing I don’t understand, Steve,” I growled, “just fucking tell me what’s going on.”

Steve pinched the bridge of his nose, groaning to himself, “she, I….fuck, I’m worried she hurt herself.”

“What do you mean? Hurt herself, how?”

Steve puffed out his cheeks with a long exhale, “Hargrove, it’s not-”

I stepped up to Steve, muscles tensing under my skin, “quit fucking around, Steve. What the fuck are you talking about?”

“She hurt herself, bad, real fucking bad, man. On Saturday…and I, I had to, to save her,” Steve was tripping over his words, his whole body shaking as tears formed in his eyes, “she was bleeding and, and it was on me, and I can’t stop th-thinking about if I hadn’t…if I hadn’t fucking kicked her out cause I was mad at you!” Steve spat, jabbing me in the chest.

I stepped back, unable to get a word in, and not really wanting to add fuel to the break down he was having in my driveway.

“She fucking tried to kill herself because of you! And I saved her life, again! I fucking saved her and what the fuck have you done? You fucking punched her!”

My jaw ticked, fingers starting to get that familiar itching, “only cause she got in the way! She shouldn’t have been there in the first place!”

He glared at me while the full weight of what he said registered in my brain, “wait, she…she tried to kill herself?”

A few tears started to pour down Steve’s face and he angrily wiped them away, “twice. Well she said the first time was an accident but…Billy, I cleaned up her blood. Made her puke up pills. I told her I couldn’t do that again, it was just too much, and now I can’t find her, I was being a selfish asshole and what if she..?”

Steve’s words felt like knives in my chest, twisting my guts up tight, “twice? Why didn’t she…why didn’t she come to me?”

He took a steadying breath, “the night she left you was the first time. Then this Saturday.”

I looked around, wiping my hand on my face, “Harrington, let’s talk about it inside.”

Steve shook his head, “no, no, I can’t.. I-I gotta, I need to find her.”

“Well then get in my car, you’re not gunna find her if you’re too busy fucking crying.”

Steve wiped his eyes before he walked over to the Camaro, collapsing in the front seat with a small sob. I got in after him, my heart trying to pound it’s way out of my chest and swallowed the knot forming in my throat. I couldn’t stop thinking of all the times I had crawled through her window, when she had held me in shaking arms and comforted me when I was bruised and beaten down. Why hadn’t she told me something was wrong?

“Where all have you looked?” I asked, backing out of the driveway.

“Her house and my house, I was hoping she came here,” he muttered, more tears rolling down his panicked face.

“Okay, well we’ll check again. Maybe she went out for something.”

“Yeah,” he mumbled, “okay, yeah, maybe.”

“And for christ’s sake, Harrington, quit fucking crying in my car.”

When we couldn’t find Cat at Steve’s or her house, Steve was ready to explode. He was about to lose his damn mind and honestly, the only thing keeping me in check was the fact that I wasn’t about to break down in front of Steve. But my mind was starting to wander with all the possibilities now too.

“Where else, Steve?”

He just shook his head, “only other place I thought of was your house. What if…what if she’s-”

“Don’t. Don’t you fucking dare say it Harrington,” I growled.

He looked at me, his face taken over by big glassy eyes, “what if she’s gone?”

I bit the inside of my cheek, knuckles tightening on the steering wheel until they turned white as I drove us back to my place, not acknowledging what he said.

When we got there I jogged up to the door, yelling as soon as it opened, “Max!”

She came running out of her room, “yeah? What’s going on?”

“Has Cat been here?” I asked, trying to push down my panic even further, grind it into the floor.

She looked confused, “no, why?” Max looked past me at Steve’s puffy face, “why does he look so much worse than earlier? Did you guys fight again?”

I groaned, “he’s been crying all over my car. We can’t find Cat, we’re just worried about her. She might be hurt, are you sure she hasn’t come by or tried to call?”

Max shook her head, “no, sorry, Billy. I haven’t seen her.”

Steve cursed behind me as I put a hand on her shoulder, gave it a little squeeze before ushering Steve into the kitchen, out of the doorway before he made another scene.

Steve was tense, his whole body shaking like he was feeling that itch to put his fist through something. I squared my shoulders, bracing myself for an outburst, a flurry of fists.

“Steve, listen-”

“No! You listen, asshole! She’s out there somewhere and I, we failed her. We left her alone and now, now we might not see her again! And you,” he jabbed a finger at my chest, “the last thing you did was call her a whore and maybe broke her ribs! And you don’t even care!”

His words hurt more than punches, my heart crushing more and more as he talked.

I turned my head away from him, my jaw clenching and growled, “I care.”

Steve scoffed, “yeah, sure.”

I turned back to him, surged forward to grab his collar and crowded him against the counter, “you really believe I kicked your ass cause I don’t care about her? I fucking love her and I haven’t been able to look at her since last Saturday cause I’m so fucking pissed at myself! And her! If you weren’t running around with her behind my back, this wouldn’t have happened!”

Steve leaned away from me, as much as he could with the counter right behind him, “I didn’t, that’s not what happened.”

“Then enlighten me, Harrington, cause I still don’t see why you were the one she went to instead of me.”

Steve sighed and looked down towards the floor, “I don’t know why she didn’t talk to you, Billy. I told her to all the time, but she didn’t tell me either, I found out on accident after that first party when girls were getting drugged and she just trusted me after.”

I backed up, looking at him confused, “she mentioned that party a few times, but she told me it just freaked her out. There was a girl brought into the hospital.”

He shook his head and looked back up at me, “there was more than one.”

“More than one…?”


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Billy's POV finding and confronting Cat

Billy’s POV

“More than one?”

Steve shook his head, “I shouldn’t have said that. I need to leave.”

I groaned and stepped away from him, completely deflated now, “Harrington-.”

“I should go, keep looking for her,” he mumbled.

I looked outside and noticed the sun starting to set and realized Neil and Susan would be home soon, “go home, Steve. Keep trying to call her place, maybe drop in and see if she came home later, bring Rocky home with you. Call me if you find her.”

“But,” he protested, “we can’t leave her out there at night.”

My emotions were just barely held back and I could tell my resolve was starting to crack when my voice hitched, “Steve. We won’t find her in the dark, just keep me updated. If we don’t hear anything by the morning we’ll go to the cops, okay?”

“Yeah,” he nodded, following me back towards the door, “yeah, okay.”

“Steve?”

Steve froze, fingers curling around the door handle, “yeah?”

“This is all my fault isn’t it? Do you think she hates me?”

He turned to look at me and sighed, “no. She doesn’t hate you.”

I watched Steve leave and returned to my room, turning up my music to a deafening level to try to drown out my thoughts. It didn’t work, I just kept thinking of Cat bleeding out at home and being rescued by Steve, swallowing pills and Steve forcing her to puke, how horrible I was the last time I saw her. How Steve was always her savior and all I did was hurt her.

More than one?

I could feel her bones under my knuckles and hear her screaming in my ears. What if she doesn’t come home? What if she’s already gone? Cold and blue and floating in cold water or bloody and broken after a hard fall or hanging and swaying in the wind or-

“Billy?”

I looked up to see Max in the doorway and motioned for her to come in. She turned down my stereo a bit while crossing the room and sat next to me, wrapping a small arm through mine.

“She’ll come back, right? Do you think maybe she left town?”

I shook my head, tears welling up in my eyes, “I don’t know, Maxine.”

“I heard you guys, in the kitchen,” she mumbled, “talking about drugs. Is Cat doing drugs? Is that why she’s been weird?”

I sighed, “no, I think someone drugged her. Maybe did something really bad. All cause I wasn’t fucking there to, to protect her.”

I couldn’t hold back the tears anymore, they just started pouring down my face.

Max leaned into my shoulder, her small hands clutching at my arm, “but we can help her, right?”

“If we find her, maybe.”

A couple hours later, after hearing nothing from Steve, after Neil forced me to sit at the table for dinner even though I was barely functioning, I had a thought that sprung up with Max’s words.

Do you think she left town?

It was a desperate last hope but maybe, just maybe she had gone out to our little spot in the forest. Just outside of town but far enough to leave it all behind and be by yourself. The place we always went to to relax, breathe in the crisp air, to scream out our frustrations.

Maybe.

The drive out to the forest stretched out like an eternity, my anxiety rising with every minute that passed. What if she wasn’t out here and she really was gone? Gone forever. Or worse, what if she was out here dead? Cold and lifeless with nobody around for miles. My foot pressed harder on the gas, the needle of my speedometer ticking upwards as I raced through the trees. I pulled into the clearing with my heart in my throat and stepped out into the moonlight.

“Cat? Are you out here?”

Silence.

My heart hammered in my chest and my voice cracked when I spoke again, “Cat? Baby?”

I finally heard grass rustling before her small voice came out of the darkness, “B?”

I nearly collapsed to my knees right there, “oh thank god, where are you?”

I heard some more rustling and then saw Cat walking towards me. Tears spilled down my cheeks as I ran towards her and gathered her into my arms. She was here, alive and breathing against my chest. I made it, I found her.

“I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry,” I cried into her hair, “can you forgive me?”

Her hands twisted in the front of my jacket as she sobbed into my chest, her whole body shaking against mine.

“Why, why are you out here?” She sniffed.

“Lookin' for you, Baby. Steve showed up at my place out of his mind cause he hadn’t seen you all day.”

She whimpered, “Steve’s mad at me, you guys hate me.”

I shook my head, grabbed the sides of her face in my hands to force her to look at me, “I was pissed, yeah. But I fucking love you, okay? I’m not gunna leave you, ever. Unless you really don’t want me, but I’ll still love you.”

Her eyes were ringed with dark purple, like they were sinking into her face. I could see that the angles of her face had only gotten sharper and it hit me that Cat looked sick, very sick.

“Cat, we should talk, shouldn’t we?”

She nodded and shivered against me.

I grabbed her icy hands and shivered, “you’re fucking freezing, come on. Let’s sit in the car, crank the heat up.”

I led her to the car and gently ushered her into the back seat, sliding in after her and closing the door behind me. I reached over the front seats to start the car, cranked the heat up as high as it could go and slid my jacket off, wrapping it around her shoulders.

“How long have you been out here?” I asked, wrapping her hands in mine.

She shrugged, “came out here early this morning, just wanted to get away.”

“It’s pretty late, why are you still out here?”

She shrugged again, looked down at her knees.

“Were you planning on going home?”

Cat chewed at her lip but didn’t say anything.

“Cat, Steve..he told me some things. Said he was scared you’d hurt yourself again. What does that mean?”

She let out a long sigh, pulled her hands from mine and slowly slid up the sleeves of her jacket, exposing the white bandages wrapped around her arms. I watched her start to unwind them and sucked my breath in when I saw the dark red scabs running down her arms. The skin around the scabs was purple and red, the bruising stretched across her pale skin and showed all the old white scars in her arm. I reached out and lightly ran my thumb across it, feeling the harsh dried blood next to her soft skin.

“What the fuck..why didn’t you call me?”

She shrugged, her lip tucked in between her teeth and tears threatening to fall from her tired eyes.

“Cat, that’s not gunna work anymore. Talk to me, please.”

She let go of her lip and let out a wavering breath, “I didn’t want to dump my shit on you. You have enough going on without my problems.”

Anger spiked up my spine, “you idiot. I’m your fucking boyfriend! You’re supposed to tell me things, not run to Steve when you want to fucking kill yourself!”

Cat flinched, making me once again feel like the biggest piece of shit when she pulled out of my hands.

I pulled my hands back into my lap and leaned back against the seat with a huff, “you’ve been doing that for a while? Is that the real reason you didn’t want to have sex?”

She sniffed, wrapped her arms around herself, “the first reason.”

My eyebrow raised, “what else?”

I thought I knew the answer, but I needed her to tell me, to trust me.

“B…” she breathed, “please, don’t.”

“Fine,” I growled, “something easier first. But you’re gunna tell me. When’s the last time you ate?”

“I’ve got it under control, B,” she tried.

“No. You don’t. Whatever you’re doing is out of control, obviously. You look like a corpse and Steve showed up at my house having a breakdown cause he thought you had run off to kill yourself. Steve fucking Harrington! Knows more about my girlfriend than I do! Do you love him?”

She looked up at me, shocked and hurt, “no! Not like that, he’s my best friend.”

It’s time, “did you fuck him?”

She looked down and I couldn’t help the whine that escaped my throat, “seriously? You wouldn’t have sex with me but you’ll cheat on me with Steve?”

“I didn’t cheat on you, it was after I left you and I didn’t plan on it! I just..I just wanted to feel normal and we were drunk and I’m sorry!” She cried.

“I thought we were just taking a break, that I did something wrong!”

She sniffed, “I’m sorry. I really am. I wish I could have been with you but I just…wasn’t ready. Please, B. Don’t be mad.”

My jaw clenched, “do you love me?”

“Of course I do!” She leaned forward to grab my arms, her cold fingers digging into my bare biceps, “you have to believe me.”

“Then you need to get better, Cat,” I murmured, “if we’re going to be together you need to get better. You need to tell me everything so I can help you.”

She slid forward into my chest and I clutched her to me while she sobbed. Her legs wound around my sides so she was as close to me as she could get without burrowing into my ribs, which I would gladly let her if it would make everything better. Would let her slice me open, flay my ribs wide to tuck herself inside them so I could keep her safe, loved, alive. I rubbed my hand up and down her back slowly, shushing her until I hit the tender spot where I had punched her. She whimpered, hands twisting tighter in my shirt and I wanted to sink right into the ground.

“Let me see,” I whispered.

Cat nuzzled into my chest, “it’s okay, I’m fine.”

I rolled my eyes and slid my hand under the bottom of her jacket and pulled it up her back, twisting to look at the purple bruise on her ribs. I ran my fingers along the bruise, just barely touching her and noticed the way her bones stuck out from her skin, how they made her look so fragile like she might crumble into nothing.

“Does it hurt to breathe or to move?” I asked, unable to take my eyes off her back.

I’ve had my fair share of cracked ribs, knew how badly they could hurt. Wish I had some right now, to take away from the storm of emotions in my head.

“Sometimes,” she whispered.

I groaned and dropped my head to her shoulder, “I’m so fucking sorry, I didn’t mean to. You know that, right? That I wouldn’t do that on purpose?”

“I know, B. It was an accident,” Cat soothed.

“I’m not, I’m not like him, Cat. I’m not, I promise. I’m so sorry,” I cried into her shoulder.

We clutched at each other in the back of the Camaro, soaking in each other’s tears as the night ticked on.

“Billy?” Cat breathed, her voice small and shaky.

“Hmm?”

“Remember that party? That I said a girl got drugged?”

“Yeah, Baby. I remember.”

I knew what was coming but it still didn’t prepare me for the words coming out of her mouth.

“There was more than one girl,” she whispered, “I…one of them…was me.”

Cat crumpled against me, letting out gut wrenching sobs. I wrapped myself around her as tight as I could, feeling like my heart had died in my chest, shattered into a million tiny needles that spread through my chest.

I rocked her gently, shushing her and hoping with every ounce of my being that I could hold her together.

“Cat, Baby, you’re okay,” I soothed, “I’ve got you, I’ll protect you.”

She sniffed and eventually began to calm down, her breathing slowing down as she cried herself out. I kept rubbing her back and whispering in her ear that she was safe and that I love her. Eventually I noticed her hands loosen on my shirt and I could hear her soft, even breathing and I pulled my head back to look at her face. Cat was peacefully sleeping against my chest, her lips just barely parted to breathe. I wanted to have a complete meltdown like Steve had, maybe drink myself into a coma. She’d been suffering for so long and I didn’t even realize, I’d been so wrapped up in myself that the girl I loved was crumbling in front of me and I didn’t see how bad it really was. I thought back to every time I had seen Cat, how she never went anywhere without big, baggy shirts covering her. How she was always freezing even in the Indiana sun. I thought of the first time I brought her out here and how she froze, went down on me and didn’t want anything in return, how she’d basically ran out of my car when I brought her home. She’d been hiding herself from me since the beginning. I thought about that stupid fucking party, how I got distracted closing the pool and took too long to get there and red hot anger spiked through me again.

Gently, I laid Cat down across the seat and covered her with my jacket, waiting to make sure she didn’t wake up before getting out of the car. I leaned against the car for a while, hands shaking while I puffed on a cigarette.

I ground the heel of my hand into my eye when I started tearing up again, “fucking hell.”

With a growl, I slid into the front seat and slowly began the drive back into town. While driving, I kept looking back at Cat’s sleeping form in the backseat. She had curled up under my jacket which should have looked sweet but I was straining my ears to hear her breathe, just to make sure she was still alive.

I pulled over in front of my house and turned around to look at Cat once more.

“Hey,” I whispered, “you awake?”

I smiled tightly when she nuzzled into my jacket and got out of the car as quietly as I could before running up to the only window that had a soft glow coming through it. Max was up reading comics again. I tapped lightly on the window and waited a moment for Max to appear.

She slid the window open and whispered, “Billy? What are you doing?”

“Max, I found her. I found Cat.”

She gasped and looked around me, “is she okay? Where is she?”

“She’s..she’s doing okay, I think. She’s sleeping in the car. I’m gunna take her to Steve’s, okay? I’ll pick you up for school though.”

She smiled at me, “okay, Billy. Tell Cat I miss her.”


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Billy's POV trying to help Cat

Billy’s POV

I pulled up to Steve’s house a while later and was surprised to see his car in the driveway. I figured he would have gone driving around town some more even after me telling him to stay home. I scooped Cat into my arms and walked up the driveway, shifting to hold her with one arm so I could ring the doorbell. Behind the door, I could hear someone running before the door flew open, a frazzled Steve holding back Rocky on the other side.

He saw Cat in my arm, pale, eyes sunken and his knees buckled, “is she..?”

“She’s sleeping, Harrington. Calm down.”

Steve breathed out loudly and backed out of the way of the door with shaky knees, “come on, bring her inside.”

Neither of us talked while I followed him through his house to his room. Steve pulled the blankets down so I could lay Cat underneath them.

“I’ll go get more,” he whispered, quickly walking away.

I knelt beside the bed, gently stroking her face with my fingers and listening to her faint breathing. As I looked at her face, I understood why Steve thought I was carrying her body. Everything about her seemed so sunken, frail, lifeless. I eased the sleeves of her jacket up to look at the marks on her arms and felt my stomach turn to lead, threatening to drag me down through the floor. Tears collected in the corners of my eyes again as I ran a thumb over the rough scab. Steve cleared his throat when he came back, making me look away to wipe at my eyes before meeting his gaze.

“I know, they’re pretty bad,” he murmured, layering more blankets over Cat.

I leaned forward and kissed her forehead before standing up to leave the room with Steve, Rocky trailing behind us.

“What was it like?” I asked as we walked towards the kitchen, “finding her.”

Steve turned to look at me with a huff, “horrible. The first time she called me she was off her face drunk and just, the way she talked sounded so, wrong, you know? I drove over as soon as I heard the message and found her passed out, just totally out of it. There was a bottle of pills empty on the counter. I dragged her into the tub and forced her to puke until she woke up.”

I looked in Steve’s fridge and pulled out a couple beers, handing one to Steve before leaning against the counter.

“Last time?” I questioned, popping the beer open and taking a swig.

Steve took a long gulp of the beer before looking back at me, “after you showed up here and kicked my ass I told Cat to go home, I was just so fucking pissed off and I thought it would be better if she left. Give us all time to cool down, you know? But I didn’t know what to say to her, after everything, so I just didn’t, I didn’t talk to her at all. I was fucking stupid. She called me Saturday and left a message, begging for my help, thought I was mad at her. When I got to her place it was weirdly quiet, like nothing seemed real when I walked inside.”

Steve took a deep breath and downed the rest of his beer, pulling another from the fridge and opening it before continuing, “she slit her wrists in the bathroom. There was blood all over the floor, it looked like a fucking murder scene from TV. She was still awake so I wrapped her up to stop the bleeding and put her to bed, then cleaned everything up. Told her I couldn’t do that again, couldn’t hold on to everything by myself and that she needed to quit hiding everything. I tried giving her a fucking ultimatum, man, figured if I told her I wouldn’t be around while she killed herself maybe she’d want to get better,” he wiped at his dewy eyes with the heel of his hand, “nothing was enough, obviously. She doesn’t want to get better, Billy.”

I swallowed my beer with a gulp, my throat closing around a knot, “she thought we hated her when I found her… And you guys slept together?”

Steve nodded slowly, “yeah, the night before you showed up here. I picked her up from that party and brought her back here, she’d been staying here since the pills. She was drunk, thought maybe it would help her get past things. With her here, I started drinking whenever it got to be too much, and I drank a lot that night. I’d been drinking before Tommy’s call and then downed a couple after bringing her back here, it was just so much shit, you know? And then she asked me if we could…and I just, I wanted to help. I thought if it was a good thing for her then maybe that would help. It didn’t mean anything though.”

I nodded, my jaw ticking, “was it good?”

Steve snorted, “I mean, it was okay, she cried the whole time. Had a panic attack after, I don’t know if she’d consider it good.”

I hummed, taking a long pull of my beer before pulling a pack of cigarettes out of my pocket, “you mind?”

Steve shook his head and waved a hand at me, “go ahead.”

I tapped one out of the pack and held it between my lips to light it, pulling a hard drag off it before muttering, “tell me about the party. Why she ended up with you. Why she trusts you more than me.”

Steve sighed, “I overheard those losers from out of town talking about leaving a girl upstairs passed out. It creeped me out so I went to check it out, see if I could help them get home, found her in one of the rooms. She was dead to the world, wouldn’t wake up. I straightened up her clothes and brought her here to sleep it off, I thought she drank too much and maybe they backed off when she passed out but when she woke up in the morning she couldn’t remember much of what happened. They drugged her, slipped something in her drink. Anyway, I had seen some of the scars on her chest at the party and then when I brought her here I took her jeans off, cause sleeping in jeans sucks you know? I thought I was helping but she’s got them on her legs too and I saw how skinny she was too. Brought it up in the morning and she yelled at me that she was fine and told me not to say anything about it. So I didn’t, I just tried to be there for her, asking if she was okay, just checking in type stuff. Then the day Nancy and I broke up I went over to check in, I was just wanting to talk about what happened with Nancy and I found her bleeding in the shower. Billy, she was pregnant, between the drinking and not eating she made herself miscarry. That’s when we realized what actually happened at the party. From then I was her go to for everything cause I knew already, I guess that was easier for her than saying it all out loud.”

Steve shrugged and smiled dryly as I clenched my jaw, vibrating with anger. I couldn’t stop the hot tears that started rolling down my cheeks until I wiped them away with the back of my hand.

She was pregnant?

“So she doesn’t eat? Like at all? Is that why she looks like a skeleton now?”

Steve shook his head, his mouth tightening, “I tried when she was staying here, couldn’t get her to have much of anything. She was running all the time too.”

“Fuck,” I growled, “I..Jesus fucking christ. Why her?”

Steve’s mouth tightened into a thin line, “don’t know man. Don’t know why they picked her, maybe they didn’t, she just was nice enough to accept a drink.”

I shook my head, “but she’s been fucked up since before that, how does someone get that fucked up? And she’s, she’s so fucking nice! How is she still so nice?”

Steve shrugged again, “I’m not sure.. I know I wouldn’t be,” there was a pause before, “hey, Billy?”

“Hmm?”

Steve looked down at the floor quickly before looking back up at me, “where did you find her? Why’d you come here?”

I exhaled a plume of smoke, “out in the forest. We always went out there to get away from things, took me a while to think about it. Can’t bring her to my place and I thought you’d be helpful.”

–

I spent the night talking with Harrington, both of us drowning our feelings in beer until we passed out on the couches in the living room. I woke up with a start when Steve’s phone started ringing loudly and watched him jump up to grab it, still half asleep.

“Ello?” He grumbled.

He blinked hard a few times, trying to clear the fog in his brain before holding the phone out towards me.

“S for you.”

I rolled off the couch with a groan and walked up to grab the phone from Steve’s hand, raising it to my ear with a mumbled, “what?”

Max’s loud voice rang through my ears, “it’s almost time to go to school, are you coming?”

“Fuck! Yeah, Max, I’ll be right there.”

I scrambled to hang up the phone and rushed around Steve’s house for my jacket and boots, stopping just before opening the door to look at him, “Harrington.”

He looked at me with a raised eyebrow and scratched sleepily at his chest, “hmm?”

“If she wakes up, tell her I was here. I’ll be right back.”

Steve nodded and nestled back into the couch, eyelids already growing heavy, “yeah, sure.”

–

Max was impatiently waiting at the end of the driveway, tapping her hand against her skateboard when I skid to a stop in front of her.

“Sorry!” I exclaimed as she pulled the door open and sat down with a huff, “slept in.”

Max just stared at me, “where’s Cat? You said she was okay.”

I sighed as I drove away from the house, “she’s still sleeping, I think. Steve’s watching her.”

“What’s wrong with her?”

“Max, I don’t think-”

She turned to glare at me, “tell me what’s wrong with her. I want to know. She’s my friend too.”

I huffed, too tired to argue with her, “it can’t go past you, Max. I’m serious. Don’t even tell Cat you know, okay?”

I waited for her to nod before continuing to talk, “Cat was drugged, at a party and..and some disgusting fucker had sex with her while she was out cold. She’s been hurting herself since before she moved here but it got worse after that. She hasn’t been eating and she’s been drinking all the time and… and, well, just hurting herself. And you might see how she hurt herself but you can’t say anything about it, okay?”

Max blinked, shocked, “why would someone do that?”

“Because they’re fucking sick,” I growled.

I was just pulling up to the school when Max asked, “how bad did she hurt herself?”

I had to bite my cheek to stop the tears that sprang forward, “pretty bad, Max. But she’s still here.”

Still alive.

“Can I come visit her?” She looked up at me, hopeful as I stopped in front of the school.

I smiled tightly, “I think she’d like that, Max. I’ll pick you up, okay? If she’s awake you can visit her.”

“Yeah, okay,” she agreed, “see you after school, Billy.”

–

I got back to Steve’s and passed back out on the couch, trying to sleep off the worst of my hangover. It was around noon when I woke up again to see Steve coming back into the living room with a plate of pancakes.

“Any more of those?” I mumbled, sitting up from the couch.

Steve nodded, his mouth full and mumbled, “kitchen.”

I got up to get myself a stack of pancakes and came back to flop down on the couch.

“You been up for a while? Where’s the dog?” I asked between bites.

“A little bit,” he mumbled, finishing off his breakfast, “Rocky’s out in the yard. Figured he’d been stuck inside long enough.”

“Has she woken up yet?”

Steve shook his head, frowning, “I haven’t heard or seen her.”

“Should we check on her?”

“I popped in when I woke up, to make sure she was still there. Could probably check on her again now,” he picked nervously at his fingers, “I’m worried about her.”

He paused for a minute, taking a deep breath, “what if she still doesn’t want to get better, Billy? We can’t force her to live if she doesn’t want to.”

I sighed, standing up off the couch, “I don’t know, Steve.”

Quietly, I walked into Steve’s bedroom to check on Cat. She was curled up on the side of the bed, one arm outstretched and hanging off the side, the other wrapped around a pillow. I knelt down beside the bed and gently ran a knuckle down the side of her face. The dark purple around her eyes had faded a bit, making her face look a little less sunken.

I leaned up to kiss her forehead and whispered, “hey, Baby, you gotta wake up for me, okay?”

I heard her stir as I kept talking through the lump in my throat, “you gotta wake up so I can help you, Baby. Max misses you, you gotta wake up and get better for us.”

“B..?” She rasped, eyes fluttering open.

I sat back on my heels to look at her face, a watery smile on my face, “morning, Baby.”

She smiled back at me and looked around sleepily, “why..?”

“I brought you to Steve’s place last night. Do you remember last night?”

“Yeah,” she mumbled, nestling back into the pillows, “I remember.”

“You wanna get up? Have a shower? It’ll be nice and warm,” I coaxed.

“M sleepy,” she murmured.

“I know, Baby,” I tried to keep coaxing her, keep my voice light and my emotions in check even as my throat tightened, “I know you’re tired, but if we get you cleaned up and you eat something then you can go back to sleep, okay?”

She hummed, eyes closing again, “mmkay.”

I smirked and scooped her up in my arms to carry her to the bathroom, her fingers clutching at my shirt, dipping under it to seek out the warmth of my chest.

I hissed when her icy fingers touched me, “you’re fucking freezing.”

Cat nuzzled into my shoulder, humming happily when her nose touched my throat.

“Are you gunna let me put you down so you can shower?”

She shook her head, “nope, warm.”

I groaned, adjusting her in my arms before walking to the living room where Steve was watching TV.

“Harrington,” I grumbled, “help.”

He looked towards us, eyebrows knit with confusion, “what?”

“Either hold her or start the shower.”

He smirked and jumped off the couch to take her from me, shivering when she touched his skin.

“Stevie,” she mumbled, leaning into his neck.

“Jesus,” he groaned, “like a person sized popsicle.”

I chuckled, leading the way back to the bathroom and turned on the shower as hot as was tolerable.

“Thanks, Steve,” I said, turning back to take Cat from his arms.

He nodded, “I’ll get some water boiling for drinks and find some clothes for you both.”

Steve left after giving a tight smile. Left me holding a shell of the girl that I had fallen in love with. A stark contrast from the bright, sarcastic girl that caught my eye and my heart. I gently lowered her feet to the ground, keeping an arm around her waist to steady her.

“C'mon,” I muttered, “let’s get you cleaned up.”

Cat nodded as I slipped my hand under her jacket, sliding it down her arms to fall on the ground. Next was her baggy t shirt, which was a little more challenging to pull off while holding her up but it eventually joined her jacket on the ground. I sucked in my breath when I saw the harsh lines of her collarbone and hips and chewed the inside of my mouth.

“Cat..” I breathed, running my fingers along her ribs.

She tensed when I wrapped my hand around her side, just under the jut of her rib cage and looked up at me with dewy eyes.

“Hold onto me,” I sighed as I knelt down to take her pants off.

Cat’s fingers gripped my shoulder as I slid her pants and underwear off. When I looked back up at her, her eyes were screwed shut and she was biting her lip as tears spilled down her cheeks.

“Shit,” I whispered, standing back up to pull her into my chest, “Baby, it’s okay. Shh, I got you.”

“I’m sorry,” she cried, “it’s just..”

“I know, Cat. I know, it’s okay,” I murmured into her hair, “c'mon, in the shower now, before all the hot waters gone.”

She sniffed and nodded before letting me help her into the tub, sighing when the hot water hit her skin.

“Do you need me?” I asked.

There was a small, whimpering, “yes,” as my answer and I quickly tossed my clothes onto the floor to join her.

I took my time lathering her up from head to toe, gently rubbing her body and planting light kisses on her skin as she cried. I ran my fingers through her soapy hair, tipping her head back into the hot water and running my lips along her jaw.

The whole thing was so..

Intimate.

Close in a way I’ve never experienced before, in a way that hurt my heart and made it swell at the same time.

I kissed the salt water from her cheeks and held her tight to my chest until she stopped crying. When she was all clean and the hot water was running out I helped her step out of the tub and watched as she slowly wrapped herself in a towel before I quickly washed myself. I turned off the cool water and stepped out of the shower to grab a towel and wrapped it around my waist.

Outside the door was a small pile of clothes that Steve had brought us. Sweatpants and t shirts for each of us. I helped Cat get dressed first, methodically drying her before pulling the clothes onto her body. She was once again standing in front of me, swimming in Steve’s clothes and I couldn’t help the pang of hurt that went through my chest when I remembered finding her here, in his clothes before.

I quickly dressed myself and wrapped an arm around her, “want me to carry you again?”

Cat nodded, tucking her face into my chest. I bent down to scoop her up and started carrying her to the living room.

“Max misses you, she wants to come see you after school. What do you think?” I asked, trying to coax her into a lighter mood.

She hummed, “maybe. ’m tired.”

“I know, Baby. You can sleep a bit more in the living room, okay? Steve made pancakes, you want one?”

I gently set her down on the couch as she shook her head, “not hungry.”

Steve sighed and left the living room in a hurry, retreating to the kitchen with clenched fists.

I knelt down to grab her hands and looked up at her sadly, “Cat, please,” I tried to plead, to somehow get through to her, “please, for me. Just a little bit, okay? Then you can sleep a bit more.”

She didn’t answer, just looked down at our hands and chewed her lip.

My jaw ticked, “just. Fucking try,” I growled, pulling away from her to storm out into the backyard before I could start yelling at her.

Rocky greeted me at the door, pushing his head into my hand for attention. I walked past him and sat on the edge of the lawn, cradling my face in my hands. Tears poured down my face, hot and angry as my chest started heaving. I heard the door open and close a few minutes later and soft footsteps crunching up behind me.

Steve sat down beside me, legs crossed in front of him and held out my pack of cigarettes, “thought you might want these.”

I took them from him, tapped one out and stuck it between my teeth to light it.

“Thanks,” I mumbled.

I stared at the lawn as I smoked, focusing on the smoke filling my lungs and the burn it left behind.

“I don’t think I can do this,” I finally blurted out.

Steve didn’t look at me, just nodded solemnly, waiting for me to continue.

“I..I don’t..that’s not even her in there!” I pointed towards the house, anger lashing through me, “it’s like whatever made her Cat is gone. THAT is not Cat, THAT is not even a person anymore and I don’t..I don’t fucking know how to fix that! How to bring her back! I can’t sit there and pretend that that’s my girlfriend, this is worse than yesterday even! It’s like she fell asleep and fucking died but her body’s still walking around, Steve! What the fuck do we do about that? How..?” I crumpled finally, full on crying.

Steve leaned towards me, wrapped one arm around my back and let me cry on his shoulder. I could hear him sniffling too, could feel when he moved to wipe at his face.

“We have to try, Billy,” he murmured, “I don’t know how, I don’t know what will work but we have to try. Try to just put on a brave face and be as positive as we can, just try to build her back up. That’s all we can do.”

I huffed, sitting back up, “I don’t think I can, she deserves someone better than me. Someone less angry than me. Someone who doesn’t want to shake her and scream at her.”

A puff of air rushed out of Steve’s nose, like a partially formed laugh, “I wanna do that too. Scream in her face and see if I can pull her out of her head. You have no idea, man, how fucking angry I am. But we’re it for her, the only support she has. So we need to get a grip and get back inside and just love her and hopefully we get her back.”


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> switches from Billy's to Steve's POV helping Cat  
> also, Steve learns something about Billy

Billy’s POV

Steve and I eventually made our way back into the house to find Cat curled into the corner of the couch, a steaming mug between her hands. Her eyes looked red and glazed as she stared into the mug and I noticed the plate in front of her. Steve must have brought her a pancake before coming outside. I swallowed thickly when I got closer and noticed that some of it was gone.

I knelt in front of her, placed my hands on her knees and whispered, “thank you.”

Cat closed her eyes and leaned forward to press her forehead against mine.

“You okay? Wanna go back to sleep now?”

She hummed and nodded her head.

“Okay, Baby,” I soothed.

I gentled the cup from her hands and placed it on the table before laying across the couch and pulled her between my legs to rest her head on my chest. She settled into me, humming softly as I ran my hand lazily up and down her arm.

Steve settled into the chair, wiping his face with a sigh, “fucking tired.”

I nodded, idly drumming my fingers on Cat’s arm. Eventually the room was filled with their soft breathing as Cat and Steve fell asleep. My mind was racing though, and I couldn’t relax, I just wanted to leave, drive too fast and find something to put my fists through. My whole body thrummed with energy that I couldn’t shake. When I couldn’t stand it anymore I carefully slid Cat off me and left her sleeping on the couch to pace the kitchen, debating leaving. Cat would be fine here with Steve, would probably be better for her to have Steve’s patience, his kindness. I looked outside and saw Rocky laying in the grass, looking bored as he stared at the house. With a huff, I decided to go outside to grab him.

“Come on, Bud,” I mumbled, clipping a leash to his collar.

I walked around the house and out of the driveway, Rocky dancing excitedly beside my legs. Once we were down the street a bit I picked up the pace, eventually running as fast as I could through the streets. The burning in my legs and lungs distracted me from thinking about what was waiting for me back at Steve’s. When I returned to the house a couple hours later, I was covered in sweat and gasping desperately for breath. Once I stopped, my mood dropped again as everything came rushing back. Inside, Steve was sitting on the end of the couch, Cat wrapped up in a blanket with her head in his lap while he studied.

He looked up at me when I came in, “hey, where’d you go?”

“Took the dog for a run,” I huffed, letting Rocky go so he could find a comfy spot to lay down.

“Thought maybe you took off at first, then I saw the car still in the driveway.”

I looked to Cat’s face, seeing that she was still sleeping before answering, “thought about it.”

Steve’s mouth tightened, “well, I’m glad you didn’t. Cat needs you around.”

“She’s got you,” I shrugged, wiping my brow along my forearm.

Steve bristled, “you and I both know that’s bullshit. I can’t do this alone and there’s only enough of me for one depressed asshole so you need to get it together.”

My jaw ticked as I grabbed my keys and went to grab my clothes from the bathroom. Steve cornered me in the hallway, stretching an arm out in front of me so I couldn’t shoulder past him.

“I’m serious. Either get it together or she’s going to a hospital, one way or another.”

Dead or alive, he means.

My lip tensed up in a sneer, “fuck off, Harrington.”

Steve’s arm dropped to press two fingers to my chest, “what? You’re gunna walk out on her now? You wanted her so bad, figured out she’s broken and now you’re gunna toss her to the side? That’s really fucking great.”

“Harrington,” I growled, “I came back, didn’t I? Even though that’s not Cat in there, I didn’t leave her behind even though I don’t know who that is anymore.”

Steve’s voice raised as he got angrier, “you don’t know who she is anymore? That’s bullshit and you know it! You knew who she was yesterday! And you knew she was fucked up this whole time, you just didn’t want to see it!”

There was a small whimper behind Steve and when I looked over his shoulder, Cat was standing in the hallway, a blanket tucked around her chin.

“I can go home,” she whispered, “if I’m a problem.”

Steve’s face fell, “that’s not what-”

“No, Baby,” I soothed, anger mostly dissolving as I stepped around Steve to cradle her in my arms, “you’re not a problem. We’re just talking, aren’t we, Steve?”

He nodded stiffly, “yeah, just talking.”

“I’m going to go pick up Max, you wanna come with me? We’ll go back to your place? I’m gunna have to go home but I can probably sneak out to spend the night if you want. Maybe Steve can stay with you?”

“Yeah,” he murmured, “of course I can. I’ll be there around dinnertime.”

Cat nodded slowly, “okay, Stevie.”

I ushered to her to the front door, grabbing my jacket and wrapping it around her shoulders so she’d drop the blanket.

“Five o'clock, Steve,” I muttered, “that’s when I have to leave.”

Steve nodded, “yeah, got it.”

–

I pulled up to Max’s school with Cat in the front seat, clutching my jacket around her and staring out the window listlessly. She’d been quiet and unresponsive the whole drive.

I reached over and laid my hand above her knee, squeezing gently until she looked at me, “you know you’re not a problem, right? I don’t think that at all. I just want you to get better, to be your happy self again,” I swallowed the knot in my throat and cupped her cheek in my hand, “I just want my girlfriend back.”

Cat looked at me wearily and leaned into my hand, “I heard you, at Steve’s. You said you don’t know who I am anymore.”

I sighed, withering a little bit, “that’s not..I didn’t mean it like that..it’s just, this isn’t you. You’re not yourself right now.”

She frowned and looked from me to out the window, “you know I can’t just flip a switch and be how you want me to be, right? I’ll still be the one who tried to kill herself, who was drugged and, and raped and if that’s too much for you, if you want to be with someone better, easier, then that’s okay. I won’t-”

“Shut up,” I growled, “you know that’s not what I meant, what I want. I just want to help you get better, I want to be here for you. I fucking love you, you know that, right?”

Cat nodded against my hand, “yeah, B, I know.”

I looked past her at the string of kids leaving the school and saw Max running down the stairs, hair flying out behind her as she ran to the car.

“There’s Max,” I smiled tightly and pressed a quick kiss to Cat’s forehead before getting out of the car and closing the door behind me.

Max noticed me get out of the car and waved at Cat in the window before coming around to my side, “hey Billy, how’s Cat?”

I leaned against the Camaro and lowered my voice, “not good, Max. We need to try to lift her spirits. I was thinking we’d go to her place, you know, so we don’t have to deal with Neil. You got any ideas? Girly shit that might make her happy?”

Max cocked her head to the side, “yeah, I think so. We’ll have to stop at home first though.”

I gave her a small smile and pulled her into my side for a quick hug, “yeah, okay. Thanks, kid.”

We stopped quickly at our house so Max could run in and I turned to face Cat again.

“Baby,” I murmured, taking her face in my hands, “I don’t, I don’t know what to do here. I need you to talk to me, tell me what’s going on, what you need, okay? I’m trying, I’m really fucking trying to help you but I need you to try too. Can you do that for me?”

Cat closed her eyes and leaned forward to touch her forehead to mine, “I’ll try, B.”

I tilted her face up to kiss her gently, “thank you.”

–

I had taken Cat into the bathroom when we first got to her house and dutifully wrapped her arms in new bandages that I was sure Max had seen when we came back to the living room but she kept her word to me and pretended not to notice, she didn’t stare, didn’t ask, just started talking. Max had grabbed a few bottles of nail polish from Susan and patiently painted Cat’s finger and toe nails a soft peach color. When Cat’s nails were dry, she had Max pick a color and slowly painted her nails, a light smile ghosting over her lips while they talked. Max was telling her all about her group of friends, their current game of DnD, how they were determined to beat the high score on a game at the arcade. She also told Cat that after the last time we had helped her with her homework she aced a quiz and asked if Cat would keep helping her. It took a while for Cat to start giving more than tired nods and short answers but she eventually was smirking and giggling along with my sister while I lounged quietly on the couch, watching as they enjoyed their girl time. It was nearing five o'clock when I heard Steve’s car pull into the driveway and I slid off the couch to meet him outside.

I tapped a cigarette out and held it in my lips to light it as I waited for Steve to join me on the porch.

“Hey, how’s she doing?”

I took a long drag off the cigarette and let out a puff of smoke as I smiled, “better, I think. Max and her were having a good time. She’s actually talking now but I think she’s getting tired again. I’ll be back later tonight, have to wait until Neil’s asleep to sneak out. Get her to eat something.”

Steve nodded, “yeah, okay. I’ll try.”

I flicked my cigarette into the driveway, my smile fading as my voice lowered, “force feed her if you have to.”

Steve’s POV

After Billy left, I looked through Cat’s kitchen for something to eat and decided on spaghetti and garlic bread. It wasn’t long before the smell of garlic and tomato sauce hung heavy in the air, making my stomach rumble. Cat hadn’t talked to me since I got here so when I turned around and saw her standing in the door of the kitchen I nearly jumped out of my skin.

“Jesus! You scared me,” I huffed.

She smirked and twisted her fingers in the sleeves of Billy’s jacket, “smells good, Stevie.”

“I made spaghetti and garlic bread,” I smiled, happy that she was up and talking to me again, “it’s almost ready if you want to grab plates and something to drink.”

Cat nodded and stepped around me to grab a plate from the cupboard and set it on the counter. After, she went into the fridge and pulled out a bottle of diet coke and set it down.

I frowned, “Cat, you also need a plate.”

She scrunched her eyebrows together and shook her head before grabbing another plate down, “oh, right. What do you want to drink? There’s water, diet coke or some juice.”

“Water’s good.”

When the food was done, I scooped it onto the two plates and handed one to Cat who looked weirdly emotionless as she stared at the plate.

I carried my food to the living room and sat down on the couch, joined soon after by Cat. She flicked on the TV before picking at the food in front of her, moving it slowly around the plate. I watched her slide the food around her plate for a bit before clearing my throat.

“I really don’t want to have to blend that and pour it into your mouth,” I muttered through a mouth full of food.

Her lip twitched up with a smirk, “that might be easier, who knows?”

“Well if you don’t eat it yourself I just might,” I grumbled.

She stared at me for a second, like she was testing me, debating whether I’d follow through or not and then stuck a single noodle in her mouth, humming happily at the taste.

“See? Is that so hard?”

Cat scowled, “Stevie, you have to know it’s not that easy.”

“Okay, well tell me what’s going on, cause I don’t understand. You know you look like you’re dying, right? You are dying. I don’t understand why you want that.”

Cat scoffed and dropped the plate onto the table, “fine, Stevie. I don’t understand either, okay? All I know is I don’t think I’m dying, I’ve got it under control and it’s just a few pounds.”

“A few? You’ve like, halved since I met you. Like, at that party when I brought you home I knew you were sick and there’s so much less of you now! I don’t know how your mom hasn’t put you in a fucking hospital yet. Is that what you want? To be force fed in a hospital? To die and leave me and Billy without our best friend?”

“No..” she mumbled, “I just.. Stevie, I’m fine.”

I set my plate onto the table and reached across the couch to grab her shoulders, pulling her so she was looking at me, “listen to me, Cat. You’ve tried to kill yourself twice and I’ve stayed quiet, I’ve been trying to help you but I will get you hospitalized if you don’t wake up. Eat your fucking food.”

Cat flinched when I let her go and pulled herself to the edge of the couch, hunching into herself as she ate. Sadness washed over me as I looked at her but I knew I couldn’t sit by quietly anymore, I had to try to push her.

She finished a quarter of the plate and then set it back down with a withering sigh before settling back into the corner of the couch. It didn’t take long before I noticed her starting to nod off.

I grabbed a blanket off the back of the couch and laid it beside me, “come here,” I mumbled.

She looked at me and hesitated for a second before sliding across the couch into my lap. I covered her with the blanket and leaned back against the couch.

“I’m sorry, Stevie,” she whispered, “that you have to deal with me.”

I sighed, “I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t care about you. I don’t have to deal with you, I want to help you. I’m sorry, I just..get upset about it all. I love you, I don’t want you to give up.”

–

Later on, when I started feeling my eyes grow heavy, I scooped Cat up into my arms and carried her to her room and laid her in her bed as gently as I could.

She still woke up, her eyes fluttering open to meet mine, “Stevie?”

“Hmm?”

“Are you leaving?” She whispered.

“I was gunna sleep on the couch,” I murmured.

Cat whined a little, her breath hitching, “stay, please. Don’t leave me alone.”

“Okay,” I soothed, climbing into the bed beside her, “okay, I’m here. I won’t leave you.”

She slid forward to tuck her face into my chest and clutched at my shirt as she fell back asleep with my arms wrapped around her.

We were woken up hours later by the loud thud of someone sliding through the window into her bedroom.

I sat up with a start and fumbled to flick on the lamp beside the bed, illuminating Billy crouched on the ground with his head turned away from the light.

“Jesus, Hargrove,” I huffed, “ever hear of knocking? Or a fucking door?”

“Old habits,” he grumbled, keeping his face turned down to the ground.

“B..?” Cat looked over at him and slid out of the bed to pad quietly in front of him.

When he didn’t say anything, didn’t look at her, she took his face in her hands and turned it up and into the light, revealing bruises on his cheek and jawbone as well as a small cut under his eye. Instantly I saw a whole other side to both of them. I’d seen Cat hurt, caring, kind and broken but I’d never seen this before. The way her whole body tensed like it was made of steel instead of glass, the anger that burned in her eyes and made her jaw clench. She was seething, her own issues forgotten to care for Billy, to run gentle hands over his wounds. It was strange how alive she was now, when before she’d been near comatose.

I’d seen Billy with fire in his eyes, like he could tear the world apart with his bare hands, and I’d seen him crumble but I was taken back by the hurt and shame on his face when she turned him into the light. His eyes were locked on the ground and his whole body slumped forward like she was the only thing holding him up. He was soft, pliable in her hands, letting Cat twist and turn him to check him over.

Vulnerable, I’d never seen Billy Hargrove vulnerable.

She thumbed gently over his bruised cheek and muttered, “he did this didn’t he?”

Billy didn’t say anything, he just leaned his face heavy into her hands and wrapped his hands gently around her waist.

“Who did that? You got a bully I don’t know about, Hargrove?”

I watched his lip pull back in a sneer, “go fuck yourself, Harrington,” he growled at the same time as Cat murmured, “Neil.”

Billy’s shoulders pulled back, squared up as his jaw ticked against her hand, “Cat. Don’t,” he warned.

Cat looked up at him, “B, it’s okay. He’s okay.”

“I’m confused, Neil? Isn’t that your dad?”

Billy’s hands clenched into fists against her back as Cat turned her face to look at me, “yeah, Stevie.”

My eyebrows knit together, “your dad beats you? Why haven’t you gone to Hopper?”

“What? Go cry to the cops like a fucking pussy? End up in a shitty foster home? Get Max put into the system? No fucking thanks, it’s fine,” he growled.

Cat smoothed her thumb against his cheek, “B, shh it’s okay. Come on, let’s get some ice.”

She took his hand in hers and led him to the kitchen with me trailing behind, still shocked.

“What about your mom? Wouldn’t she become your guardian? Or maybe someone you know could-”

“Jesus, Harrington,” Billy whipped around and sneered at me, “what? I’ll live with you? Mister, my parents don’t give a shit about me and are across the fucking country? Cat’s mom’s never fucking around either and Susan doesn’t have any money without Neil. It’s fine. Leave it.”

That stung but suddenly, I understood. I understood why Billy was always so angry, why he stomped around ready to challenge anyone who got in his way. I understood why he hadn’t fully caught on to Cat’s issues and why he couldn’t understand how she was so nice. I understood why Cat hadn’t told him anything, how she thought it would be better for him to not have to bear the weight of her issues.

“Okay, well, if I can do anything, I’m here,” I offered as Cat bundled ice into a towel and handed it to him.

Billy grunted as he pressed the cold towel to his skin and turned away from me to go sit in the living room. Cat paused and walked over to me to place a hand on my shoulder.

She spoke in a low voice so Billy couldn’t hear, “Stevie, he’ll appreciate it later. I know he will, he needs a brother, needs more than me. Billy’s just not good with emotions and stuff, you know?”

I nodded, “yeah, I get it. I should, I should get going, right?”

Cat gave me a small smile, her face full of a tired kindness, “you can stay if you want to, Stevie. It’s late, don’t want you falling asleep on the drive home,” she patted my arm before turning and going to join Billy in the living room.

I waited until Cat pulled a slumping Billy back to her room before I made myself comfortable on the couch and quickly fell back asleep.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Billy's POV  
> Things hit a new low  
> Last chapter before I split into 2 different endings

Billy’s POV

Steve didn’t bring up Neil again, or at least he didn’t force the conversation but I noticed him eyeing me whenever we were around each other. Checking for new marks. When I did have new bruises, Steve would give me a knowing look and join me for a smoke. Sometimes we would just sit in silence, sometimes we talked about Cat, sometimes I’d vent about Neil, about wanting to get the fuck out of Hawkins. It was kind of nice, having another person in my corner.

Cat lasted a few more weeks with Steve and I trying our hardest to never leave her alone. She tried as best as she could to put on a happy front and pretend everything was okay. Max hung around her a lot, keeping that little spark of hope alive. We tried splitting up the nights with her so only one of us would be with Cat every night in hope that the other would be able to relax but both Steve and I had been restless on our nights off so we both ended up spending every night at Cat’s. The three of us would pass out sprawled against one another on the couch or Steve would take the couch while Cat and I slept in her room. There were a few times where Steve would drift off behind Cat, holding her so gently, and I would have to leave. I’d go outside to smoke and push down the spark of jealousy in my chest that set me on edge. But I found myself thinking of Steve almost like a brother-a brother brought to me by shared trauma but still a brother-and I knew he loved Cat. Differently than I love her but still, I had to let them have that, let her have all the good in her life that she could.

We drove her to and from school and spent every possible second with her. But it had been exhausting, draining and we were starting to feel run down. Steve had been having a hard time staying awake during class, during basketball practice he had no energy and had been benched the past few days. I knew I was hitting that point of exhaustion too, my brain felt foggy and I was having a hard time focusing on anything.

So on a Friday, when she told us she was okay if we went home for a while we didn’t think to fight it.

“You need some sleep, you’re exhausted. I’ll be okay,” she assured.

We knew better, knew that she hadn’t been getting better but we were so tired. Tired of not being able to sleep cause we were afraid Cat wouldn’t make it to morning, tired of the stress and the pain. So we nodded and agreed to come over later.

“Just need a quick nap,” I yawned.

Cat smiled at me and patted my cheek, “of course, B.”

Cat gave Steve a quick smile, “love you, Stevie,” and squeezed his shoulder before getting in the front seat of the Camaro.

I dropped her off at her house and squeezed her hand, “I can stay, if you need. Your mom’s not here, you’ll be alone.”

Cat smiled, squeezed my hand lightly, “get some sleep, I’m just going to study. Love you, B.”

Exhausted, I drove home and fell asleep as soon as I hit the bed.

I didn’t wake up until Max came and gently shook me, “Billy. Dinner is almost ready, Neil’s gunna be home soon.”

I jolted up, cursing and followed Max into the kitchen to wait. My leg shook with nervous energy throughout the entire dinner.

I didn’t get a chance to call anyone until a while after dinner, when I did finally I called Cat’s house first, praying that Steve would answer the phone. He didn’t. Nobody did, it just kept ringing and ringing. Panic settled like a hot coal in my gut as I tried calling Steve’s house.

“Ello?” He groaned into the phone.

“Harrington! Why are you at home?” I growled.

“Sleeping,” Steve mumbled, “why are you home?”

“Fuck, Steve. Has she been alone this whole time? Nobody’s answering her phone!”

“Yeah?” Steve finally woke up, and panicked, “oh fuck. I’ll leave now.”

“Meet you there,” I huffed, slamming the phone down.

When I pulled up to the house, Steve was already there and was scrambling to get out of his car. We hurried up to the door and let ourselves into the dark, quiet house.

My heart was threatening to pound out of my chest and Steve was forcing himself to take extra long breaths, like he was fighting off the panic, as we walked in.

“Cat?” I called, my voice ringing through the house.

When there was no answer we went to check in her room, but there was only an empty bed. Steve was panicking, shaking like a fucking leaf and cursing under his breath. I swallowed past the lump in my throat and pushed forward to the bathroom. I nudged the door open slowly with one hand and felt my knees give out when I looked inside. Cause while Steve had dealt with this before, had lived through this before, I wasn’t prepared for this. Suddenly I was thrown into a memory of the first time Neil gave me a bloody nose when I was young and I couldn’t stop staring at the blood running down my face. While I sunk to the ground, Steve leaped over me, a string of curses spilling from his lips.

“Fuck, fucking call someone! Jesus,” Steve ordered, hands shaking as he whipped around to grab towels.

I didn’t hear him, couldn’t hear him past the sound of my own blood rushing in my ears. I felt like my lungs had filled with cement and I couldn’t gulp in enough air to fill them anymore.

Steve looked at me and scrambled over to grab at my arms, “jesus, Hargrove. Fucking, get over here,” he pulled me across the floor and wrapped my hands around Cat’s arms, “squeeze tight. Don’t let go.”

“But…you..last time..”

“This is worse, we need help. Don’t let go.”

My jaw worked with words that wouldn’t find their way past my tongue as Steve released me to run out of the room.

Worse? I couldn’t imagine how there could be a better or worse to this.

“Hello? I need an ambulance,” Steve’s panicked voice echoed through the house, “my friend, she slit her wrists…”

I stopped listening, my only focus the metallic tang that hung thick in the air, coating the inside of my nose until I felt nauseous and the damp spot growing in the knees of my jeans.

“Cat?” I croaked, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry Baby. Please, please come back, just look at me, okay? Please? Just open your eyes, Baby,” I begged, trying to keep an iron grip on her arms but wanting so desperately to shake her until she woke up.

Steve came hurrying back into the bathroom, a red mark smeared across his cheek where he’d wiped at his face, “they’ll be here soon.”

He crowded beside me and grabbed at Cat’s face, leaving a matching smear, “hey, come on. Wake up, we’re here. We got you, okay? You gotta stay with us.”

She didn’t move when Steve shook her, and she was so pale. It crossed my mind that maybe we were too late.

My eyes burned as tears spilled down my cheeks, my arms shook and my knuckles were turning stark white against the towels.

“Steve,” I choked, “I.. I don’t, what…why..?”

Steve chewed his lip, worried at it so much I thought he’d break skin, “fuck. I don’t know, I don’t know what to do. We just gotta try to keep her from bleeding out until the ambulance gets here,” he tried to shake her again and got no response, “mother fucker! Come on, asshole! Open your fucking eyes!”

My jaw ticked as anger spiked in my chest, “maybe don’t swear at her, prick!”

Steve whipped his head around to glare at me through dewy eyes, “really? You think me swearing is going to make this any worse?”

“I don’t know, Steve! Is it going to make it any fucking better?” I spat.

Steve opened his mouth to start yelling at me when he heard sirens coming closer and instead stood up with a huff, “stay here.”

“The fuck else do you think I’m gunna go?” I growled under my breath as he left.

“Please,” I pleaded, barely keeping myself from sobbing, “please, Cat. You can’t..you can’t fucking leave me like this. You just need to hold on, okay? Just stay with me, please.”

I didn’t have to wait long before Steve hurried back with a couple paramedics holding a stretcher. They crowded into the bathroom, one man gently moving me out of the way to grab at Cat, fingers moving everywhere to test for a pulse and lift her eyelids.

Steve and I could only hear snippets of what they were saying to each other.

“Unconscious…non responsive….we’re gonna need an IV…I’ve got a heartbeat, barely.”

They moved to lift her onto the stretcher and hurried back out to the ambulance with Steve and I following behind.

I went to climb into the ambulance and was stopped by a hand on my arm and a stern but soothing man’s voice, “I’m sorry, immediate family only in the ambulance. You guys will have to follow us, call her parents if you can.”

I looked at the man’s stupid freckled face, his stupid kind eyes and had to stop myself from tackling the man to the ground.

“Are you fucking kidding me? Do you see parents? We’re all she has! We have to go with her! I need to know she’s okay!” I shouted.

“Sir! You need to calm down,” the man replied sternly, “can’t let you in. Rules.”

Steve grabbed my bicep and pulled gently, “Billy, let them go. They need to go,” he urged.

I tensed, my face going stony and backed away from the ambulance doors as Steve pulled at me with a shaking hand.

Steve was shaking violently as the ambulance drove away, sirens blaring. He never let go of my arm, he held tight like he thought I might bolt or he might collapse if he were to let go.

When the ambulance was out of sight, I turned and pulled my keys out of my pocket, “let’s go.”

Steve shook his head, “no, I need to, we gotta..we can’t leave that mess.”

I glared at him, I didn’t want to have to face that again, but followed Steve inside anyway. I followed Steve back to the bathroom where he dutifully handed me a couple towels and started filling the tub with hot water. We started wiping up the blood silently, neither of us ready to break the silence as we turned the bath water red from rinsing out the towels. It was eery, seeing the outline of where Cat had been slumped on the floor, clean and empty against the pool of dark red. I stuck my hand in the middle of the clean spot and felt my chin begin to waver. It was too much, seeing the blood pooled on the floor and sprayed up onto the cabinet, the smeared hand print on the edge of the tub next to shining metal.

“Harrington,” I choked out.

He looked up at me with big, glassy eyes, there was a steady stream running down his cheeks that he hadn’t bothered to wipe away. With a huff I threw down the towel I had been cleaning with and stalked out of the house into the front yard. I fumbled to pull a cigarette out of my jacket and light it, my hands shaking and leaving red prints everywhere. Steve didn’t follow me, I was by myself with the weight of the world on my chest.

What am I gunna do if she…?

If she’s gone…forever?

I smoked through my last three cigarettes quickly, relishing in the acrid burn of my lungs until I went to grab another and found my pack empty. I screamed out a curse and threw the empty carton across the lawn and collapsed to the ground, holding my head in my hands and sobbing violently.

I should’ve fucking been here, she shouldn’t have been alone. Being tired isn’t that bad.

But I wasn’t here, nobody was. And Cat was alone.

I sat there, wallowing in my anger and despair until my chest stopped heaving and my breath started to come normally again.

Briefly, I wondered if she left a note, something explaining why I wasn’t enough. I set my jaw, wiped at my cheeks and slowly got back to my feet to go back inside. I could hear Steve’s heart wrenching sobs as soon as I walked inside and followed them to find him curled up on the floor in Cat’s room, his head buried in his bloody knees. I gently knelt down next to him, twisting my fingers together in my lap.

“Don’t got any cigarettes to offer you,” I muttered, my voice scratchy and rough.

Steve sniffed and took a shuddering breath, “she didn’t leave anything, no explanation. I tried so fucking hard.”

“I know,” I placed a hand on his back gently, “I know you did. We did all we could, Steve.”

“We should go..” he whispered.

“Yeah, okay,” I agreed, standing back up and extending a hand to him.

He puffed out another long breath before taking my hand to pull himself off the floor. Before I could think, Steve had collapsed into my shoulder, his arms gripping at my back in a crushing embrace as he choked out another sob.

“I should have been here, we shouldn’t have left her alone. This is my fucking fault,” he cried.

I wrapped my arms around his shoulders firmly and grit my teeth before trying to talk past the knot in my throat, “Steve. Come on, it’s not your fault.”


	23. Ending A pt1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the first part of the first ending of this story  
> Billy's POV

Billy's POV

Living without Cat was hard. It left an aching hole in my life that I tried desperately to fill. I studied constantly and got a job at a mechanic shop downtown to fill out my days and keep my hands busy. Flopped down onto my bed after scarfing down dinner and passed out before I could start to dwell on the should of's, the could of's. But this weekend was important, it had been cleared in advance and was looming over me now. I started to wish I had filled the time.

Saturday morning came and I groaned in protest of the sunlight suddenly streaming through the window. A thick layer of frost had covered everything, magnifying the sun as it shined through the window. Max beamed down at me, happy with herself after blinding me first thing in the morning.

"Wake up! Today's the day! Get out of bed, let's go!" She called, patting my cheek before running out of my room.

I stretched across the bed, a knot of anxiousness forming in my gut.

Today's the day.

As I got ready I remembered the day Steve and I had found her, bleeding out alone and I knew Steve would be drowning in the same anxiety I was. He probably hadn't slept at all. I remembered what happened when we finally got to the hospital.

_Steve and I walked into the hospital quickly. We were directed to a room by a nurse, her kind eyes taking in our red, puffy eyes and our stained clothes and gave us a sad smile before stepping out of our way. We walked into the room to see Cat lying in the middle of a stark white bed, her arms outstretched beside her and padded with thick white gauze. There were wires attached to machines that beeped quietly and tubes running into her arm and nose. Steve choked out a curse beside me and turned his face away from her. I felt like time stopped looking at her, my world narrowed down to her small frame and the steady beeping._

_The nurse laid a slender hand on each of our shoulders, squeezing gently, "she's doing okay now, boys. You called us just in time." "_

_What's going to happen to her?" I murmured."_

_Well, sweetie, she lost a lot of blood so she might not wake up just quite yet. We'll be admitting her to the psychiatric unit for a few days once she wakes up."_

_Steve cleared his throat, "she's staying here?" "_

_Yes, sweetie. Involuntary for the first couple days and then we'll see."_

_Steve caught my eye and I shook my head, just slightly, knowing what he was thinking._

_He didn't listen, just blurted out, "she doesn't eat...and this isn't the first time that, that she's...she's really sick."_

_I shot Steve a glare as the nurse gave his shoulder a squeeze, "it's okay hun, we know. The doctors put in a feeding tube after she stabilized. We'll be recommending she stay and enter a rehab program." "_

_Can you force her to do that?" Steve asked at the same time as I asked "how long would that be?"_

_The nurse gave us a smile and took her hands off our shoulders, "we can't force her, we can just recommend it and it would take as long as she needs. Some people need a month, some people need two or three before they can go back home."_

_Shortly after, the nurse left us to sit with Cat, one of us on either side of her bed and holding her hands. We sat there, silent tears running down our cheeks until Cat finally woke up, her eyes slowly sliding open to find us staring at her. "_

_Wha..? B..? Stevie..?"_

_My voice hitched in my throat as I clutched at her hand, "hey, hey, Baby."_

_Steve was tense on the other side of her, his eyes glazed with angry tears and his chin wobbling._

_She looked at both of us and our stained hands and clothes and knotted her eyebrows together, "where..? What..?"_

_"You're in the hospital, Baby," I explained, "your mom's on her way home, should be here tomorrow."_

_"_ _But.." she started, looking tired and confused._

_"_ _I called when we found you," Steve ground out, "they're admitting you."_

_I_ _couldn't blame Steve for being angry, I felt the same way, but I did shoot him a harsh look at his tone._

_Cat regarded him with a tight smile, her chin wavering as her eyes darkened, "it's okay, Steve."_

_I knew it wasn't okay, knew Cat well enough to know that she was throwing up walls, feeling betrayed by her best friend. I also knew it was for the best, even if she was mad at Steve right now. He was the stronger of the two of us, sacrificing their friendship to keep her alive. I wouldn't have been able to do that and I'd forever be grateful to him for having the resolve to stand firm, say enough is enough. I could tell with the way that Steve's shoulders tightened at the lack of her using his nickname that he also knew she wasn't happy._

_He squeezed her hand gently before clearing his throat and standing up. "I just...I'll be back."_

_He left us alone there, the beeping of machines seeming to echo louder. I laid my forehead on Cat's hip and let out a shuddering sigh. It felt like there was a large fissure where my heart was supposed to be, an aching gap in my chest that left me breathless._

_"_ _I thought you were dead, I thought...don't leave me.." I pleaded, twisting my fist in her blankets as I started sobbing, "please, please don't, don't leave me.."_

_Cat laid a gentle hand on the top of my head, softly shushing me as she ran her hand through my hair._

_"I...I can't, please, please you can't, can't leave me," I choked._

_Something broke in me as I sobbed, something that I had been hiding for a long time and suddenly I was crying out my whole life as I begged Cat not to leave. I cried for my mom, running away in the middle of the night to escape Neil. I cried for the boy who was left behind to be beaten and broken, for the boy who didn't get saved, who lost his childhood, his innocence. And I cried for Cat, the only good part of my life. The girl who was so broken in a different way, who was beaten down by her own mind, who had everything stolen from her. The girl who had set her own problems aside to lift me up until she couldn't hold herself up anymore. Cat held onto me as much as she could, letting me cry until there was nothing left, her hands never leaving me._

_"We could leave," I mumbled._

_"What?"_

_I looked up at her, sniffing and wiping my face, "we could leave. Pack a bag and drive away. We can drive away and never look back, I have a little bit of money from the pool. We can get a shitty apartment somewhere, I'll work and take care of you," I rambled, my heart pounding, "put all our problems behind us and just leave, please? What do you think? Would you be happy?"_

_Cat's face softened, a wistful sadness taking over, "B..." she reached out a hand to cup the side of my face and gentled my head into her shoulder, wrapping her arms around my back, "I..."_

_I wiped my face quickly when I heard Steve clear his throat from the doorway, his eyes red and puffy with Hopper standing tall behind his shoulder. "Hopper needs to talk to you, Billy."_

Max interrupted my thoughts, barreling into my room, "you ready yet? We gotta go! We still need to pick up Steve!"

I regarded my sister with a warm smile, her excitement leaking out and calming my nerves a little bit, "yeah, Max, I'm ready. Grab your coat."

We'd gotten closer since Cat had been gone, Max tried hard to diffuse situations between Neil and I. It didn't always work, but having my sister on my side helped my spirits at least. Sometimes after a fight, her and I would hop in the Camaro and drive around. We'd stop at the gas station for a couple snacks, listen to music way too loud or just talk. I kept helping Max with her homework and she was doing really well in her classes now. Steve and I had become inseparable too. Sometimes if I didn't drive off with Max I'd pull up to his house and we'd spend the night drinking together. All of us even started having movie nights with the rest of the twerps. Steve loved taking care of those kids and even though they could be annoying I realized I was starting to like them too.

After picking up Steve, I started to think about my conversation with Hopper while driving down the road.

_"Son," Hop's voice was deep and soothing, "I just need your side of the story. Then I'll sit here and watch her so you boys can go get cleaned up and rest."_

_I told Hop everything, ground my teeth when I started to get emotional and eventually laid Cat's story out to him. By the end of it, I was quaking, just barely holding myself together._

_Hop laid a large hand on my shoulder, "she'll be okay, son. I'll make sure of it."_

_That was the final straw for me, my face crumpled and I fell forward into his warm shoulder, clenching my teeth as I wept. He made a shocked noise and took a moment before awkwardly wrapping an arm around my back and patting it. He was warm and gentle, like a father should be. He didn't take a crack at me for being a pussy, a faggot, he just let me cry and told me it would be okay. I wished that I could have had a father like him instead and that broke me more._

_After a while of letting me cry, Hop grabbed my shoulders and pushed me to stand on my own, looking down at me with understanding, "it's okay, son. Go on home now, get yourselves cleaned up, you hear me?"_

_I nodded and let out a puff of air, getting myself back together. "Oh, and Billy," Hop started, "she can't run away from this. She's gunna get the help she needs, but not if she runs away."_

_My stomach twisted, I knew he was right, I had just hoped for something better, "yes sir."_

_Steve and I went home and didn't talk for a couple of days. We were allowed to see Cat the next day when her mom got back to town and then she was under lock down, no visitors. At the end of the lock down we were allowed back for a visit, at the end of which we were told Cat was going into the rehab program and would be transferred to the city a couple hours away. Better program they said. It didn't make it any easier, saying goodbye to her._

_Cat called a couple days later, after getting settled._

_"Baby," I sighed, "when can we come see you?"_

_"B, they said I can't have any visitors for the first month."_

_My stomach lurched, "fuck. Are you fucking serious? I can't see you for a month?"_

_Cat's voice wavered, "I'm sorry, B. I'll phone whenever I can though."_

_I grit my teeth and growled, "it's okay, Cat. Just tell me when I can come see you. Get better, okay?"_

_"_ _I will."_

_~_

_The next phone call from her was a week later. We spent a while talking about how we were doing and how Max and I were dying to go see her. Cat told me a little about her program but didn't go into much detail, she just said it was difficult but she was trying. There was something on Cat's mind, I could tell by her silences, the way she seemed preoccupied while talking to me._

_"Hey," I murmured, "what's going on? You seem spacey."_

_She paused and sighed before answering, "Steve. He won't answer my calls, is he okay?"_

_Steve, it was always Steve now. He was no longer Stevie._

_"Yeah," I soothed, "yeah, he's okay. I just saw him yesterday, we've been together a lot. Took everything pretty hard but he's okay."_

_"Good, that's good," she breathed, "hey, my time's up, I gotta go. Tell him I'm not mad at him, will you? Love you, B."_

_"I will, love you, Cat."_

I looked at Steve, chewing on his lip in the passenger seat of my car, he was getting more nervous the closer to the city we got.

"Harrington. You're gunna chew your fucking lip off," I joked, trying to ease his nerves.

"Hmm?" He looked at me and released his lip from between his teeth, it was bright red where he had ripped skin open, "shit. Nervous."

Cat didn't know Steve was coming with me, they still hadn't spoke since the hospital. I wanted to surprise her by convincing Steve to come see her. Steve had confessed to me one drunken night how guilty he felt, how heavily everything was weighing on his chest. That he blames himself for not noticing something was wrong when he saw Cat at that party and for not being enough to help her get better. I'd shared my guilt with him, told him that I shouldn't have taken so long to get there. That I should have known, should have been able to help her more. But we couldn't go back, couldn't change what happened and I tried my best to tell Steve it wasn't his fault. I'm not sure I convinced him but he did seem to stop feeling so sorry for himself.

"Why?" Max asked from the back seat.

Steve huffed, "I just..don't think she wants me around."

"Of course she does, she's excited to see you," I lied, not looking away from the road.

In reality, I didn't know. Maybe Steve would be right and she'd curse him out for not letting her die on the bathroom floor. Or Steve might scream at her for trying to leave us. Maybe that was something a friendship couldn't come back from.

That seemed to settle him a little, at least enough that he stopped trying to chew his lip off as we entered the city.


	24. Ending A part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> second and final part of the first ending  
> switches from Steve's POV to Billy's POV

Steve's POV

My stomach was twisted into knots and my hands were clammy by the time we pulled up to the hospital and I was seriously contemplating staying in the car. I hadn't talked to her since the day she told us she was going into the rehab program. Even then, she'd barely been talking to me. I knew she was pissed that I had brought her into a hospital, but what else was I supposed to do? When we found Cat, she was beyond just bandaging up and putting to bed and I had hit my breaking point. It had been now or never that night, our last chance to help her. But no matter how I justified betraying her, I'd still betrayed her and the thought had been building in my head that maybe we couldn't be friends anymore. Maybe she'd want nothing to do with me anymore and that was a hard pill to swallow.

"Steve? Are you home? I just want to talk to you.."

Cat had left multiple messages on my phone like that, but I could never bring myself to pick up. Didn't want to hear her say she hated me for what I did. So I never answered and never called back. I couldn't face what would happen if I did.

"Steve, man, Cat's worried about you. Hell, I'm worried about you, she says you won't answer your phone and you've been really spacey," Billy talked around his cigarette while we leaned against the front of my house.

We'd spent a lot of time together since Cat left, Billy would often show up late at night to smoke and have a beer with me. It was kind of nice, not being alone, I'd started to look forward to his company.

"Yeah," I mumbled, wiping my face, "haven't been sleeping great," I tried to avoid the topic of Cat.

Billy didn't try to avoid it, he was his usual blunt self about it, "you're avoiding her."

My silence was enough of an answer for him. He grunted and flicked his cigarette out into the driveway, "Max and I are going to see her in a couple weeks. You're coming."

"No..I can't..I.."

"Steve," Billy clapped a hand on my shoulder, "she wants to see you. I'm fucking nervous too but I'll drag you if I have to."

"Steve!" Max clapped her hands in front of my face, snapping me back to the present, "come on!"

She was beaming, practically hopping around, she was so excited. I wish that excitement could transfer to me and take away some of my anxiety, the overwhelming sense of dread. I shuffled along behind Max and Billy into the hospital, past the front desk and into the ward where Cat was. I wanted to bolt, to get the hell out of here as fast as I could until I heard her.

"B!" Cat came flying through the hallway and threw herself into Billy's waiting arms.

He clutched her tight, one hand tight on the back of her neck and the other wrapped around her waist, and lifted her off the ground.

"God," he muttered into the side of her neck, "I fucking missed you."

Cat twisted her fingers into Billy's hair and a soft puff of air left her, almost like she wasn't sure if she was going to laugh or cry, "I missed you too."

She pulled away from him just far enough to splay her hands on the sides of his face and let out a wet laugh, a few tears rolling down her face as she kissed him. After a moment, Billy let Cat back down to the floor and she let go of him to open her arms to Max, who eagerly ran forward to fill them.

"I missed you!" Max sniffed, getting teary after being reunited with her friend.

"I know," Cat murmured, gently rubbing down Max's back, "I'm sorry, I missed you too, Max."

Billy cleared his throat after a second, "Cat."

When she looked up at him he nodded towards me, I'd been far enough behind them to go unnoticed until now.

"Steve?" She breathed, slowly letting go of Max.

I smiled tightly, felt my stomach kick up into my throat, "hey."

She stepped closer to me, stretching out a hand as if to grab me before dropping it, "can I..?"

Immediately, my eyes started getting dewy as I nodded and chewed the inside of my mouth. Cat grabbed the side of my face, gently swiping her thumb over the purple bags that had grown under my eyes before sliding her arms around my neck and holding me tightly.

"Oh, Stevie," she breathed, her breath hitching a little as she buried her face in my shoulder, "you never answered my calls, I thought you didn't want to see me."

I hadn't realized how desperately I missed her, missed the soft way she called me Stevie, the light vanilla scent on her skin. It was like a part of me had been missing and when she hugged me the full force of that pain hit.

I tucked my head into her hair, inhaling shakily as I wrapped my arms around her back, "that's not..I'm sorry, Cat. I'm so fucking sorry.." I wrapped my arms tighter around her, fisted my hands against her back and let tears fall, "I'm sorry..I had to call, I had to..I thought you hated me."

"Stevie," she cried, twisting her fingers in the hair on the back of my neck, "Stevie, I don't hate you, you saved me.."

\--

"When do you get to come home?" Max asked.

The aching emptiness of Cat's absence no longer loomed over us and my face and chest hurt from how happy I was. The last time we saw her, her arms had been wrapped in bandages and there had been tubes feeding her, forcing her to live. Now, we could see flashes of thick scars when her sleeves moved and there were no more tubes. Cat's face had filled out a little, the dark hollows less prominent, she looked more colorful, even wrapped up in her usual dark clothes.

"I'm not sure yet," she smiled sweetly and wrapped an arm around Max to hug her to her side, "could be just one more month or could be two."

Billy's groan was barely covered by Max, "but you're better now, right?"

Cat hummed and reached over to lace her fingers into Billy's, "not yet. I need some more time. I'll be home for Christmas though. Just three weeks and then I'll have two whole days with you guys."

Max deflated a little, but then gave Cat a hopeful grin, "maybe we can have a sleepover?"

Billy snorted, "yeah, as if that would ever be allowed."

Max pouted at him, "why not? You sneak out all the time, just take me with you!"

"Yeah, B," Cat imitated Max's whine with a smirk, "you do it all the time."

Billy looked to me for help but was met with me trying to hold in my laughter and groaned, "you are gunna be the death of me. I will try to sneak us out, shitbird, but you better not get us caught."

\--

Julie had let us hang out while she drove to the city so Billy, Max and I could surprise Cat when she came home Christmas Eve. We had been planning these two days since we had gone to visit Cat. Max and I had picked out movies to rent while Billy was sent out to retrieve a list of food and snacks that Julie had given us money for. When they came through the door we had a mountain of blankets and pillows for us all to lounge on, snacks set out on the table and a stack of movies to watch. Cat had cried while she grabbed each of us for hugs. We got to catch up and hang out for a while before Billy and Max had to go home for dinner, leaving me with Cat and Julie. I was so used to eating by myself, it was nice to have people to talk to. The three of us got to relax together and chat for a couple hours until Julie went to work and then Cat and I huddled up once again on the pillow mountain.

"So," I started, "how are things going? I mean...are you actually better now?"

Cat rolled towards me, resting her head in her hand with a wistful smile, "not all the way, but a little bit. The beginning was tough, it took a while to find myself again, find the motivation, you know? Spent the first few days tubed, on constant watch, couldn't even pee by myself," she huffed out a laugh, "but it started getting easier. Lots of talking, no more secrets."

I winced, picturing Cat lying in that hospital bed again, forcing her to survive. My eyes caught the thick scar running down her arm and stayed focused there for a moment.

"Actually, Stevie, you guys coming to visit made the biggest difference. I wasn't going to be allowed the visit if I didn't put on weight, participate in therapy. Then after you guys came, I didn't want to mess up coming home and getting to spend a couple days with all of you."

I smiled back at her, glad to have my best friend back. Thought about how much more alive she looked now, the spark in her eyes that had been missing a few months ago was back, along with the color in her cheeks. I felt hope bloom in my chest, wondered briefly if it was too soon to think everything was okay.

"I missed you, Cat."

"Missed you too, Stevie," she murmured, rolling to lay her head on my arm.

\--

Billy's POV

Max had dressed for the occasion, I realized when she crept into my room late in the evening. She had picked out all black clothes and looked like she had walked out of a cheesy spy movie.

"Maxine," I smirked, "I think you hang out with those nerds too much."

She grinned and stuck her tongue out at me, "you said we can't get caught, jerk. Let's go."

Slowly, we slid out of my bedroom window and crept to my car to make our getaway. Safe inside my car, Max couldn't stop talking and laughing, whooping like a maniac. We arrived back at Cat's house to join them on the pile of pillows and blankets in the living room. Steve and Max didn't even make it through the first movie before they were snoring loudly. Cat was leaning against my chest, resting her hand lightly on Steve's shoulder while Max held onto her leg. I wanted to lay here forever, basking in the moment, except I couldn't.

"Babe," I whispered into her hair, "can we talk?"

I felt her shoulders tense up suddenly as she nodded, "yeah, okay." Cat carefully slid away from Max and Steve to follow me to her room. I sat down on the edge of her bed, eyes locked on the floor where Steve had been sobbing after cleaning the bathroom. Remembered how panic had taken over me when I saw her, how destroyed I'd been after.

"B, what's going on?"

She twisted her fingers together as she also sat down, just far enough away that we weren't touching. She was guarding herself, thinking the worst.

"Cat, are you really okay? I just...I don't think I can go through that again.."

I watched the tension drop from her shoulders as she reached forward to grab my hand, "I'm okay, I promise."

Tears welled in my eyes, the image of her dying burned into my mind. I grit my teeth to hold myself back from sobbing, clutching at her hand as tight as I could. I didn't want to let go of her ever again, afraid of what might happen if she stumbled in her recovery and I wasn't there.

"Hey," she soothed, pulling me into her arms, "hey, it's okay. I'm getting better, I am. I wouldn't have been able to come home if I wasn't ready. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry I hurt you, B, I didn't mean to. It wasn't your fault, you have to know that.."

Cat's small hand rested on the side of my face and gentled me up to look at her.

"B," she whispered, pressing kisses across my cheeks, taking away the tears that had streamed down, "none of this was your fault, I promise. I love you, I love you so much."

Slowly, she inched her lips closer to mine, dragging her soft skin across my cheek until her mouth closed over mine. I slid my hands up her back to hold her gently as I returned the kiss, wishing I could let how much she meant to me pour through my skin. Cat crawled forward to straddle my lap, making a low groan build in my throat.

I tore myself away, breaking the kiss to press our foreheads together, breathing hard as I tried to control myself, "Cat.."

"B," she breathed, "I'm okay," she leaned into me to kiss down the pulse of my neck, "I want you."

I sighed, turning my head to allow her better access to my throat and wondered if she could feel how quickly my pulse was pounding. Panic turned to heat, spreading throughout my body. I twisted my hand into her hair when she started to leave a purple chain behind, "Cat..I-"

Cat shushed me softly and ran her thumb over my lips, mumbling into my neck, "I'm right here, I'm not going anywhere, B."

I swiped my tongue over her thumb and slowly slid one hand down her side to toy with the edge of her sweater before dipping under it and grabbing her soft skin. She nosed up my jaw to nip at my earlobe, breathing heavily as she ran a hand down my chest.

My breath hitched under her fingers, "Babe."

Cat drug her lips across my cheek to kiss the corner of my mouth before leaning back to look at me, "yeah?"

"Are you sure? We don't have to.."

She smiled and nodded, gently running her nails over my side, "yeah, I'm sure."

A surge of emotions flowed through me as I leaned forward to meet her lips again and tightened my grip on her hip, holding her close. I had to really focus to keep myself in check when she rolled her hips into me, to stop myself from losing control and pushing her too far. Cat was breathing heavily when she pulled back to grab the bottom of my shirt and pull it off me. She ran her fingers up the muscles of my chest and stopped with the palm of her hand flat over my heart to hold my gaze for a moment. Gently, she pushed me until my back hit the blankets of her bed and then sat back in my lap. Cat let out a puff of air, bracing herself before pulling her sweater off so she was just in her bra. The last time I saw her without clothes on, she was so fragile, looked so close to death, but now, now the gaps between her bones weren't so prominent and she looked so much more alive. She crossed her arms in front of her chest to hide her scars, her eyes misting as she suddenly became self conscious under my gaze.

"Cat," I soothed, sitting back up to grab her hands, "Baby, you're beautiful. You don't need to hide from me."

"You don't think I'm...dirty...or broken?"

I pulled one of her arms towards me, kissing the middle of her palm and then slowly ran my lips up her arm, along the lifted pink scar until I reached her elbow. I raised my eyes to hers, my lips still on her skin when I murmured, "never. I love you, so fucking much..you know that, right? You're everything to me."

Cat smiled, her chin wavering a little as she watched me, nodding slowly, "yeah."

I slid my hands up to her face and pulled her over me as I leaned back down to the bed, bringing her lips back to mine. She breathed in shakily and wrapped her hands around my neck, holding me tightly. My tongue swiped across her bottom lip slowly before she opened her mouth to me, humming softly. Cat's legs hitched up to my hips to straddle me and I slid one hand down the side of her body to rest on her hip, toying with the waistband of her pants. Slowly, Cat's hand left my neck to trail down my chest, stopping when her fingertips hit my jeans. Her lips left mine to kiss down my face and suck a small bruise into the skin under my jaw as her hand slid into my pants to lightly grip my cock.

"Fuck," I groaned, my hips pressing up into her hand.

It's been so long since being touched, even longer since having sex with anyone and I realized now, when my cock kicked just from a hand sliding over it, that I was not going to last. A whine left my throat when she stroked me and I felt the puff of air leave her lips when she chuckled into my neck.

"Let me make you feel good, B," she whispered.

She pulled her hand out of my pants to slide down my body, lips trailing down the dip in my chest and over my abs until her chin touched denim. A grin played on her lips as she nosed along my hip before leaving another bruise as she undid my pants. Small fingers curled into my pants to tug them down, freeing my aching dick. Her hot tongue slid up my shaft, making me gasp when she flicked at the tip.

"Please," I whined, "fuck, Cat, please."

She hummed and wrapped her lips around my dick, slowly sliding up and down, coating me in her saliva. I gasped when I slid into the wet heat of her throat, quickly sending me careening towards release. My hand curled into her hair, trying to gently pull her off with a low whine.

Cat pulled off my cock, leaving it glistening deliciously with saliva and looked up at me, "it's okay, let go, B. Let me take care of you now."

It didn't take much longer when she took me back into her throat for me to be biting back my groans as I spilled into her mouth. She pulled off my cock and nuzzled her way back up my body, trailing kisses along my chest. When her lips reached mine, she rolled her hips into my half hard dick, making me moan into her mouth.

"You okay?" I panted against her lips, "you need to stop?"

Cat kissed the corner of my mouth quickly, "I'm okay, I want to."

I wrapped my hands around her shoulders and hitched up to roll us over, laying her down in the pillows. Her breathing started getting faster as I kissed down her body, trailing my lips between her breasts, over her hitching stomach to the hem of her pants. I slowly undid her pants and started pulling them down, watching her face as I did, making sure she wasn't starting to panic. Cat had pulled her lip between her teeth and gotten dewy eyed by the time I had slid her pants off and dropped them on the floor.

"Hey, hey, it's okay," I soothed, moving up her body to hold her face, "you're okay. You tell me to stop and we stop, okay?"

She nodded slightly, and I knew she was just this side of panicking when I kissed down her neck to her chest. I slid my hands under her back to release the clasp of her bra and pulled it off her arms, dropping it to the floor to palm at her breasts.

"You're okay," I murmured into her skin, trailing kisses across her chest as I kept talking, "I love you...so much, Cat."

I trailed down her stomach, inching closer to her panty line, "you're everything to me."

I hooked my fingers into her underwear, my lips pressed to the light scars on her hip as I pulled them off of her. Her hands slid up to press the heels of her palms into her eyes with a shakey breath. My lips dragged over hips and thighs, kissing over her scars tenderly, keeping my eyes on her face and purposefully staying away from her most sensitive area.

"You with me?"

It took a moment for Cat to let out a shuddering breath and move her hands away from her face, wiping away the few tears that had pooled there.

"I'm here, I'm okay," she breathed.

I smiled against the inside of her leg, "what do you want, Baby? Keep going?" I kissed further up her thigh, "stop?" the sensitive skin before her core, "or I could keep this up.."

The corner of her mouth twitched up as she moaned, "come up here, B."

I pressed a chaste kiss above her slit before moving back up her body to nose along her wavering chin. Her mouth found mine as she pressed a hand to my shoulder, pushing me back until I was sitting against the headboard with her in my lap. Cat's breathing quickened when she rolled her hips against me and I reached a hand up to cup the side of her face, my other hand on her back, holding her close to me. If the last thing I ever heard was the moan that fell from her lips when she sank down on me, I would die happy. It was a sound that I could spend forever listening to, would have dreams about. Her eyes welled up with tears before she dropped her head to my shoulder, clutching at my shoulders as she kept her hips moving. I held her tightly as she whined and moaned into me, whispering curses and I love you's into her hair. Cat slowly calmed down, the tension leaving her body as she was brought closer to an orgasm. She bit into my shoulder as she came and I was soon to follow, a low whine in my throat as my hips thrust up into her.

We laid together for a while, limbs tangled and panting as we came down from our high. Cat started to shake when the high of her orgasm wore off, no longer able to push down her panic.

"Hey, hey," I soothed, smoothing my hand down her back, "you okay?"

Her head shaking was the only answer I got before I pulled her tight to my chest. Her hands balled into fists against me as I continued to rub her back and whisper to her. It took a while before she would slump against me, taking in deep shakey breaths.

"You with me?"

She sniffed and nodded, "y-yeah, yeah I'm okay."

"Wanna get cleaned up?"

Her arms tightened around me, not wanting to let go and I couldn't help the smile that came to my face.

"Alright, I'll carry you," I murmured, shifting my legs off the bed so I could stand up.

I carried her into the bathroom and managed to set her down on the edge of the tub long enough to start the shower water, though she was still clutching at my arm, not letting me go completely. With the water warmed up, I turned to gather her back into my arms and led her into the spray. We had sex again in the shower before going back to Cat's room and cuddling up on her bed, tangled in each other. She fell asleep in my arms soon after getting comfortable and I knew I should also try to sleep but I just couldn't bring myself to miss a second of her. I stayed awake as long as I could, just tracing the lines of her body and listening to the even sound of her breathing before I fell asleep.

Julie woke me up when she got home, early enough that the sun was barely peeking over the horizon. I groaned and wrapped my arms tighter around Cat, not ready to be without her again.

"Billy, Sweetie, you should get your sister home before anyone wakes up," she whispered, her soft hand on my shoulder.

I huffed and nodded, "thanks, Julie."

She smiled and ran her hand down Cat's hair, "you can all come back later. Spend a little more time together before I bring her back in the morning."

She started to leave and then stopped at the door to look back at me, "Billy?"

"Hmm?"

"Thank you. For being there for her. You and Steve, you two are the reason I still have my daughter."

I smiled a little, not knowing what to say before she left me to get up. Cat was still half asleep when I pulled away from her and whined at my absence. I smirked and pulled a pillow down into her arms for her to nuzzle into before kissing her temple and sliding off the bed to get dressed.

"B..?"

"Ssh, go back to sleep," I whispered, bending down to kiss her forehead, "I gotta get home. I'll come back though, okay?"

"Okay.." she mumbled, pulling the pillow in tighter to her.

\--

Max and I made it home in time, partially because I'd carried her to and from my car instead of waiting for her to wake up. Her eyes wouldn't stay open long enough for her to walk so when I pushed her through the window she immediately curled up in my bed and went back to sleep. I chuckled softly before pulling the blanket over her and settling in beside her.

\--

Cat went back to the hospital the next morning and spent another month in the rehab program. After Christmas she had a setback and was one of the ones who needed the full three months before being well enough to come home. But she eventually came home and was so much healthier and happier when she did. She came back to school with us and would have to do extra courses at home in order to graduate on time but she didn't mind. Steve and I were happy to sit and help her with the work whenever we could. We watched Steve graduate a few months later and gathered at his house with the kids to celebrate. He found a job at the mall a while after and started saving up to move out. The three of us would still be together as much as possible, we were basically inseparable until Cat and I graduated. Then the subject of moving came up again.

"Where do you wanna go, Baby?"

"I thought your plan was California, B," she smiled.

"Yeah, but is that what you want? We don't have to go if you don't want to, I'll change my plan for you if you ask me to."

She leaned into my shoulder, "I want to go with you...sit on the beach...lay in the sun...but.."

My shoulders tensed, "but?"

Cat looked down at her hands and twisted her fingers together, "I think we should ask Steve to come with us...it doesn't feel right to leave him behind."

Honestly, I was glad she asked. The three of us had been through so much together and I couldn't imagine one of us not being there. Steve was the only guy I could turn to and I didn't want to lose that, nor did I want to separate him and Cat. Moving across the country would probably be hard on Cat, not knowing anybody, if Steve came with us it would be easier. The three of us were each other's family now.

I exhaled the tension from my body and turned to kiss the top of her head, "we'll need to find a bigger apartment. "


	25. Ending B Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> first chapter of the alternate ending  
> switches from Billy's to Steve's POV

Billy's POV

Living without Cat was hard. It left an aching hole in my life that I tried desperately to fill. I studied constantly and got a job at a mechanic shop downtown to fill out my days and keep my hands busy. Flopped down onto my bed after scarfing down dinner and passed out before I could start to dwell on the should of's, the could of's. But this weekend was important, it had been cleared in advance and was looming over me now. I started to wish I had filled the time.

Saturday morning came and I groaned in protest of the sunlight suddenly streaming through the window.

Max looked down at me, a tight, tired smile on her face, "today's the day, Billy. Gotta get up."

I stretched across the bed, a knot of anxiousness forming in my gut.

Today's the day.

As I got ready I thought about the day Steve and I had found her, bleeding out alone and I knew Steve would be drowning in the same anxiety I was. I remembered what happened when we finally got to the hospital.

_Steve and I walked into the hospital quickly. We were directed to a room by a nurse, her kind eyes taking in our red, puffy eyes and our stained clothes and gave us a sad smile before stepping out of our way. We walked into the room to see Cat lying in the middle of a stark white bed, a sheet pulled up to her chest. The air in the room was thick with silence, no beeping, no breathing, just, nothing. Steve choked out a curse and leaned against the wall to steady himself. I didn't move, couldn't move, I felt like I was frozen. "_

_I'm sorry, boys," the nurse soothed, "we tried everything we could."_

_"_ _No," Steve breathed before walking up to the bed, "no. That...I..she..no."_

_The nurse laid a gentle hand on my shoulder, "you take all the time you need, okay?"_

_Steve held himself together until the nurse shut the door and the he exploded._

_"Fuck!" he screamed, "we should have fucking been there!"_

_I_ _wanted to scream, to go into hysterics like Steve was, but I felt too numb and disconnected to do much of anything. Steve started to sob, still cursing loudly as he leaned against a wall and slid down to sit on the floor with his head in his hands. I slowly dragged myself across the room to sit in the chair beside the bed and pulled my knees up to my chest to stare blankly at Cat's body. I didn't realize there were tears pouring down my face until I pushed my face into my knees and felt the wet spots growing in the knees of my jeans._

_"_ _I should have protected you better," I mumbled into my knees, "you were...everything and I should've done better."_

_How did this happen? Just a few hours ago she said she was fine, she was warm and breathing, alive. How is she just gone now? Why? What changed?_

_We sat there for a while until someone came into the room to ask if we were okay. We weren't. But we nodded anyway and pulled ourselves up to leave shortly after. We drove back to Cat's in stunned silence so Steve could take his car home. He stared at the house like he was afraid of it for a while before getting out of my car._

_"Steve," I choked, right before he closed the door._

_He looked back at me, eyes shining with more tears._

_"Take the dog home with you."_

_Steve nodded slowly before turning to go into the house._

Now I was quietly bracing myself as I got ready, bracing myself to be crowded into a room of teary eyes and broken hearts. For the sullen quiet and the simmering guilt that hid under Steve and I's skin. Except Steve wasn't there. Max and I had looked for him at the funeral but hadn't found him. Julie had clutched at me, weeping softly into my chest when I saw her. She wept about not knowing, not being around more. I chewed the inside of my mouth as I held her, trying to maintain my composure. Max offered Julie a watery smile when she finally released me to stand on her own.

"Julie, do you mind if I come get something of Cat's?"

"Oh, Honey, of course. Any friends of Cat's are always welcome in my home, you know where the key is. Would you make sure that Steve knows that too? I haven't seen him. Don't be strangers, okay?"

"Yeah, Julie, I'll make sure he knows," I murmured, "thank you."

She was whisked away by family but the underlying message of her plea rang in my head: please don't leave me alone.

When I dropped Max off at home she turned to look at me, "you coming home?"

Max had been clinging to me since Cat died, afraid that I would leave her too. Every time I left she would stop and make me promise to come back. It was silly but I always promised, would even pinky swear if she asked for it.

"Yeah, Max, I'll come home. Promise. Just gunna find Steve."

\--

It was starting to get dark when I found Steve at the quarry. I had checked his house first, then Cat's and then went back home to get Max to call her friends. Dustin was been the second person we called, he was also the only one who knew that Steve liked to go out there when he was upset. His car was parked haphazardly on the side of the first trail, and I had a moment of dread pass over me. If he came out here to jump...I'd bring him back just to kill him myself.

"Steve?" I called, stepping out of my car to look around.

I huffed out a relieved sigh when I saw him sitting by the edge of the quarry, staring into the distance with a bottle of whiskey in his hand. There were a bunch of empty beer cans littered on the ground around him.

I sat down in the dirt beside him, taking the bottle from his hand to take a large swig, "you okay?"

He scoffed, "no...nothing is okay anymore."

I chewed my lip and looked away from him, followed his gaze out over the quarry.

"Missed you today...at the..." I waved my hand, not wanting to say it.

"Funeral," he spat, "her fucking funeral."

"Yeah," I murmured, "that."

"I tried...was on my way but...I just couldn't do it y'know? It's not...it's not fucking fair, Billy."

"Yeah, I know."

"I mean...how could she fucking do that? We were only gone for a few hours..."

"We did all we could, Steve...we couldn't force her to do anything-"

He whipped his head around to look at me, fire blazing in his eyes, "bullshit! That's fucking bullshit and you know it!"

"Well, what else could we have done, Steve?" I yelled back at him.

"Fucking told someone! I should have said something the first time I found her! We knew she was sick and we just...we fucking let her die! Was keeping a secret worth that?"

"Well it's a little late to dwell on that, don't you think? It's done! She's gone! We can't go back and change what we did or didn't do!"

He threw the bottle off the edge of the quarry, the shattering sound came a moment later, "I killed her...you fucking killed her! She's fucking dead because of us!"

I felt his words twist in my gut like a hot knife and launched forward to knock him sprawling to the ground. We wrestled in the dirt, shoving and screaming at each other until Steve's screams turned into sobs and he pushed me off to the side. Panting, I took a second before sitting up to look at him. He had sat up and curled around his knees, burying his face to cry. I shuffled over so I was sitting next to Steve, facing him, and wrapped a hand around the back of his neck to pull him to my shoulder and I finally let the tears fall that I'd been holding in for so long.

"I miss her too."

Steve's fists thumped weakly against my chest, "fuck you! I fucking hate you! This is your fault!"

I let him curse and cry, until he crumpled forward, empty of his anger. "It's not fucking fair," he cried, "I miss her so much...I loved her."

"I know, Steve, I know. I loved her too."

We sat there quietly for a while, stewing in our sadness.

"Hey, you got any more booze in the car?"

Steve nodded and sat up away from me so I could go to the car. Inside were a few more empty cans and another bottle of whiskey.

"Jesus, Harrington, did you empty a fucking liquor store?"

"Fuck you," he grumbled, "it's not that much."

I brought the bottle back and sat next to Steve where we spent the next few hours drinking and telling stories about Cat. We laughed and cried until the bottle was gone and then Steve looked at me with dark, glassy eyes.

"Do you think she regretted it?"

I sputtered, trying to figure out what to say while Steve kept spiraling.

"Do you think she was scared?"

"Steve, I-"

"Do you think it hurt?...Do you think it would hurt more or less to go over the quarry?"

"Steve," I growled, grabbing his arm tightly, "it's time to go. Now."

I half carried Steve to my car so I could drive him home. He passed out on the way, his head lolling to the side as I drove. It all reminded me too much of finding Cat in the forest and left a sharp pang in my chest. I tried to wake Steve when we got to his house but he was dead to the world and I ended up having to throw him over my shoulder to carry him inside. I set him down on the couch and brought a large glass of water and a bowl from the kitchen to place on the table in front of him. Then I pulled a blanket off the top of the couch and covered him with it before I turned and left.

\--

I went to Cat's house the next day and spent a minute just quietly sitting on the edge of her bed. Her bed was unmade, the thick blankets she piled on were still rumpled like she had just got out of bed, a half empty bottle of diet coke that had now gone flat sat on her nightstand, and the faint scent of vanilla still hung in the air. There was a long black sweater thrown over the end of her bed, tossed there while getting dressed and then forgotten as well as clothes thrown on the floor, waiting to be collected and washed. Nothing had been touched, it was frozen in time as if she were still here.

With a shakey sigh, I ran my hand along the material of the sweater and laid down across her bed, letting myself fall into the emotions. I missed her so much, it felt like my chest was full of glass, cutting and ripping it's way through organs until I couldn't breathe. I grabbed her pillow and pulled it into my chest, soaking it with tears. When I stopped heaving with sobs and I was able to sit up, I wiped my face and noticed a notebook sticking out from under the other pillow. I sniffed and folded my legs up under me before pulling it into my lap.

"Billy?" Julie appeared at the door, looking tired and on the verge of tears.

"Hey, Julie," I mumbled," did I wake you?"

"Oh, Sweetie, it's okay. I was awake," her mouth tightened into a sad smile as she walked into the room, "I found something I think you should have," she went into the closet and pulled out a shoebox to hand to me.

"Thanks."

She set a hand on my shoulder as she sat down next to me and I leaned my head into her shoulder with a sigh.

"I don't understand, Julie...why? Why weren't we enough?"

Julie's arm wrapped around me, her hand on the side of my head, "oh, Billy, I don't know. I've been asking myself the same thing. Thinking back and looking for signs that I missed. I've been to some counseling since...they told me you need to let those feelings out. Scream, cry, do something to let all that out. You can't let them sit and fester or they'll consume you. Cat let them consume her...we can't let them consume us too."

\--

"Wheeler."

"Billy? What are you doing here?" Nancy crossed her arms in front of her chest, setting her jaw as she looked at me.

I clenched my jaw, annoyed that I had to come here for her help, "it's Steve."

She tensed, like a dog ready to attack, "what did you do to him?"

I huffed, "nevermind, this was fucking stupid."

I made it three steps before Nancy grabbed my by the arm, flinching back a little when I turned around.

"Jesus, Wheeler. I'm not gunna hit you."

She shook her head, "yeah, sorry. What happened to Steve?"

"Nothing...yet. But he's been weird, he didn't even come to the funeral. He spent all day drinking until I took him home from the quarry. I saw his car there and thought he... Nancy, he asked me if it would hurt to go over the edge."

Nancy sighed, rubbed her hand up and down my arm gently, "he loved her, Billy, and she died. He's going crazy, you just need to give him time."

I watched her thin fingers slide up the leather of my jacket, "I loved her too but I'm not about to jump off a goddamn cliff."

Her face tightened into a half smile, "it's different for him. He's all alone again, abandoned by someone else he loves. I know he always thought his parents stayed away cause he wasn't good enough so he's gunna pile this on himself too. Just be there for him until he gets himself together."

I nodded, "can you check on him too?"

"Of course I can...I didn't know you cared about him."

"Yeah, well..he's like my brother..hey, thanks, Wheeler. And don't tell anyone I came here for help, don't need people thinking I'm going soft."

She laughed, "sure thing, Billy."

Steve's POV

I didn't go back to school after Cat's funeral, not that I went much before it either, but after it I could barely function. I would only drag myself out of my bed to go to the bathroom and to restock my alcohol supply. Billy and Max came over sometimes, usually with some sort of greasy food to entice me out of my room with. It worked for a little bit but usually as soon as they left I found myself in that pit of emptiness again. Nancy came over too or sometimes would just call to ask how I was. I don't know why Nancy bothered to check on me, it usually left me feeling even worse when she came.

I knew they were worried about me, knew that I looked like shit, my clothes were starting to hang off me and my eyes looked dark and haunted, and that I was rarely without a drink but I couldn't bring myself to care.

"Steve," Billy huffed one night, "you need to snap out of this. It's been a month and you've barely left your house. What are you gunna do once the alcohol doesn't numb you anymore?"

"Fuck off," I grumbled, "I didn't fucking ask you to come check on me."

"No," he snapped, "you didn't. But I'm here anyway cause you're my friend. I don't want you to start hating me again but you've been a fucking asshole since Cat died. You need to wake up!"

"Well then fucking leave me alone! I don't need you here, Billy! I don't need anyone!"

"Fine," he huffed, getting up and leaving without another word.

\--

Billy kept his word, not stopping by anymore, and I didn't see him again until the week before Christmas. I wasn't paying attention while driving to town and was going too fast around an icy corner and flew off the road. My car wrapped around a tree and my head smacked into the steering wheel, knocking me out.

\--

I woke up, groaning and wincing when I tried to move. Noticed that my hand felt restricted, I couldn't move my fingers. A strong hand held my shoulder down and I opened my eyes to see that I was in a hospital room with Hopper standing over me.

"Take it easy, don't move too fast."

"What the fuck?" I groaned.

"You were drinking and driving, ran your car off the road."

"I'm not drunk."

He huffed, "not anymore. Doctors have a bad habit of sobering people up."

"Well, thanks. I should get home," I mumbled, trying again to sit up.

"Hey, not so fast. You could have seriously hurt someone or yourself. I know you've been going through it but I need to know you're not gunna do that again."

I rolled my eyes, "don't have a car now, do I?"

I saw the muscle jump in Hop's jaw, "Steve. This is serious. You could be in big shit for this but I'm willing to make it go away only because you didn't hurt anyone but you have to promise to get yourself together."

"I don't need your fucking pity, Hop."

He glared at me, pushed a little harder on my bruised chest.

"Ah! Okay, won't do it again! Jesus."

Hop moved his hand to let me sit up, his glare only easing a little, "good. Your parents are on their way home, Hargrove is on his way to pick you up. Doc's gotta go over some stuff with you before you can leave though."

I rolled my eyes but stayed in the bed, waiting to finally get the hell out of here.

\--

A row of stitches in my forehead, a concussion, a couple broken fingers and a bunch of scrapes and bruises were what I left with. That and the order to try to stay awake tonight and do some memory testing exercises. Billy got all the information from the doctor, nodding and listening intently while I scowled at my shoes. The ride home was quiet, the only sound filling the car being Billy's chain smoking. When we finally pulled up to my house, I got out of the car as quickly as I could, hoping to leave Billy behind. He was right behind me though, following me into the house and tucking something in the back of his jeans, hidden under his jacket.

"Jesus, Hargrove, why are you here?"

"Because Hop called me and asked me to bring you home, you fucking asshole! He said you nearly offed yourself driving drunk!"

"I wasn't fucking drunk, Billy, and I don't need you to babysit me!"

He scoffed, "oh, yeah, cause you're just fine, right? Remember who else said that?"

"Oh, go fuck yourself, asshole!" I yelled, shoving his shoulder with my good hand.

He caught my wrist and used it to twist my arm down with a growl to his voice, "look, Steve. I know. Okay? I know it fucking hurts and it's not fair that she's gone but I know you can't just decide to stop living too."

I winced at the pressure on my shoulder and tugged until he let go, "you don't know shit."

"Oh yeah?" His voice mocking, taunting, "why don't you let it out then? Tell me. What don't I know?"

I scowled and looked away, not knowing what to say.

"You can't love her back to life."

"I can try."

He sighed, "no, Stevie, you can't."

"Don't call me that."

"Why not? Does it make you feel it, Stevie? Feel that she's gone? That you'll never hear it from her again?" Billy crowded in close to me, a snarl on his face that didn't match the sadness in his eyes, "well, guess what, that's not fucking going anywhere, that hurt. It'll always be there, Stevie, and you're just letting it fester in your gut. You'll kill yourself running from it, just like Cat did!"

"Fuck off!" I yelled, pushing him forward to throw a punch.

Billy's face whipped to the side when it landed on his jaw, a loud crack filling the air. His hand came up to grab his jaw, eyes wide with shock.

"Feel better now, Stevie?"

I didn't answer, just stood there, panting and shaking the pain from my fingers. Desperately wished for a drink. He pulled a notebook from under the back of his jacket and dropped it on the couch.

"Didn't think so," he grumbled, turning to leave, "look through that, there's a box too. When you're ready, I have it...you need help, Steve."


	26. Ending B Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Final chapter of this ending. Final part of this chapter could be triggering so be warned. It's based off Ghost by Badflower. You can see the journal pages on my Tumblr which is the same name

Steve’s POV

After Billy left I stalked into the kitchen to pull a bottle of whiskey from the cabinet. What the fuck does he know anyway?

Does he know what the crushing weight in my chest feels like? How it threatens to crush bone and send shards piercing through flesh? Does it hurt when he breathes too? Like every part of being alive is wrong now?

He said he loved her but then why is he okay with her being gone?

When I had gotten through a quarter of the bottle, my curiosity for the notebook got the best of me and I stumbled to grab it and bring it back to the table. Inside were taped in photos of Billy, Max and I in between pages of drawings. I realized this was essentially her diary when I saw the scribbles of writing every now and again. Just small snippets of her thoughts scattered throughout the pages.

“I think things could get better here, I have some good friends now.”

“Billy….I think I love him.”

“I was wrong. Things are worse. Much worse.”

“Steve makes things easier, I don’t deserve him.”

“Billy and I can’t be together anymore. I don’t know if I can do this.”

“I slept with Steve…Billy and I are definitely over now…I love them both and now I fucked everything up.”

I get it now. She felt that same crushing, endless weight, like you’re drowning and you can’t figure out where the water ends.

I shoved the book away, my face screwing up as I tried to fight back tears. Brought a hand up to push the heel of my palm against my eye, as if I could push the emotion back in. A wet sob left me when the dam broke and I sank my head into my arms to let out everything I’d been trying to hold back.

It took a while for me to bring my head up so I could bring the whiskey back to my lips. Let it pour and burn down my throat, trying to chase away the pain. With a huff, I wiped my face and pulled the book back.

“Steve’s saved my life more than I deserve. Sometimes I think he should have let me go, I hate hurting him. I need to get away.”

“Billy knows now, but I think it’s too late. I’m so tired, so fucking tired.”

“I love them, I love them so much it hurts. But I don’t know if love is enough to fix me.”

“I’m sorry.”

–

I tried to call Billy the next morning after burying my hangover in more alcohol.

“Hello?”

“Max? Max, you gotta..gotta get that fucker on the phone for me.”

“Steve? Are you okay?”

Her worried tone set my teeth on edge and I cracked, unleashed a little of my simmering anger on her.

“No, I’m not fucking okay! Put him on the phone!”

There was a moment of silence before Billy’s growling voice came over the phone.

“Wanna tell me why you’re yelling at my sister, Harrington?”

“How could you drop that shit on me and then leave? You fucking asshole!” I spat.

I knew I was pushing Billy to the edge, but couldn’t bring myself to care if I would be on the receiving end of his anger.

“You really want to fight this out, Steve? You know it’s not gunna end well.”

“Yeah, let’s..let’s fucking fight…I’ve got nothing left to lose anyway.”

He seemed caught off guard and went quiet for a minute before sighing, “Steve. Do you really think Cat would want to see you like this?”

“She’s not…not fucking here now, is she? She can’t see us, fucking fight me.”

He let out a low chuckle, “you’re still running.”

I sputtered, even angrier now, “fuck you! Fight me!”

Billy let out another sigh, “sober up. If you call and yell at Max again we’re gunna have problems.”

–

My parents arrived like a whirlwind that night, fuming and red faced, my dad screaming as soon as his feet hit the doorway.

“STEVEN! GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE!”

I hung my head as I left the safety of my room and stumbled out to face them. Mom was on me in an instant, grabbing my head and turning it all around to inspect me while Dad yelled in the background. Luckily, I had left the hospital with only minor things, though she clucked over the cut in my forehead. Her moving me was making me dizzy, nauseous, and I groaned when I tried to push her hands away.

“Are you drunk? Jesus, Steven, are you trying to destroy my reputation?” Dad’s tyrade continued, “how could you do this to me? You’re a fucking embarrassment!”

He stormed out of the entryway, no doubt going to find himself something to drink, leaving me to continue being prodded at by my mom.

“Oh, Steven,” she sighed, “This isn’t like you. Drinking and driving? How could you be so stupid?”

As if you’d know, I thought, you’re never here. You don’t know me.

“It was an accident,” I mumbled.

“Well I would hope so. What’s going on with you? We got a call saying you haven’t been at school in a month and then this. You can’t graduate if you don’t go to class, Steven.”

Graduation.

She didn’t get to graduate. Didn’t make it out of highschool.

I was so raw from repeatedly going through the notebook that my breath started to hitch again and my eyes filled with tears and I couldn’t hold myself up anymore.

My face crumpled as sobs started racking my body again.

“Mom,” I sobbed.

My mom stumbled back a couple steps when I slumped into her, burying my wet face in her shoulder.

“Steve, what? What happened?”

I hiccuped out sobs, my gut heaving so hard it hurt. My head was swimming, the crying, alcohol and concussion mixing together so I couldn’t think.

“Steve, talk to me.”

“She..she killed herself and…and it’s my fault.”

Mom’s hand gently smoothed down my heaving back, “Honey, who killed themself?”

“She w-was my best friend,” I stuttered, clutching at my mom’s coat desperately.

She cooed gently and slowly led me to the couch to sit with me curled into her chest.

“Sweetie, I’m sure it wasn’t your fault.”

“I-it was…I wasn’t there, and, and I should have been…she needed me…and now I, I can’t stop..can’t..it h-hurts, I don’t want to hurt anymore..I n-need help, Mom.”

Her arms tightened around my back, “we can get you help, okay? I’ll get it all figured out before we have to leave again. Do you have a friend who can take you into the city until you get a new car?”

I didn’t know if I did anymore but I nodded anyway, my voice lost behind the knot in my throat. My mom let me cry until my eyes felt puffy and I had nothing left and then I slowly pushed myself up to sit on the edge of the couch. She followed, sitting up beside me with a worried look in her eyes.

“Sorry about the car,” I mumbled, “Dad’s gunna kill me.”

“Let me worry about your father, okay?”

“Thanks, Mom.”

–

Therapy and AA meetings. That’s what I had to agree to before my parents left right after Christmas. Go the therapy, go through the steps, take the rest of this year but enroll back in school to graduate a year late with Billy. I decided to call the Hargrove house after not hearing from Billy for a week, swallowing any shred of pride I had left to ask him for help.

“Hello?” Max answered, her chipper voice mixing with my hangover to make my head pound.

“Max,” I mumbled, “hey.”

“Steve? Oh…hey, uh..I haven’t heard from you in a while..”

“Yeah..yeah, sorry..”

I heard a low voice in the background, talking to Max.

“It’s Steve…hey!”

There was a shuffling before Billy’s voice rumbled in my ear.

“Harrington? You alright?”

“Yeah, fine…”

“Don’t fucking lie to me,” he growled.

There was a moment of silence, both of us trying to figure out where to go now.

“I miss you, brother,” I murmured, slumping against the wall, “I need your help.”

He sighed, sounding relieved, “I’m coming.”

–

Billy showed up at my door, took one look at my puffy face and pulled me into a hug, crushing me in his arms a little too hard.

“Are you okay?”

“No,” I mumbled before clearing my throat and speaking louder, “no, I’m not. I’m fucking sad.”

“I know, man. I know, I’m sad too,” Billy murmured, tightening his arms around me even more.

“Billy,” I grunted, “hurts, can’t breathe.”

He patted his hand on my back before releasing me, “I’m glad you called me, Steve. I was starting to worry about you.”

I huffed, “listen…I’m sorry…”

“For what? You didn’t do anything. I mean other than yell at Max and I, but I understand. I feel the same way. I’m angry too, brother…so fucking angry…and sad,” he cleared his throat, “it’s not your fault, you don’t have anything to be sorry for.”

I sniffed, trying to hold myself together, “thanks, Billy.”

“You will have to apologize to Max though and I’m warning you, she requires groveling.”

I smirked, a puffy laugh coming out of my nose.

“So what made you decide to call me? Not that I don’t want help you, but you didn’t seem like you wanted help.”

“The book..I’ve read it a thousand times I think, some of the things she wrote..I’ve uh..thought some of the same things..and I realized I can’t do this by myself.”

He walked into the kitchen while I talked to look through the fridge, “yeah, some of it was really hard to read…want a beer?”

He emerged from the fridge with two cans and held one out to me.

I reached out and took it, swallowing a large gulp before clearing my throat, “actually…I want to talk to you about something…I need a favor.”

Billy’s eyebrow lifted, “what’s going on, Steve?”

I took a deep breath, “I uh…I need a ride into the city once a week, just until I get a new car. I know it’s a lot to ask,” I started rambling,“ and I can pay you for the gas and if you don’t want to that’s okay, I can figure something else-”

“I’ll do it.”

“What?”

He stared hard at me, “I said, I’ll do it. You need help, I’ll help you. Just tell me why.”

“Billy..” I looked away from him, fiddled with the beer can in my hand.

“Just spit it out, I’ll find out anyway. What do I gotta drive you to the city every week for?”

“AA,” I mumbled.

“What?”

“AA meetings…Alcoholics Anonymous..and therapy. Once a week.”

“Oh shit, Steve,” he looked surprised, held up the can in his hand, “is this not allowed?”

I gave him a small smirk, “haven’t started yet. But yeah, until I get myself back together, no more drinking.”

“Fuck, you just got a lot more boring,” he teased, smirking at me.

“Asshole.”

“Hey, you knew that when you called me. Seriously, brother, I’m glad you’re getting help. I’d do anything for you.”

“Same. Anything.”

I smiled, could see a tiny light shine through the dark in my brain, “hey, you got that box you were talking about?”

–

Inside the shoe box that Billy had stored in his car was the entirety of Cat’s life here in Hawkins. The entirety of our relationships with her, all neatly packed into one painful box.

Movie ticket stubs and pictures. Pictures of Billy and I playing basketball back when we hated each other, of Cat bundled up to go out, Max skateboarding with her hair flying out behind her, me looking into the distance with the ghost of a smile, Billy blowing out a cloud of smoke that swirled around him. There were so many pictures.

A couple well loved shirts that she had stolen from Billy were rolled up tight and tucked into one side, the smell of her still clinging to the fabric. A couple flattened boxes of tea that she had enjoyed and some dried flowers. Mix tapes with colorful hearts painted on them. At the bottom of the box was a smaller box with jewelry inside. Rings that didn’t fit on her tiny fingers anymore, and a delicate silver heart hanging from a chain with a broken clasp.

“Jesus,” I rasped, “where’d you find this?”

He took a hard drag off his cigarette, talking around the smoke curling from his mouth, “Julie gave it to me when I stopped by.”

“You went to her house?”

He hummed, nodding his head, “yep. Been a few times. Julie said we’re all welcome there.”

“Why? Why would you want to go back there without her?”

Billy shrugged, fingers fidgeting with the necklace in his lap, “Julie’s nice, and she doesn’t like to be alone,” he let out a long sigh, “sometimes, it feels like Cat’s just in her room, waiting…she never is obviously, but I check. All the time.”

I fell quiet, let the sadness in for a brief moment as he reached up to take his necklace off and threaded the heart charm onto it before placing it back over his head.

“I’m scared, Billy…scared that I’ll forget her.”

“So don’t forget her, Steve. I never will. We can still love and remember her and let her go.”

“When did you get so smart, Hargrove?”

He smirked, “Julie’s been going to therapy since Cat…we talk about it all the time. It helps.”

“Ahh so you’re just repeating what Julie told you?”

He smiled and tapped his nose, “watered down but yeah.”

“Thanks, Brother.”

–

Billy stopped drinking almost completely as I went through AA, made the switch with me to soda and smoking weed. I told him he didn’t have to, but he insisted.

“Don’t want a beer gut,” he’d joked.

He would drive me to the city every week for therapy and AA meetings after which, I would spend the next couple hours exhausted and drawn into myself while I went over everything in my head. It took weeks, months even, to unpack my guilt over Cat’s death. To realize that I didn’t deserve to feel guilty over something I didn’t do and that I tried my best to help Cat but it was not my job to fix her. I learned that I was allowed to be angry, to feel abandoned and hurt, but that I couldn’t let that control my life.

Even when I got a new car, Billy still drove me.

“I like getting out of Hawkins, sue me,” he’d said when I asked him why he still carted me around.

I knew it was more than that, that Billy and I cared about each other and he wanted to be there for me. I could tell because every time I got a new sober chip, he’d have a genuine smile on his face while he congratulated me and we’d celebrate with ice cream or donuts.

–

Billy and I graduated at the same time, both our hearts heavy as we thought about Cat never crossing that stage. We retreated to my house afterwards to get high and gorge ourselves on all the junk food we could find. Spent the night watching movies and wistfully talking about Cat, how she should have been here, how much we missed her. We made a high promise to move to California together and get tattoos for her. We were so out of his mind, I didn’t think either of us would remember and our words would just be lost in the wind.

–

He remembered.

A month after we graduated Billy showed up at my house with a list of available apartments all over San Diego, Los Angeles and San Francisco.

“Where are we moving, Steve? I don’t care as long as there’s a beach.”

I laughed a little, only stopping when I saw the hurt look on his face, “wait, what? You’re serious?”

The look disappeared, replaced by the old ‘I don’t care’ front Billy used to always have up, “don’t be stupid, Harrington, I’m just fucking with you.”

“Oh come on, we were so high I didn’t think we would even remember saying that we were moving together.”

Billy took a cigarette out of his jacket and stuck it between his teeth to light it, “I thought you wanted to get the fuck out of Hawkins. That it hurts too much to be here.”

“Well, yeah,” I mumbled, “I do..want to leave.”

He smirked the front falling down again, “then pack your shit, we can leave when summer’s over. You’ll love California, gunna burn like crazy though.”

–

That was the last summer we spent in Hawkins. We loaded up everything we could fit into our cars and spent three days driving across the country to San Diego. After we settled in, I phoned my parents to let them know where I was so they could ship our furniture and to let them know if they were on this side of the country to stop in. I knew they wouldn’t, but I offered anyway. Billy quickly called Max, told her if she needed to escape to let us know, that he’d come get her if he had to.

I found a job at an arcade, which was crazy and fun and didn’t pay great but did pay my half of our bills with a little left over. Billy started working at a mechanic’s shop that he really liked. The first thing we did after settling in was find a tattoo shop and get matching tattoos for Cat. There was a picture in her journal of a couple little flowers that we got with her name on our wrists.

–

As it neared the anniversary of Cat’s death I found myself slipping. Down into that dark place where all I could think was 'what was it about me that wasn’t good enough?’ I stayed up all night, asking again and again as if she’d come out of the shadows and give me the answer. The answer that I hadn’t found even when I had been going to therapy.

Found myself hiding in my car or room, chasing away the cold with sips of burning alcohol. Just enough to take the edge off, I’m still sober, I thought as I hid cans and bottles in the bottom of the trash can.

Max’s phone call was what set me over the edge.

I walked in to Billy stomping around our apartment, throwing clothes into a duffle bag and cursing.

“What’s going on?”

“I need to go,” he huffed, going to the bathroom to grab his things.

“Go? What do you mean?”

“It’s Max,” he called, “she needs me to come get her.”

Fuck.

“Y-yeah, okay, is she okay?”

“I don’t, I don’t fucking know, Steve. She just, she needs me,” he came back and threw a bunch of stuff in his bag, zipping it up before looking at me, “I’ll be gone a week, you gunna be okay?”

The anniversary of her death was only a couple days away, of course I wasn’t okay.

“Yeah,” I lied, a fake smile on my face, “I’ll be fine. Go get Max.”

He was too preoccupied to second guess me, just clapped me on the shoulder and quickly pulled me in for a hug before running out the door with a, “see you soon, brother.”

I drank myself blind every minute I wasn’t at work that week.

Billy’s POV

Any signs of Steve not being okay were pushed to the back of my head when Max called. She hadn’t told me what happened, just said she needed to leave so I quickly called my boss, packed some shit and started driving.

–

I pulled up to the house in the dead of night, when I knew it would be easiest to sneak Max out. Swallowed down my anxiety to quietly move up the lawn towards her window and tap lightly on the glass. A minute later, the curtain moved and I saw her pale face peering out into the darkness. She saw me standing there and slid the window open as quietly as she could, both of us wincing whenever there was a noise, waiting for the monster that was Neil. Both of us let out a breath when the house stayed dark and Max disappeared to push a bag out the window. I grabbed it and gently set it on the ground before helping her climb out the window and running back to my car. Threw her bag in the back seat and gathered her into my arms for a hug that I could tell she desperately needed by the way she clutched the back of my jacket.

“Does Susan know you’re leaving? Or are you gunna be on the side of milk cartons tomorrow?” I tried to lighten the mood a little once inside the car.

“She knows. Don’t need to worry,” Max snipped.

I didn’t ask questions, just nodded and turned my music on low for the drive. After a few minutes I noticed a light snore coming from Max. She had tucked herself into the door of the Camaro and fallen asleep on her arm.

The light purple bruise on her cheek set me off, reignited a raging fire in my gut that begged me to turn the car around and teach that fucker a lesson.

–

We were finally driving into San Diego when I finally asked her. Up until this point we talked about what we’d been doing since I left and stayed far away from the subject of the bruise on her face but I needed to know and I knew it would be easier to talk about it now rather than in front of Steve.

“So..you gunna tell me what he did?”

Max looked down at her lap, tried changing the subject, “how’s Steve? Is he still doing okay?”

I ran a hand along the side of my face, “you can ask him yourself when we get there. Don’t change the subject.”

“Billy…”

“Max, what happened?”

She sighed and looked out the side window, “after you left, things were good, great actually for a while, but a couple months ago he started getting angry again.”

“Has this been happening for months? And you just called me now?”

“No, he just started yelling. All the time, about everything. At first it was just at mom but then he started yelling at me too.”

I could see Max’s nails digging into her hand, knew she was trying to stay strong, even if her chin was wavering.

“I kept asking mom to leave, to take us away from him…but she wouldn’t.”

I sighed, Susan never did know when enough was enough.

“He caught me sneaking out, was halfway through the window when the light turned on,” she swallowed hard before continuing, “drug me back inside and,” Max’s hands came up to make air quotes, “taught me about respect.”

My hands tightened on the steering wheel until my knuckles bleached, “jesus, Max.”

She chewed her lip, “I tried all the next day to get mom to leave, go to the cops…something. But she wouldn’t, so I told her I’m not staying here and I was calling you to get me. She agreed to it, even said she’d help me.”

“Fuck..”

Max snorted, “yeah, fuck…so, how’s things been? Having fun out here?”

“Yeah,” I smiled, “yeah, it’s been nice out here. Easier.”

Max nodded and shifted restlessly in the seat, “good, that’s good.”

–

Thanksgiving rolled around and Steve’s parents had insisted on taking him out for lunch since they were in the area. While he was gone, Max and I went shopping for dinner and snacks.

We were placing appies on baking sheets when Steve finally stormed back into the apartment and immediately closed himself in his room.

A look of confusion crossed Max’s face, “what’s up with him?”

I shook my head, “shitty parents? He’s been moody lately, probably needs to go back to therapy.”

“Well should you talk to him?”

“Yeah,” I murmured, “yeah, I should. You got this?”

Max nodded once, “yep!”

I left her in charge of dinner to stand in front of the door to Steve’s room, taking a deep breath before tapping my knuckle against the door.

“What?”

“Better be dressed, brother, I’m coming in,” I said as I opened the door.

Steve was lying sideways across his bed, blowing thick clouds of smoke past his lips as he stared at the ceiling. I stepped in and closed the door behind me before leaning against it.

“What’s going on?”

He sat up slowly and flicked his cigarette into the ash tray next to his bed. I noticed it was overflowing and that ashes had started piling onto the table.

“Nothing.”

“Harrington, don’t bullshit me. Aren’t we past that?”

He huffed but didn’t let anything out so I continued, “you’ve been down for a while now, are you doing okay?”

That seemed to hit him, to crack through the wall he had put up, I could see in the way his face fell, how the anger dropped away.

“I just..need some time, I think. Everything’s been a lot..”

I nodded, “hey, I get it. We got Max living with us now, holidays are coming, family sucks,” I crossed the room to drop a hand on his shoulder, “but don’t hide away from us, okay? I’m here for you.”

“Yeah..yeah, okay. Just give me a bit, I’ll come out and eat with you guys.”

I clapped my hand on his shoulder, “dinner is in half an hour.”

–

Max and I had finished making dinner, set everything out on the kitchen counters and were ready to fill our plates when Steve came out of his room.

“Hey, Steve,” Max grinned, holding out a plate for him.

He offered up a tight smile when he took the plate, “thanks, Max. Smells awesome you guys.”

We piled up our plates and sat around the table, started to dig in until Max stopped us.

“Wait, we need to say what we’re thankful for.”

I groaned, “Max.”

“Come on, Billy, it’s tradition!”

“Fine,” I grumbled, quickly swallowing my mouthful of food, “I’m thankful that my family is here now, safe and I never have to set foot in fucking Hawkins again.”

Max smiled at him before clearing her throat, “alright, I’ll go next. I’m thankful to be here, away from Neil and to both of you for letting me live with you.”

Steve smiled at her before he started talking, “I…I’m thankful to..to have family that cares about me,” his smile faltered, “and…and I’m…I haven’t been sober,” Steve’s resolve cracked and tears gathered in his eyes, “not since before you went to get Max. Her death…I just..I’m sorry, I’m sorry for lying about it and..for failing. I…I think I need more help.”

“Steve,” I started, standing up to go around the table and comfort him, “don’t be sorry, you didn’t fail. If you need more help we can do that. I can take you to AA again, okay?”

He nodded, face crumpling as he leaned into my shoulder. Max stood up and slid an arm around Steve’s back.

“I love you guys,” he mumbled.

Steve went back to therapy after calling his mom and admitting he still needed help. After a while he even found the answer he needed in order to move on.

–

We found a bigger place just after Christmas that year so we could each have our own room instead of Max sleeping on the couch. Through short lived relationships and one night stands, we stayed there for the next few years until Max went to college. Then it was just Steve and I until he wanted to move in with his new girlfriend. So we packed up our place and he moved in with his girlfriend and I moved into a smaller place by myself on the beach. We were only a twenty minute drive from each other so we could still see each other all the time and I could still take Steve to AA meetings. He doesn’t go all the time anymore, just once every month or so.

We learned to live without Cat, the sting never went away, not fully anyway, but it didn’t threaten to overwhelm anymore. Steve, Max and I would all gather together for the holidays with the people we were dating but the weekend of her death stayed just Steve and I. Sometimes Max was there, but usually he and I would stay at my place and hang out together. We’d smoke up, pig out on food and remember Cat. He stopped feeling like he was drowning when he thought about her, could instead remember the good times with a watery smile.

We weren’t always okay, not right away but every day would get a little better. The three of us would always be there for each other.

Cat’s POV

I tried it once before but I didn’t get too far, I felt a lot of pain but it didn’t stop my heart. I think I might have messed up cause I just ended up hurting Steve. I didn’t want to hurt him like that, to give him nightmares about me, but I just needed everything to stop. I couldn’t find a way out of the darkness.

But I called him and maybe I’m alive because I didn’t really wanna die.

I tried it like before and this time I made a deep cut. I thought about Billy and Steve and the way I didn’t give enough. How maybe I should have tried harder for them. And I should have told my mother ‘mom, I love you.’

But this life is overwhelming me, pulling me down deeper and I can’t breathe.

I tried it once again and I think I might black out, I should have left a letter but I had nothing to write about. What could I possibly say that would make this better?

My blood is all around me, I get dizzy if I stand up, the cutting part was easy but regretting it is so fucked. I tried, tried to change my mind and call for help but the phone is so far and I can’t see straight. My legs won’t hold me up and I’m so cold.

I’m afraid that all the blood escaping me won’t end the pain and I’ll be haunting all the lives that cared for me. What if I have to continue on like that? A ghost on the wall, watching everyone carry on without me.

I tried it once again and I think I went too far.

I couldn’t tell my mother 'mom, I love you.’ Couldn’t tell Steve or Billy 'it’s not your fault, I love you.’

But this life is overwhelming and I’m ready for the next one.

I’m sorry.


End file.
